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The other day, I was in a discussion. This person said they wanted to share something that they had been carrying for a long time. So after sharing the big secret, it explained why this person kept going back to what I would say is an unhealthy relationship. Carrying around a deep regret is painful. It is even more challenging when the other person will not accept that heartfelt apology, asking for forgiveness. Sometimes, what gets said (or done) is so painful to the other person that nothing we can say or do to make amends works. We are rebuffed; sometimes, over and over again. The damage is done and it changes the relationship. We say things (or do things) out of our own hurts and resentments and betrayals.

It is said that confession is good for the soul. I believe opening up that locked door, to give words and emotions to it, can relieve us of that burden of carrying it. Asking for forgiveness (and not doing that again; penitence) is like offering a gift. They can accept it, throw it away, stomp on it and push it back in our face. They have their options. Yet, when we want that forgiveness so much, we might do anything to get it. What happens if it doesn’t? Do we keep trying and trying and trying? Do keep atoning even though the desired result doesn’t happen? And when would it become a punishment from the other person if you keep trying, what is their exacting payment they expect?

It looks like being awash in shame for our choice of words or deeds. I could be what we said to them comes across as shaming. Maybe there isn’t ever enough groveling.  Maybe it is time to pay attention to see if the rejected apology really is just a continuation of their unresolved pain and feelings of shame.

At this time, it might be more about forgiving ourselves for our emotional thoughtlessness then waiting around for the other person to forgive. There are people in our lives that will hold a grudge till their last breath. Some of my family members are like that. After trying for many years to figure out what I did “wrong” without explanation (if you don’t know, I am not telling you), I worked on forgiving myself. Wracking my brain to rehash every little word and event, I was at a loss.  That is when the real work began.

The other component is speaking up about something that is bothering us and being shut up. That can be when we finally blow, saying what we have wanted to say to get their attention. I wrote a letter to my grandmother letting her know how upset I was about her favoritism; how I was treated differently. She responded with a grudge and punishing silence. I took that on as my shame for saying something. It became a way for me to not speak up for fear of vengeance. It looks like a cycle once we put our words in that goes on and on with no exit. Punishment. Shame. Shame. Punishment. Actually, in that cycle, we all pay.

By letting it go, forgiving myself and offering compassion for the other person, as well as for me, eventually I freed me from holding onto the shame and “accepting” that punishment. I believed there must have been something wrong with me if someone stays angry. Not always the case. Give yourself some room for that compassion and find peace.

On the heels of the solar eclipse, it is time to let go of the things that hold us back. You know those old shackles, balls and chains that hold us fast to the past. Sometimes it can feel daunting to let them go. They are the familiar and we know how to cope with them.

After chatting with a friend and comparing notes how we think nothing is moving, nothing is happening. We are in this holding pattern. Any effort to move forward is met with resistance. Maybe what the resistance is about is for us to look backward and take care of the mundane. Clearing out the corners of our house, the clutter and the piles. Processing the stuff and deciding if it fits and has a use for where we are at now. We can

find comfort in our stuff.

 

 

Maybe we start by letting go of the easy stuff. Using our energy to move out what we can. There is a connection between holding onto our stuff and holding onto the emotions. It is difficult to unclench our fingers. Does letting it go mean we are losing control?

There is a difference between having control and being in charge. Being in control to me is determined by our outside world. I have seen people try to control the people and actions outside of themselves so they can feel safe. It doesn’t work that way. Sooner or later, it will fail and fear and anxiety creep in and we can lose “control,” becoming frantic. In my view, it is a victim-victimizer situation.

When we learn to be in charge of us, we can make those decisions that are based on what we want, need, ability to say yes or no. What is important to us is based on us, our wants and needs, not on whether people will like us or not.  We can move out of that crazy whirling circle. It takes practice and it is no popularity contest when we begin to assert ourselves. Doing more and more for people does not equate them loving us back.

There was a time when I had a lot of friends, women who “needed” me. Lots of drama and I was the one they called at 3 am. When I was in a family crisis, they left. Some thought it was terrible. I felt such relief! I got my life back. Sometimes it takes a predicament to sort out the relationships of who is steadfast and who blew away. They either did not come back or they tried and I moved on.

One of the ways you can take back your life to access whether they add to your life or take a lot of energy to maintain. Consider taking a sabbatical. Just a break. What is nice about a sabbatical, it isn’t a divorce and final. You can take time to figure out how they fit into your life. Is it mutual or more one-sided? Are you relegated to a role that keeps you from being free? Sometimes relationships become a habit. Shake something up for yourself.

I was blessed to have a lifelong friend that ended. I felt sad about it fading away. We grew in different directions. It wasn’t as satisfying in a mutual way. We are not the same person we were when we started the friendships. Same as for marriage. Who we were when we said “I do,” isn’t who we are now. I understand there is that sense of loyalty.  Maybe those loyal changes to something else when we get to that intersection where we go different ways.

Bless them.

Reading is my favorite past-time. I was so glad to be done with school so I can read for pleasure instead of taking tests and doing book reports. I have my favorite authors, especially the series. Thank you, library! The book is read

within a day or two then returned so the next person can enjoy it. Some time ago, I read a book that was part of the series, so the librarian suggested I order all of them. There were two authors. After a week, I asked my son to pick up the book for me. He called, “Mom. There are 13 books!” I had three weeks to return them and if it ran longer, I would renew. So, I sorted them into two piles in order. In three weeks, I had read them all. What a marathon!

This week, a book on order had come in. A light read which is always nice. Just the title was intriguing. Any Dream Will Do by Debbie Macomber. I thought about how dreams evaded my growing up. I think about every dream I had was squashed to nothing by my family. There was one dream that I did keep. There has to be a better family out there where I can be loved and accepted. It was a far off fantasy. Yet, it was that dream that kept me alive so I could escape the nightmare. There was always tomorrow. It will be much better tomorrow. ..

In reading the book, the Any Dream Will Do kept me moving forward, sliding backwards, going forward again. Believe me, those slopes were slippery. I believed in tomorrow. The issue with that belief is that I miss out on today. Those pleasures and smile-worthy times can be fleeting because tomorrow beckons. We can get caught up in the history and hang on to the old dreams. Maybe it is time to update them, take those steps to become attainable.

Today, when I have those challenging days, I go back to embrace that dream of a better tomorrow. Gratefully now, I have wonderful friends who are supportive and honest. We share our struggles and victories, cheering us on.  I don’t feel as isolated which makes a world of difference. I am grateful for my husband and son who love me through those bumpy times. It took a lot of years to open my heart for these to happen.

I do have other dreams now and am putting action steps to have them be a real possibility. So is it time for you, too? Can we get beyond survival so we can live, get those rewards for doing the action steps and accept this is something we can really have and celebrate? Any Dream Will Do. We can start somewhere.

With another age click coming right around the corner, I am noticing it is not pretty. Parts hurt where last week they did not. Energy can lag depending on the day. A few weeks ago, I met my friend and we talked about the aging thing. I told her that I had recorded some measurements and climbed on that scale. She showed the most compassionate look, placed her hand on mine and said, “I’m sorry!”  It was just what I needed to hear, Compassion.

With wanting to move in another direction, I needed to make some new decisions, those “exorcisms” that have become habits, offering comfort, as I feel the downhill slide.

When we are asked or urged to “lose weight,” lose or give up eating our comfort foods (ice cream, Twinkies, chips, etc.), smoking, excessive drinking, there is grief involved. Even though we know it is probably better for us to let go of those things, each thing served us to some degree. The extra weight is giving us the sense of feeling safer, that insulation from hurts and trauma. Eating that creamy bowl of ice cream with hot fudge sauce goes down so well, like a big hug. Eventually for me, it catches up.

Over the years, I have continued to adjust my eating, adding more vegetables and fruits as a replacement for the other things. Finding something that is not an exact equivalent yet will work can be tricky until we get used to the new. (TIP: After peeling a banana, I cut it up and put the pieces in the freezer. When frozen, I will put my coconut milk in the blender then drop the frozen banana chunks [try strawberries, chucks of mango, etc.] to make a smoothie/milk shake. Satisfying and yum!)

Whatever we “lose,” let go of, there is the element of grief. That sadness. When I am coming to terms about letting go of chocolate, cheddar, chicken and sugar, I can feel that tug of pulling it back into my food rotation. As my friend and I talked, that stuff sends out that Siren song to lure us back. Just one bite… Last night, that chocolate was yelling at me. I drank water and went to bed. It is not that I don’t have will power, it is that I struggle with won’t power.

My knees are better. Another friend said since I was minimizing sugar, that is likely the reason. Sugar is considered an inflammatory substance.

There is a gym close to my house that I go to. Notice “close to” is the operative work. Now regardless of the weather, my excuses are minimized and the bathroom is much closer. Once a week, I meet my friend and we go together. She wishes I lived closer to help her get in the groove. The excuses I can come up with are melting. Taking the small steps can make bigger changes and it can become easier.

Grieving the old losses can aid in moving into the replacements and the new stuff and a better way of living. My motivation? Going on a trip next year that requires a lot of walking. Since I like to see the history tours, I will need to get my body agreeing with me to do that. So off I go…

Every day, we tell stories. They may be in songs, poems, prose, sagas, tall tales, unbelievable stories where truth is stranger than fiction. Some short like yes, no, maybe. Some are lengthy, detailed explanations. We ask, “How was your day? Anything interesting happen?”  A story follows. Often stories are attached to questions asked or from volunteered information.

It is an opportunity to learn more about people and for people to learn about you. It is through sharing that relationships can build as we look for common touch points and connections. I met D at church as she shared about taking care of her mother. I walked up after the service to introduce myself. We went out for lunch and the rest is history. We are very close friends.

Stories shape our life, define it, make room for more stories or we can drop some of those stories. Our childhoods are a continuous string of stories and storytelling. When we begin to share early stories, we can use it to help resolve angst and create a way to process what happened. As I have processed some of those stories, I have been able to put events into perspective, offering a healing road of understanding and releasing.

Repeating the stories can be irksome to some people who have already heard it. Kindness helps in understanding for the storyteller when said again. Saying “I remember you telling me that before” is kinder to let them know they are on repeat. Sometimes, we are working out the kinks through the story for our understanding and healing. There is more to the story, parts that have risen up that were deeply buried. Sometimes, it is just an “aha” moment when pieces come together.

There may be times we repeat a story like if we do it enough, we can change the outcome. The outcome that can change is our own inner concepts, a way to let it go. An understanding and compassionate ear and heart can make the difference. If we have those stories that we have had to stuff inside, keep secret, telling them is a huge deal. In the backs of our minds, we can feel like we are betraying the family. That was expected from us, to carry those secrets, even if we became conflicted and ill from them.

In an African nation, I heard that after a person passes away, the griever gets a visitor everyday for 40 days to talk about the deceased as a way to facilitate healing. I wonder if that would aid healing for survivors who would be able to share their stories, peeling off the layers and layers of pain and betrayals.

Maybe that is a key factor in developing connections is through stories, our stories. The healing and even triumph of overcoming such impossible odds, moving out of the darkest night of our souls into hope and light and a gift of ears to hear.

The stories from our families can break or bind us. I think it can be both.
My last uncle passed away recently. It stirred up a lot of family pots for me. This became the opportunity to work through some of the last painful parts of being in that family while finding redemption.
Many times while I was trying to piece together the pick-up 10,000 piece puzzle, people would say that some things just won’t make since. It just is. Still, that was frustrating. I like to have an understanding of the why so I can put it into perspective of how those pieces impacted my life. Maybe it is more about discovering how that stuff that happened was set into motion many years before me.
Thus, here are the family snarls. It is those tangled knotted up lies that take on an air of truth when repeated often enough. Trying to defend or to bring the truth up can be met with incredulous looks. “I know who you are and what you all about.”
“How do you know? It’s a lie.”
“I just know…”
How can a person even begin to address those snarled up threads and have the truth about something really be presented and accepted? I have found it can be challenging when people close their ears and put their hand out to block any words that go against what they have believed for years. When my uncle passed, I feel that the perpetual lies have come to an end.
My cousin has been instrumental in helping to fill in some of the blanks from stories heard growing up. The stories were funny, crazy, tragic, sad. Interesting how those “secrets taken to the grave” don’t necessarily stay buried. Some of the events and perceptions that were puzzling made more sense. This offered me the great gift of healing those deeper wounds, clearing the way for moving forward less encumbered. In a weird sort of way, this also humanized my mother, grandmother and aunt. Moving into compassion and understanding of how difficult their lives were that was based on their perceptions and needing to survive the best that they could shift me into greater compassion.
Wounded people hurt other people. Gratefully today, there are many opportunities for healing and letting go if that is the route we are brave enough to take. Letting go of that baggage can create a freer and lighter life.

It can be very challenging to surrender. Which does it mean? Giving up by raising that white flag or letting go? Letting go to find peace and to make room for the new is my path.

While meditating, I heard, “You don’t have to fight to live anymore.” Huh? I did not realize that I was doing that. Every.day.of.my.life…   Stepping back to look at the bigger picture, I can see how that played out. Because I was living in the chaos growing up, I believed that if I didn’t do what I had to do, I might have died before being an adult. So I fought, sometimes tooth and nail, to stay alive. I pawed forward, shoving and making a space for me. I felt I had to either fight or give up, winner or loser—nothing in the middle.

The picture I saw yesterday was the sword (and shield) I was carrying, poised for battle. God said I am a wonder, but not Wonder Woman. I can put down the sword and shield. As I laid them down, I felt so much lighter and much more peaceful. Last night was one of the best nights I had for sleeping. Maybe now, I will be able to allow life to come to me, open and receptive. My action will not be about fighting to gain ground; it will be for the ground to walk me to and for the best fit and highest good.

I am at a freer and more peaceful place now.

In another book, Catalyst for Grace by Patricia Ferrera, has a lot to say about the process of living in Grace. In one section, she talks about forgiveness, too. She suggested that (in my words)to imagine me sitting in one chair, God sitting across from me, another me to the right and the person I am working to forgive to the left.

What I liked about this concept is that I am able to say how hurt and betrayed I felt to that person. The important step is that I felt heard, that saying something gave credence to what happened to me. It gives the sense that the other person will have heard me at some level. The missing piece was when I tried to forgive and reconciling what happened to me, was not part of that equation; my feelings, thoughts, fears, betrayals, loss of dignity. I believe that the missing piece of forgiving is being heard how we felt. Funny how when I did that, I actually felt heard then could release the hold I had on that person.  Doing it this way when the person is unavailable (or dead), is a good substitute. Or if that person you would like to confront won’t work out and might interfere with the ultimate goal of releasing that person.

Another part in The Shack is the discussion is about relationships. If we are hurt and betrayed by someone, we don’t have to have a relationship with them, then that can still stand. Even when a person we know betrays and damages us, we still can end the relationship. It is freeing to know, even when that person is a long-term friend or family members.

I believed that unless I held onto them, I would be doomed to re-experience the same thing again and again of someone else doing painful things to me. Holding onto that old stuff is like attaching them to me, schlepping them from day to day, month to month, year to year, life to life. So look at how many are attached to us. How they slow us down, keep up from moving forward. We spend a lot of time keeping track, I wonder how much time we spend on that when we can be living life forward.

I will continue to let go of hurtful and painful experiences from people because my freedom depends on it

The book talked about redemption. I looked up about redemption and its meaning, along with some synonyms. With redemption is restitution, atonement, recompense, making good, penance, renewal.  So forgiveness does not mean a “free pass.” It is an opportunity for repentance meaning an opportunity to in a way make it right-er. I know we all have lessons to learn. Some events are more painful and expensive than others.

Later in the book, God talked about how not forgiving is like holding the other person by the throat. As long as I am hanging onto that person, I am putting me as playing God. Deciding how I think the punishment of that person should be, exacting the level of pain I was feeling. I wanted those persons to hurt as much I did, maybe even more.

Early in life, I would think about ways to exact the level of hurt and betrayal I would want the other person to feel. Then I remember in the Bible it said that revenge is the Lord’s. So I let it go. As I exercised patience, something would happen to the other person I could not have fathomed. Now, I see it isn’t revenge; it is more about accountability. What were you feeling, thinking, doing? How come? People are usually blinded by their own pain that they hurt others from that pain. Like being in a blind rage. They are disconnected from their own feelings so matter how methodical or dissociated they are, they can continue on that path of intense inflicted pain. Does it make it right? Absolutely not. Still, to me, I’ve learned that it ultimately is between God and that person.

I thought about a person who hurt me growing up. As an adult, I decided it was time to be brave and forgive. Before, I ran the scenario through my mind of how it would play out. I would get that heartfelt apology, we’d cry a little bit and it would be good. I sat down and said I wanted to say something. I proceeded offering and was met with a what? You still hanging onto that?! What was in my mind did not match the outcome I expected. I felt appalled at the response and then beat myself up for believing that anything I say would have made any difference. Because of the expectations, I felt worse. So generally, I don’t expect apologies even though I can hope for one. I have been leaning more toward dealing with apologies from my side even if I choose not to ask for one directly.

With the concept of redemption and letting go, or rather handing the person “over” to God would mean I would step away from playing the God role to let the other person have their own accountability day.

Years ago, I had talked with my then minister about my mother and how with her passing, she would be able to skate through without being accountable for her actions. All those years of abuse and she just gets to walk away, washing her hands of it all? The pastor said, God is not only a fair God, He also is a just God.

Through the years, I have figured out there isn’t a “judgment day” kind of meeting. It is being accountable for your actions and how you lived your life. Yet, how about that letting go thing? When I envision all the people who have hurt me and those that violated me, that is a lot of people I am keeping tracked of. Lots of baggage being carted from day to day, place to placed, year to year, life to life.

Looking at it through the redemption process has helped me view forgiveness differently. We do not get off the hook. We are accountable for our decisions.

Forgiveness. That concept has been difficult for me to embrace and even practice often. Growing up and from church teachings, when someone “trespassed” on you, you are to forgive their trespasses”. Throughout the sermons and Bible passages, if we or the person who hurt us, if we ask God for forgiveness, all is forgiven, erased. Poof. Just like that, the sins we carry are erased, almost like it never happened. I believed that if I forgave, it would mean the slate would be erased and that person can just do it over again and again with each “I’m sorry.” So I stopped accepting those I’m sorrys. If I did that, maybe it would stop. It didn’t.

How often have we heard from other (well-meaning) people that we should just forgive and forget? How do we do that when the abuse is so painful and life altering, something we live with everyday?

I have been reading and understanding and looking for ways to forgive that is meaningful. It is easy for someone who hasn’t been in tragic situations with ongoing pain and betrayals to say just forgive and get over it. I have struggled with the concept that asking forgiveness automatically means that the deeds are gone and erased, especially when I am feeling that I am still serving that “life sentence.” No matter how much healing and praying I do, letting go, repurposing my life, I still have the scars and reminders are ever present. Not that those are on high alert every day. Still, they are there.  Triggers happen and the abusive past comes for a visit. Letting go doesn’t mean it will always stay gone.

Last month, my friend and I went to see “The Shack” which was based on the book. I recalled hearing about the book. The movie talked about forgiveness. My interest was piqued so I ordered the book from the library. After reading the book, particularly the last half, it offered another segment of forgiveness that made more sense to me.

In the book, the main character carried around bitterness, anger and resentment. It closed around his heart, stemming the flow of love for the rest of his family, clouding his view of the world. Seeing this visual was interesting as being in this state becomes so normal that you don’t realize it isn’t like that.

When he gets a note to visit the place where tragedy was, it stirs up a lot of that pain, moving him out of numbness into feeling again. There he meets God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the opportunity to see forgiveness in another light.