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Change of mind, change of heart

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell
I have been struggling a lot lately with my work as I am not sure what is going on. Nothing too specific, just being…weird. Last week, I talked about it with several people. One person thought it was a possible reaction from my past from my family. Maybe I am reacting to that with that. Then I had a light bulb moment.lightbulbmoment
What if it was an opposite thing. Maybe it has more to do with the changes I have made in my life: mentally and spiritually. Maybe in the past I was more tolerant (or ignorant) of the environment, deciding money to survive was more important and I did not pay attention. Now with my growth, I am paying closer attention and am much less accepting of these conditions.
Going back into fear of lack of income held me hostage. I began to try to figure out how to “control” the situation. Then today, I had a flash of someone (angel?) telling me that it doesn’t matter. Ah ha!! This really doesn’t matter. That old trigger came knocking and I answered, spending too much time and energy going nowhere but back in history, that old familiar. Hearing that phrase several times was just the jolt to move me out from the past forward. Because it really does not matter. I cannot do anymore than what I am doing now. Doing the best that I can. It also can be I have outgrown where I am at and it is time for me to really focus on what I do WANT. How I would like to be treated. Something that more closely aligns with where I am at now in my life; not base it on looking in the rear view mirror. I am not that person anymore. Kindness, relevance and generosity for starters is a place I prefer to be in.
I am very grateful for my friends who have helped me reach this new plateau. On my refrigerator, I clipped out a blurb in the church bulletin: Fear knocked at the door; Faith answered; no one was there.
The opportunity has come to my door. It is time for me to look forward, to lay out a plan for me to move forward to investing more in my consulting business and invest in me.
Is it your time?
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Inconvenience Store

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell
The Inconvenience Store. When you think about it, we have experienced that place on many occasions.
When one person wants something, it can be an inopportune time, an inconveniencestore2“inconvenient” time. Maybe we have a pile of work to get through. We have conflicting appointments; values; perception of what is important to us; or we just plain do not want to do it at this time…or ever.
Sometimes at work, it rolls right on down from the top to the bottom of the hierarchy. A while back, my employer asked me about this other pile. Even when he conveyed it was very important to him, what I noticed was what he did not ask me. I have been continually working to transition paperwork and migrating data. My idea of what was important was obviously different than Boss’ ideas. What we had was a failure to communicate – both sides. Because I am in an isolating kind of place, most do not know what I am doing. Does anyone who asks know what is going on in our lives, work or non-work?
What if instead of getting frustrated, angry, disgruntled (please don’t ask for anything else right now!) there is another option that will help smooth the way for more productive work? What if the person would ask for the timeline of when I/you can get that project done? Is there something the other person can do to help move it along? What if it was presented as a cooperative effort?
When people get antsy about a project getting done, it can be for many reasons. I think their plates are too full so getting these issues taken care of would seem to lessen their own stress. Who knows what all the motivations are.
As for when a person is asking for something more personal help, etc., we can see what our schedules are, time permitting, if you want to or not. We all have our views of what is inconvenient for us as well as other people’s inconveniences. Finding out more information of the requests can help us achieve a more peaceful resolution and probably better outcomes.
NOTE: there will be more Inconvenience Store stories and views to follow, occasionally.
PS: I want to welcome new readers to this blog. I appreciate your visits!
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Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell…

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell
Remember when that phrase was used for the military? I was thinking about this for work a few weeks ago. I have been quick to offer advice or observations during many discussions. What I finally realized was that it often not well received or the situation became awkward. When I looked to the person for a response to my “bit of wisdom” I was sharing, it was like they were hearing the Charlie Brown “adult mumbling” – whah whah whah…
advice
I also noticed that it was kinda that way around some of my friends and co-workers. I began to wonder if I was doing that as a way to be relevant, to be appreciated, valued and valid in response to being disregarded growing up. Maybe even show them how knowing I am. Or did they see me as a know-it-all? Maybe my delivery does not sound open and welcoming.
So then I tried just nodding to their comments and statements. Said, “ummm” and “ok” instead. Even if I know something, does it mean I have to say something? Thus, if they did not ask, would I want to tell?
Years ago, I read a story about a young boy who asked his dad where he came from. His dad told him about the birds and the bees. After dad finished, his son said, “Jerry came from Toledo; where did I come from?” This was a very important concept for me to ask a question or two for clarification before going ahead answering what I think that person wanted. Sometimes it goes off-topic, sometimes we end up giving way too much information.
It can be a sticky decision. Do I say or not say? What is my intent and purpose? Is it a habit to always have a comment or even having the last word/comment? Of course, I may know about some things that others do not. If that person is the boss, it is not my company. They get to make whatever decisions they want. They sign my paycheck. I do draw the line if it is illegal or shady.
Maybe instead I could ask them if they would want my view or opinion. Or I can just wait for them to ask me what I think or to offer options. Just because I know does not mean I have to give voice to my thoughts out loud.
Maybe that person just wants some ear time. Friends, bosses, strangers. Even me.
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Abusee

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell

Because of changes at work, I have been working a lot of hours. Now, the blog is back. Thanks for waiting.

Today, I received an email with “child abusee” in the subject line. This did not set well with me. I felt upset. As I read the email, it was about an opportunity to join an organization.
I do not see myself as an “abusee” anymore. I have fought my way to be empowered, to move out of a victim state into someone who has recovered. To be categorized as a person who was overpowered by an adult that I am still in that position is sad. On a side note, I am guessing that person may not have meant it that way.
As I am listening to Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song,” I identify with that song. I have been working for and through my recovery. I do want to shout from the treetops that I am a whole person who has overcome a lot of adversity. When we survivors of child sexual abuse have been in a victimized place in our formative years, I cannot believe we would want to stay in that place, a place of little to no options. A place of someone else deciding what is “best” for us. Negating what we want and need.
Last week, I was talking with my social media person about a similar vein. She commented about people who make a profit off of someone else’s misery. So true. Bless the therapists, counselors, support groups, friends and others who lift up and help support moving on with a life worth living.
It takes a lot of courage and some flexibility to be able to move forward, to move away slowly from defining our lives based on abuse to allowing ourselves to become something much more. Even though the abuse shaped my life, it no longer holds me prisoner. I discovered that as long as I was in that previous state, I would be bumping up against those walls, and in a way, it was a continuation of my parents still controlling my life. My decisions would be based on my limited life experiences, not on what my possibilities and options are now.
There are two books that helped me the most in turning my life in another direction. “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie and “Excuse me, your life is waiting” by Lynn Grabhorn. The first showed me how I wasn’t crazy (or that crazy at the time). The second one refocused my life on what I CAN do, not what I cannot do. It is so much easier to look at what we cannot do. Every day, no matter how depressed and despondent I was, I would try to do something that moved my life forward, even if it was just doing the dishes and making the bed. It gave me purpose and to know that I wasn’t falling so far down in a black hole I could not get out, let alone see daylight. Each gave me opportunities to move out from living in a victim state.
When I teach my classes, it is about being in charge of our lives, to make choices that allow us to decide what is best.
On October 22 and 23, I am teaching two classes: Blaming, shaming, guilt, judging and making excuses: Spiritual Roadblocks and Who are we: Labels that define us, at the Women’s Spirituality Conference in Mankato MN. Please check it out.

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It really is torture…

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell

I didnt deserve thisLately, I have been meeting more people who are opening up to me about their painful childhood sexual abuse experiences. The pain and shame they are carrying takes a toll on the quality of life. It came to me for a lot of us, it is torture. Somehow the concept of torture gives me the shakes. I think of torture as beatings, lashings and other humiliating, spirit-breaking directed toward another’ of trying to force sensitive information out of the enemy. A power-based intimidation so the other person will crack and give up what they know, or supposedly know. The definition of torture is the act of causing severe physical pain as a form of punishment or as a way to force someone to do or say something and something that causes mental or physical suffering;  a very painful or unpleasant experience. Isn’t sexual abuse that painful?

Then I thought of how child sexual abuse can be a form of torture. When it is ongoing and systematically done, the level of internal destruction is quite great. Somehow, it is the inflictor who turns the table by having the person on the receiving end to carry the blame, shame and guilt. After assaulted, we are tossed away until the next time when that person wants or needs something from us, repeating the cycle. Systematically beating us down, stealing our will, so we will just comply. That threat is very real to us. It can be a cycle of how we feel about ourselves in our adult life. We can believe how worthless we are and be in situations where we continue to play that out. The consequences of torture reach far beyond immediate pain. Many victims suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which includes symptoms such as flashbacks (or intrusive thoughts), severe anxiety, nightmares, depression and memory lapses. (What is torture? – Effects of torture; http://www.irct.org/…tort…International Rehabilitation Council for Torture Victims.)

These are parallel results. I wonder if people have more empathy for those who are subjected to torture we hear on television occurring in other countries, the wars being waged. What about the war we experience in our own homes, or in other “secret” places against us? It is challenging to fathom how adults can do that to boys and girls. The topic is so uncomfortable. I have heard from some people that I just need to get over it, forget about it, the past is in the past. Would someone say the same thing to someone who experienced torture? I would like to think not.  We need to give ourselves the time, attention and love to feel safe in the world and be free from that tyranny we have been subjected to.

Spirit-breaking affects our sense of self, our self-esteem, our dignity, our views of who we are and who we end up becoming from the results of the inflicted pain. It initially can destroy us. Without dignity and relevance, it leaves the welcome mat out for us to be debased and abused more. I do not know the answer to any of this. Maybe it will be to speak our truth. How this has affected us and that we do not just get over it when we hit the magic age of 18. It is a lifelong process to healing and recreating our lives. Not necessarily the ones we wish we had. It is incorporating what has happened and how it shaped our direction as we move to another place where we can finally feel and be okay. Whenever and wherever that is. Every path is different with surprising outcomes.

What Jerry (group co-facilitator) and I see when we do a support group on Thursday evenings in Minneapolis, we see the courage, strength, emotion and drive to find that winding path through the intensity and enormity of our childhood pain, confusion and powerlessness toward gaining our own sense of self, coming out of our guarded shells to experience life on the outside. For Jerry and me, it is an amazing process and an honor to be among this group.

So if you haven’t explored a group, I encourage you to do so. There is camaraderie, heartfelt support, love, friendship, encouragement, non-judgment sharing and tactful challenges. If one doesn’t fit, try another one until you find one that does. Finding others who have this experience can lessen the isolation. We all get to have as many chances as we can to live our best life and not give any more energy to those who have tried to steal it.

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Imbalance of Power: Part III

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell
When I was married, I struggled a lot with the control issue. I was trying to “control” him and he was trying to “control” me. I could not get what I wanted and needed and heControllingEachOther did not, either. There was a wrestling match going on in my head. He hated how I was feeling controlled and yet I wanted to control him. My history played a huge part in that, those old fears and anger, that imbalance of power. That intense hatred seemed to consume me. Through the push-pull about control, I decided that I did not have the energy to control two lives, just one. If I continued to try to control his, which meant that he would control mine. That did not sit well because I disliked being controlled since my life had been under the control of my parents. I took a chance and decided that I wanted to be in charge of my own life and let go of that control of him. Afterwards, I felt a peaceful feeling and the tension lessening. That intense hatred was poisoning me. I also decided to stop hating – anyone. It is a poison that kept me sick.
 
It was then I began to redirect that energy back to me, to do something with my life instead of giving it away. Slowly but surely, I started my path to reclaiming and building a life of my own future, moving away from being a victim-victimizer to feeling empowered. By filling those empty spaces with my wants and needs, it softened that pain from my past. Those other people I believed would meet my needs and wants yet could not. Their buckets were already empty and looking, taking, whatever they could. By being in charge of my own life, I learned to differentiate what is important for me then be in charge of getting those.
 
It was insanity for me to continue to try to get what I believed I needed from someone who has little to nothing to give. This lead to ongoing disappointment and greater resentment. I believed at some point, I wanted to be rescued from my old terrible and painful life. Waiting to be rescued left the power and control into someone else’s hands.
 

Taking charge of your own life will help move out of that victim-victimizer role that is time and energy-sucking. It is akin to giving all my money to someone else then complaining how broke I am. It can keep us in our own prison, limiting our options. By redirecting that energy, piece by piece, bit by bit, back to us, we can become more fulfilled and happier. We reclaim and discover our passions and purpose.

 
There is grief from that separation. Not only the loss of the relationship; the loss of our dreams we had hoped on how we wanted it to turn out. Spending some time to feel those feelings is an important step in moving forward with our own lives.
 
I suggest a starting point of making two plans. One, envision what you would like your life to look like. Today is a good day to start. Two, create a daily plan to address the separation of the old while walking into the new. If your closet is stuffed full or your kitchen can use more attention, on the plan list what you would like to accomplish today. Include something fun, something beautiful, something contemplative, something different. Most importantly, remember to breathe deep, cleansing breaths. It may not be a smooth road. It is in those bumps where we learn more about ourselves and our abilities. There is a lot of freedom in being in charge of your own life, your decisions and choices will likely be a closer match to what is important to you. That is when power is in balance.Then, when you want to give or share with someone else, it is often with a kind heart without expectation of a return on investment. Now, isn’t that a sweeter way to really live?
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Imbalance of Power: Part II

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell
This imbalance of power can follow us throughout our lives in relationships: work, intimate partners, friendships and the perception of ourselves. We can end up either continuing to give up or become scrapers to grab a piece for ourselves. There are other ways to shift that imbalance of power. We do not have to play the victim and victimizer.
 
When there is the power differential where the choices are victim and victimizer (interchangeable; I believe one cannot be one without also playing the other side), both can keep us in a one down position and we likely will not be able to really attain what we need and want.FeelingPowerlessWaterpark If we believe we can only get when we take, take, take at the expense of someone else or even if we feel we need to cede our own needs and wants, we truly do not get fulfilled. We will wonder if there are strings attached or whether that “gift” really is given freely or can be snatched away. Is it temporary or a long-term thing? It can be that taking what we want or need is more sport than a gift. The thrill of getting something out of someone because power was involved or the belief is that it is owed to us. After all, we paid a price for living like that and we will damn sure not go without anymore. We can even decide not to have much of anything that is important to us as it could be taken away anyway. Feels like a roller coaster hamster wheel, re-creating that cycle. This belief cycle left me exhausted. I did not trust any gift giver, their motivations anyway, so why bother.  
 
Blaming, shaming, guilt, judging and making excuses are ways to stay stuck, nothing moves ahead, keeping the victim-victimizer circle spinning.  (NOTE: I teach a class on this.) This puts the onus of getting what you want on other people, not getting what you need or want for yourself. Depending on someone else does not guarantee you will get what is important for you. You might end up with what someone else things you want or get even crumbs.
 
she-believedTo move out of this victim-victimizer place and the imbalance of power, it takes practice and mindfulness. When we are in that imbalance of power, we can feel powerless. It teeter totters. Starting with becoming in charge of something in your life (not other people FYI), is a good place to start. Instead of controlling other people or events, take back your own life.
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The Imbalance of Power – Part 1

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell
Growing up in an environment where bigger people exerted more power over us when we are small set the stage for us to learn and then figure out how power works. It is here that we learn about the roles of victim and victimizer. It can stay with us for a very long time, that sense that we are less than. That what we want and need, or even just being heard AND acknowledged, is a challenge and likely will be disregarded, tossed aside like trash. So we swallow our words and value. Sometimes we can act up and out to be heard as a way to push back from being powered over and disregarded. After a while, we can just give up and trudge through life doing without. We may be quick to give to other people, meet their wants and needs. Learning early on that what is of value to us is much less important than for other people. Sometimes, we give and give, hoping that when we give enough we will get a return on that investment. We learn to keep the peace – at any price. And that is very expensive!
 
Along my road of recovering, I have been blessed that there were people along the way who encouraged me to ask, reach out and try to change the past by beginning to ask for myself. Linder asked me once if I ever asked God for anything for me. Such a foreign concept. I was puzzled about that one. Why would I ask God for help or anything as long as I felt God hated me? If God was this loving parent type figure and did not step in to make it stop, then I surmised I was worthless, even evil.
 
When we grow up with such disregard and the balance of power is based on might maBalanceOfPower1kes fright, it is a scramble to get our needs met for all involved. Operating out of a deficit, people try to grab all the stuff they can so they feel filled and fulfilled, usually at the expense of other people. There is not enough or never enough mentality. One wins, the other loses.
 
Is that why when we start earning money to buy stuff, we get that stuff to fill us, surround ourselves as a comfort? If we cannot get what we need, the affection, emotional intimacy and connection, from people, will our stuff do to fill that space? Or more often we get a pet to love and who will love us back unconditionally (generally with regular feeding). Maybe we come off as prickly around others as our previous experiences around people are skewed and we do not trust or know their motives for being nice to us. I grew up in poverty where there we did not know if we had the basics. Living on the edge like that can also shape our habits such as keeping the cupboards stocked whether we get around to eating the food or not. There is some comfort we have enough.
 
When being treated as less than, we can carry that forward which affects our personal and work life, keeping others away at arm’s length and even isolating. We wrestle with being lonely, intimacy and being vulnerable. That sense of powerlessness permeates each cell.
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Accumulating Stuff

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell
It is easy to accumulate stuff: food, clothes, cleaning stuff, knickknacks, papers and more papers until it fills up our space. It starts out so innocently, one piece at a time, one can or sheet at a time. A stack here, a stack there. Table top piled to overflowing, stuffed cabinets. We do not remember that we have already gotten a few of those things already so believing we might be out, we purchase another one or two. Those corners of stored stuff begins to creep out toward the rest of the living space. Sometimes we just want to scream, run away, shut down or wish we can get a big ole’ dumpster and start tossing.
Looking at all that stuff is TooMuchStuffoverwhelming and we just do not know where to even begin. Shuffling one piece to another place, then to another place seems so fruitless, we want to just give up and shut down. In a cartoon way, we halfway expect those humongous piles to come to life overpowering us and even swallowing us up. There may be times we feel we cannot even breathe because our space has become so constricted.
Where to start? I struggle with papers. Most of my recycling is paper. Taming the paper tiger is a challenge. The thing with papers is that they are so thin; they get noticed when paper creep takes over a lot of places and spaces. My tendency is to get frustrated and just throw it all out, all that stuff, clutter.
Two things I have noticed. One, “hoarding” certain things can be tied to our growing up times. If we grew up in a family that experienced “not enough” food, nice clothes, other stuff (also called material deficit), we may think it gives comfort to know we have enough food even though it will become expired, science experiments or freezer burned. Having all that stuff around us can seem like a comfort. I have found it to be a false type of comfort. It takes up precious space, time, energy and money. It is likely it will have to be tossed, donated or recycled, not being of more immediate use to us. Because I grew up quite poor and we weren’t sure of Clutterour living conditions, today, I did not want to be in that position again. I have choices. That past can be in control of our purse or wallet.
Also, what is not addressed is that when we let go of something, there may be an element of grief of letting go. It filled a space and served a purpose. There is that emotional connection.
When I noticed that I was making decisions based on my history, I know I can make my decisions now based on the changes in my life circumstances. I can respond and not react. Stop to breathe into present time then decide what I can make for dinner or lunch based on what I can use up before it gets too much older. I still stock up on certain things. I am working on it.
Two, how to work on those piles of stuff. Some people do well by setting the timer to tackle one area. Setting it for 10 – 20 – 30 minute intervals can help make the project more manageable. Or maybe another tactic is to fill two grocery sacks then take them to the trash, recycling or donation. For me, even when I was a kid, I would use the number system. Today, I will put away 47 things. (The key is to handle each item one time, no more than two times to follow through finding its rightful place. It also makes for less work of touching the same thing over and over again, moving it from place to place to its eventual final landing spot.) I found that once I got started, I can add some more items to reduce the piles.  Noticing how the piles have gone down and I see the surface of the dining room table can inspire me to keep going.
If this is still so overwhelming, it may be time to ask a friend or find a supportive “coach” to help work through this process so it can be more manageable and you will be more successful in clearing space for what truly is more important in your life. More money, more time, more space. Instead of dreading coming home, look forward to coming home, your sanctuary; a peaceful and cozy space to just be.
One of my happy times is coming home to a clean house. Having a messy space eats up my energy and it is difficult to really relax with a crowded space. It is a gift.
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Looks are deceiving

Posted on by Kathleen McDowell
My husband, the movie aficionado, put on “Lady in the Van”, starring Maggie Smith. As I was watching it, I recall many years ago a movie called “Nuts” starring Barbra Streisand. These movies have a lot in common with our own personal lives.
Initially, the movies showed a person who looked “different.”  As the movies unfolded in their timely two-hour lengths, their stories in snippets showed earlier events that affected their own outcomes to give us greater understanding of how they got to where they are today as a reaction or response to those events.
Isn’t that how it is with our own road to recovery? People do not necessarily understand or want to understand how we got to where we are today. All kinds of events help to shape us. Sometimes we are rejected by others, some offer cursory pleasantries, some are fearful of us from not understanding. We can be stuck in fear, push/keep people away from us. Our coping strategies which worked back then might still be in use today even when they are not likely to serve us that well. We just do not know those back stories that define us which leads to other people deciding how we are, true or false. Other people may make up stories of how crazy some of us are or we get that sympathy card (you poor thing) laid on us. 
When someone takes the time to OwnYourExperienceshear our stories, our history, those events, whether they occur in therapy, group, a spiritual context, a friend, it can not only provide context to why, this can also help to set us free from that shame and guilt we have carried around for years. That sack is very heavy and we become weary.  Our past can weigh us down and it will show. There is hope that someone will celebrate our achievements to still be standing and alive.
So how can we decide how a person is without knowing the rest of the story? I used to listen to Paul Harvey’s “The rest of the story…” about someone, generally someone well-known. As he unfurled their story, my admiration for that person grew and I gained greater understanding of how events shape that person Harvey was talking about. The extra special part was how that person moved themselves through those events and adversities to do something with their lives. They seemed to not define their lives by those occurrences.
A few years ago, I went to the class reunion. As I walked in with a class friend, I looked around to see who was there.  I saw one classmate who looked at me as I walked in and she appeared to stick her nose up in the air. Wow! I thought. She has no idea who I am now, where I have been and what I have done after all those years, just like the other attendees. How many of us know that about others? Likely, there are a lot of us overcoming obstacles to still remain standing. Although at times we are still shaky.
So give others the benefit of the doubt. Try not to make up stories as we truly do not know unless they share them. Same with our own stories of overcoming.