I've Got a Message LLC

A drop of water in the ocean

Posted on June 7, 2016June 7, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

While meditating at church, I was thinking about me, how insignificant I am like just a drop of water in the ocean. Then I heard how the ocean is comprised of lots and lots of drops of water Then how can I be significant with gazillions of drops of water? How can I make any difference? Then I was showed that the drop of water as it splashes makes a ripple that spreads out further than we can see. We do not know how others are affected by our actions.

I have wondered if the work I am doing with survivors of adult child sexual abuse even matters. Then I hear from people who thank me, that even when I do not feel like I making any difference, I am being shown that what is occurring does matter.

If our actions are altruistic and compassionate, we may not know how we can give that ripple-effect1

hope to someone else. Something we said, something inspirational, encouraging, an act of kindness, something sweet and lovely could be a glimmer of hope for that person. How often has someone done that for you, just when you were facing dark days? When we volunteer, share, give, receive, offer grace and mercy, so we become that pure drop of water that spreads out.

When we have a bad day, a bad life, a sour encounter, that drop of water can become toxic, tainting the water of life sustaining goodness. I can understand that sometimes, a case of throwing poison can be made, fighting poison with poison as a way to even the playing field, especially when we are feeling powerless, not heard or fearful. We get down to the other person’s level to make a point. Still it is toxic to us doling it out. It touches our pain, too.

It can be challenging to move out of being fearful and feeling vulnerable. Using toxic ways to defend yourself can also keep people away even when you are wondering why you are feeling so lonely and why is there rejection?

The oceans are a dumping ground for pollutants and even though the top of the ocean looks good, that pollution is challenging the creatures underneath the surface. Kind of a metaphor for us, right? We can look good on the outside, but underneath, we can be ready to spew pollution to others.

Do you know that one positive thought can nullify 25 negative ones? Light casts the shadows away. So when a negative thought wants to escape your lips, is there a way to change it so it does not become toxic to others and to us? We don’t have to do this perfectly. We can build on being a blessing to as many people as we can instead of that petty tyrant.

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Why!?!?!?!

Posted on June 5, 2016June 5, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

The other day, I talked with someone who commented about my work hours. I explained the hours I really do work along with my consulting work. Pat (not real name) asked about my consulting work and when I shared what I am doing, Pat told me about the experience of child sexual abuse. Pat thought with the advent of children learning about the difference between good touch and bad touch, that child sexual abuse would be waning.

This is troubling to me as it seems nearly everyday I meet someone who will share their story. I shake their hand and say “welcome to the club.” It isn’t just us older folks with this experience. I hear the stories from younger people, too. I shared the stats on the number of people affected by this tragedy, 1 in 4 (1 in 3 women; 1-5 men), have their lives altered. Even though we look like we are doing well on the outside, we still have our struggles to cope and figure out to have life work with us, to trust, to understand about close relationships, including how to be sexual with an intimate partner. We have our quirks and challenges that maybe our partners do not understand.

We can receive therapy, use medications, consume alcohol and/or drugs to self-medicate or try suicide, cut ourselves. We struggle with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, chronic physical issues, economic disparity, prison and jail. When survivors are derailed from their painful childhood (or lack of one), we try to find coping strategies that work for us at the time. Sadly, a number of people will look at us as having moral character defects. What is WRONG with us. Surprisingly, there can be many things that look wrong. It turns out the biggest crime committed is the theft of our innocence, our choices, our bodies, the direction of our lives and our opportunities. We have lost control over our lives. Theft of our money for counseling to regain some semblance of a real life. Have difficulty trusting anyone and connecting with someone closely. We have trouble at times with employers and people in authority. We wonder what the purpose behind the offer for help. Often, we can get stuck in finding fairness. We have hopes and promises of someone to rescue us from the hell of this type of life. And where do we begin to pick up the pieces after the tornado cuts a wide devastating swath?

When I hear these stories, I feel on the verge of crying or become angry at a system that does not hear our pain; comprehend the complicated and many issues as a result of this abuse; support our healing; understand we are doing our best with what we were given; and that it takes time to sort it out and make progress to living the best life we are able to. And it is expensive.

If we stay in our pain, we can get that message that we are living in the past, that we SHOULD learn to just GET OVER IT! Again, character defects. Then on the other side when we are recovering and doing a lot more with our life, we hear that apparently we weren’t THAT DAMAGED and what happened was not such a big deal. DoingTheBestWeCan

With the stories that are shared with me, I am amazed at how resilient we are, that we are still standing and moving ahead, in a back and forth motion, to living a healing and peaceful life that finds meaning and purpose. What we need to continue on this path of recovering is a compassionate heart,, listening ears, no judgments, no shaming, no embarrassment, kindness and loving support. We understand our stories and intensity of feelings about this road can be overwhelming. Please let us know when you need a break to catch your breath. Or even not to dismiss our histories, and help us to have some fun. We are doing the best we can.

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Get away getaway

Posted on May 16, 2016May 16, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

It has been a very stressful time for the past several months. With work issues, figuring out what is next, relationships, living adjustments, financial curve balls, life uncertainties. I have been feeling maxed out emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have a go-to place now where I can find my peaceful center. I aim for the month of May to go.

My girlfriend also needed this type of break so off we went. Gratefully, it happened to be a beautiful weekend. It was an important time for us to reflect and connect, to talk about what is going on and options in addressing the myriad of challenges and directions as well as deciding where to put our energies. We have tangible action steps and clarity. Our lives are going in a bigger trajectory while still having the dailiness of living. Just getting some footing and inner peace can help put it all into manageable perspective. Having a loving presence without judgments to bounce emotions, fears, what-ifs, needs and wants off of is a wonderful gift. It is the gift of time. And shift happened.

In a crazy fast moving world, it is so important to get off the bullet train, zipping from one place to the next and onto the next project. At this pace, we tend to react to what is going on. Getting off to see the scenic byways and small towns will give us time to respond and redefine what is most important at this time.

I put my schedule on hold for three days. It was beautiful.

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Gift of Friendship

Posted on April 26, 2016April 26, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

My friend of 40 years passed away last week. When she heard from the doctor about how long she had left, she called me. Me! I think we don’t always know how important someone has been in our life until they are gone, either dying or moving far away or having a falling out. What a gift she gave me by calling me. We talked quite awhile where we expressed our gratitude for each other, our appreciation, stories.

Looking back, I was struggling a lot when I started a new job. Kay was working there. She in a lot of ways took me in with nurturing and kindness. We understood the people we worked with and the people she knew, her family, inviting me in, inviting me over while I was wrapped up in pain and finding footing, she offered a place where I could feel like I belonged, as best as I was able at that time. A hand held out for me. A few years back, we reconnected more then would meet monthly for dinner and to play cards.

Along that early time, my friend, Jean, and I talked on the phone. It was the first time that I had exchanged I love you and connected at that level. Shortly afterwards, she passed away. As sad as I was about the immense loss, I also was grateful that we had said how important we were to each other.

There is no guarantee how long we have, especially when we are in relationship with people. Some we draw closer to, others are passing through our lives. When we can take the time to contemplate the role people play in our own lives as well as what we play in others, conveying that becomes more important. How often have we wished we had said something before they passed on, those words still in our hearts or in our minds. We wish we would have said… Has there been times when the thought crosses you mind to call that person, then say oh, there is time. Then find out later on that they are gone? That happened earlier this year. I thought about Kathy a lot, that I should call, but didn’t. Too late. She passed away in February.

I am more aware about how important it is to say to those who are important to us I love you when it fits, why they are important and how they change my life, how important they are to me. Before, I would just sail through life, eyes focused directly ahead, not paying much attention to who was out there with an outstretched hand, a gift, a kind word of encouragement. So caught up in the pain and the hyper vigilance, thinking most everyone was out to take advantage of me. It was easy to miss those sweet, sweet kind moments that can ease the lonely and bumpy stretch of road.

Kay was surrounded by her husband and children. I am sure she just knew how much she was and still is loved.

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Out of Whack!

Posted on April 14, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

It can be tricky to find a balance in our life. There are the four corners that comprise the whole. Mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. I believe that spirituality is the glue that holds the together.

Physical aspects are important as a stronger, fitter body is important as it is our vehicle to move around in, to get around to see the world, accomplish what is on our list. When we are struggling or having difficulty taking care of ourselves, it can add additional stress which also impacts the other three corners.

Our mental capacity is also helpful in meeting our daily needs and wants, to make decisions that affect all aspects, large and small, in our lives. When it is impacted or impaired, it will also add stress and frustration. We also use our mind to learn, retain, imagine, create, find humor, problem solve, help our physical bodies to do what we wish it to do.

Our emotional body is also important. Feelings can add to our quality of life making room for love and healing, being angry can help make changes, sadness and grief to help heal from our losses, fear/scare as a way to protect ourselves and happiness to add a lightness to living. When we are shut down from feelings, become numb or raging, it is stressful on our physical and mental bodies. We can look like robots walking around without the animation that emotions bring us.

Spirituality (not necessarily religion) is the glue that holds our other bodies together. Having a spiritual context can offer peace, hope, grace, love, charity, mercy, forgiveness and more chances to live more fully.

Finding a way to work with all these body aspects can lead to a better quality of life. When we shut down any section of the four corners, it transfers somewhere else. Like squeezing a

balloon, the air is displaced somewhere else until it pops. Starting with our emotional body, healing that, defining what the emotions are (rage and numb are behaviors, not feelings), uncovering the source of pain and fear, grieving for losses even when they seem so old or cannot name where it emanates from. For me, when my emotions seem out of whack, I notice how it affects the rest of my life. My body hurts, my mental sags, I am dragging and my spirituality seems disconnected. Being able to say what my feelings are to someone and be honest with myself is very important to get back into balance. When my emotional self is shut down, it is a sign that I am struggling to say what I want and need, what changes need to happen.

There may not be an easy fix to get there. Practice, practice, trying different options, trusting our inner self to finally know, move fear aside, be bold with some trepidation to try out asking. Asking for help is a sign a strength, not weakness. Even if you are turned down the first few times, keep going until you get assistance. If your request is met with resistance, consider rephrasing it. Ask without whining or desperation if possible. Believe you are worthy. I do.

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Gloomy places

Posted on April 11, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

It has been a difficult few months; some dark days and nights, stormy at times or a drizzle. Being in a gloomy state is different than being in a depression or melancholia. In depression, I would spiral down and each day will be more of a struggle than the previous day, especially because of my work situations.

What I have begun to notice is that even in dark times, rays of sunshine still poke through the clouds. In a depression, I would look down and not necessarily notice a kindness, a connection, sweetness, that can light the dark path toward the sunshine again.

Recently, I have seen the blessings of kind words, concern, caring, hugs. The other day at work while helping a customer, someone the customer knew came in. He said his songs were available. I asked if he sounded like Barry White. The customer began serenading me. It was so sweet and raised my spirits. Slowly, the gloom is lifting and I am feeling much lighter and able to do more things, be a part of life again.

How often do we keep our heads down, plowing or plodding into the next day, next hour, next minute, missing the cues of reasons that life has gifts in it for us, a reason to continue on. When we get into a place that life sucks, that nothing good ever happens, it just isn’t fair, it can be a sign that we are missing the other half of life that shows us a lighter side that can balance the rocky times toward healing.

What I can see now is when those sweet gifts reach for us; it is like a hand reaching out for us to lift us up a bit higher so we can see that there is a way out this deep and painful hole, the dark tunnel. There are kindnesses out there for us. We can lift our heads to see them.

Thank you, kind person, for serenading me at work. You had no idea how difficult it has been and yet you offered me this sweet gift and I smiled. How cool is that!

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Stress management…or duck and run for cover Part II

Posted on April 2, 2016April 1, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

When stressful events occur via other people, that is different, to me, than dealing with tangible things. People’s emotions, their stresses, lack of control over other people and events, their inaction, actions, reactions and responses and how they impact others. At times, other people’s behaviors (and ours) cross boundaries which also creates stress.

The challenges I have with this is different with stuff and a list of items. I feel like I can eventually wrap my mind and hands around it, getting those things done. With a deadline, that moves me along quicker. However, when stress is directly people-oriented, I find it much more challenging. The key is to figure out how to respond instead of reacting to their reactions. Another challenge is refraining from getting caught up in the blaming, shaming, guilt, making excuses and judging, either the other person or ourselves. Using these will add more fuel to the fire. And, if it is hysterical, it is historical; meaning when screaming and belligerent behavior is presented, there is a tie to past events. With this kind of interaction, it can and will put us back into survival mode.

Recently, I was in this place and it was easy for me to fall right into the blame and judging thing. I stopped so I could figure out another way to deal with this. It is easy to get caught up in another person’s emotional state and vice versa. It can be re-traumatizing and reinforce our past fears and resentments then spiral back into old patterns.

In DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), a person learns how just the facts can help. Presenting the facts without the intense emotions can be helpful. However, it may not work if the other person does not hear or want to hear the explanation. Still, presenting the facts, even taking ownership of what happened, or try to fix it, also can help even if the fixing attempt does not work. You tried. Again, with explanation. The other person may not be in a place to hear and listen in a responsive way to create a dialog and resolution. They may be so caught up in emotion mind there isn’t a place to discuss. Still, becoming a broken records iterating the facts might sink in. If not, you tried and might need to take a break from it. Or even ask for an intervention. Be aware of moving back into survival mode and the coping strategies from growing up. sort out whether it still works today or not. If not, explore other options that may be more current and more successful in navigating for today.

I used to believe that people did those kinds of things on purpose, historically speaking from growing up. That meanness, being malicious, paybacks (perceived or real) A way to gain control over someone else. In my family, yep. As I moved on and away from that family, I saw generally that people are not doing it out of meanness, just not thinking. They are caught up in their own pain and history which can spill over into other people’s boundaries, getting sucked in to their drama. Of course, this can also be us if we have not learned skills to create a buffer zone. Still, when crap hits the fan, it is not distributed evenly.

Dealing with people and trauma are not as simple as making a check-off list. Although, we can make a list of what worked and what didn’t then try something else. Sometimes, it is time that can soften the onslaught of tirades. So during the past six weeks, I have been numb as a form of protection while practicing skills. I can see part of the intense storm abating so I am able to start coming back, integrating back to living.

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Stress management…or lack of management Part I

Posted on April 1, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

It is a challenging trek when dealing with stress. It depends on what it is, how it is, cause, duration, who and our current state of being determines how we can handle it and the options we use and whether there is a place of refuge to regroup.

Because we have experienced extreme stress while growing up, these current stressors can trigger the post traumatic stress disorder. Other people’s dramas and traumas can feel like a tank running over us with their stuff. Might even be a case of backing it up and going for another pass.

So how do we deal with those times? Eat more, don’t eat. Sleep more, insomnia. Shut down totally or read a book, play video games or solitaire on the computer? Sit in the dark or go for a walk? Seek out support or shut down? Bury yourself in work or seek solace in chemicals? We have our go-to list to handle this stress. We tend to use what has worked for us in the past even though it may not be working for us as well today. We can get defensive, cry, laugh, lash out or close off. For any of these, we may not be reachable by someone or find a better solution. Maybe we hunker down until the raging storm passes. When viewing the long list of things to do, we can get overwhelmed and not do much of any of the things that require attention.

That kind of stress can bring up old fear, grief and anger along with a sense of not being in control of what is going on outside of us. We know that trying to contain what is going on outside of ourselves is usually futile. We can slip into blaming, shaming, feeling or passing guilt, judging and making excuses to justify and even try to make sense of what is occurring. just let it pile up and now those things demand our attention? For me when my house becomes cluttered, especially the paper monster, I get frustrated and feel that I need to just throw it all out.

Usually, I can handle the stress when it is the run-of-the-mill daily stuff that I can compartmentalize. I make a list and check one task off then another. Narrowing down the scope of what is more urgent to what is less is helpful; particularly housework, yard work, spring house cleaning, workload at work. Even taking the tasks into smaller segments can reduce the stress and make for easier accomplishment. Checking each item off also gives me a sense of making progress and moving forward, not being stagnant.

In the past when it was the darkest, I would make myself do something like the dishes and make the bed just so I knew I wasn’t sliding into catatonia. Frozen by being so overwhelmed. At least I was making some sort of headway going forward. So when this kind of piling up happens, try to pick something, no matter how small, to do. Moving forward even at a snail’s pace is still movement while processing what else is going on.

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Oops. Skipped a step…

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

In math when we skip or miss a step in solving the problem, we will get a wrong answer. Same can be said in communicating or not communicating with another person.

We have a discussion with someone about doing something and then believe it was a done deal then went ahead with the plan. The other person thinks it was a discussion and NOT a final decision. So when the process is moving along and the purchase (or other event) is finalized, the other person is shocked. Oops. We forgot a step, or missed that middle step. We did not follow up to make sure both were on the same page.

A friend talked about buying something and entrusted the spouse to “look into it.” While out of town, spouse purchased the item. Understandably, my friend was upset. I said spouse skipped a step, confirming it with you. Spouse what taking charge of doing it. Even though it ought to have been more of a joint process.

What we say and what hear can be different that the other person says and hears. There can be filters. There are times when that SKIPPED A STEP results in great turmoil and resentments. It is not that it was done with maliciousness or revenge; it is we take as a suggestion and believe we are just following through. I am seeing that there are the times it is viewed as being disrespectful and above our pay grade. Sometimes it can be undone and restored. Probably more often it cannot be reversed and returned.

What to do when this happens? Apologize? Ask for forgiveness? Try to restore harmony, the items? Get a refund? I do not believe there is a perfect way to handle this. Sometimes the damage is just done and no amount of trying to remedy it will work. That other person will continue to be angry and even scream about it ad nauseum. Sometimes the remedy options will work and peace can be made to move forward. Sincere apologies will be accepted or not accepted. Often, it is done with the best of intentions. We were just trying to help out. Yet the other person can believe their power to choose, veto or accept, was taken away.

Going forward, when a similar situation comes up, maybe take the time to communicate again with the person about expectations and the appropriate steps to follow through with it, or not to do it at all. People have their own timeline, fears, ways of doing things, filters, what is important to them of holding on, control issues (theirs and ours), being part of the solution. It can be they are so attached to that concept, that stuff, that lifestyle, it is difficult to let go. It is a challenge not to get into a blaming state, or defending yourself ala courtroom style. How can you not increase the drama around it?

It can be challenging for us to let go of someone else’s stuff or duties. We wonder why oh why they cannot just let it go and move on. Sometimes, they just can’t do it. The key then becomes for us to accept them for where they are it, affirming to ourselves that it is their stuff, their choice. And step away. Again, no right answer. Just observations here.

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Where does the time fly?

Posted on March 24, 2016 by Kathleen McDowell

Time is such a fluid thing. Goes fast, goes slow, stops. Life gets redirected often depending on what needs present them, how exhausting the day has been and others demands and urgencies. Then there are those occasions when one can feel like we are in a sci-fi fire fight, being blasted by stun guns and other artillery. We can spin round and round until the dizziness takes over and collapse. How can we take greater charge of our responses instead of reacting in the moment?

Maybe we can look for the exit sign that removes us from that place, space and time to get some fresh air for our lungs and our head. Take a time a part so there is space to get a peek at the bigger picture to figure out what is our responsibility and what we CAN do versus what is out of our control and what we cannot do. With the distractions, we can get off our internal plan being swallowed up by other people.

By becoming so distracted, we can forget about our own wants, needs, emotions, desires and self-care. This is especially indicative if you were the one anointed as the caretaker in family or even the identified patient. Those of us in that position were given that false sense of power those if we did certain things or behaved a certain way, we could effect change and even create better outcomes. Of course, we are set up to fail and can end up with the brunt of the rage for not doing enough. We can also see how driving that train into today how that is working for us in our work and in our relationships.

First stop is just to STOP! I am trying to remove myself from this madness and pull inward to take care of me regardless of how this stance is not popular with others. Is my worth more than do, do, do, do more for others? During times past, when I took breaks from helping others, I noticed that those people left out of my orbit. They either stayed away or tried to return the relationship as a status quo, the way is was in the past.

Gratefully, age and healing impacts me more as I take stock of who I am now, where I want to be going, embrace my dreams and passion. High maintenance relationships are not the best fit for me now. I am looking for more equity in relationships, the investments that flows in both directions.

When we can move ourselves, the wounded selves, too, into the forefront where we can get what we have been missing will help us gain perspective of defining and redefining who and what we are today and about tomorrow. Don’t let the small dream inch us along; dream bigger and be open to the paths that materialize and lead the way.