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Does it interfere with your sleep? Do you rub your worry stone so much it turns to sand? Do you get short-tempered, kinda snap? Road rage? So stressed you drink, eat, cry, scream, shut down? The connection that I see is that control. When I am so worried about something, it can be traced it back to trying to control factors that are generally out of my control. Worrying about outcomes, the suppositions, what-ifs, how can I affect the outcome I want? How can I juggle it all without dropping any of the items on my list? When or when can I get a good night’s sleep so I can do what I can about what is going on?!?!

Control. The stress level ramps up when we cannot get organized, when there are too many things coming at us that demand immediate attention, competing things on the list, other people’s pressure. That list that grows and keeps us in a tizzy.

I have seen people who seem to have a lot of stuff going on that they cannot control take it out on someone who has less power such as yelling at cars on the freeway and cutting them off, flipping the bird, yelling at the television, taking it out on a subordinate worker, a child, a spouse/partner, a pet, innocent wild animals, as a way to think they are in control of something, someone when they think they cannot control their situations. To me, it is a form of torture to the other person from a person who can exhibit a tortured soul, emotions and situations. Venting becomes a form of therapy, dumping on a person. Just makes the receiver fearful of the spewer. Might makes freight! They just lose it, flying off into a rage and spewing. Someone always gets hurt when this happens whether it is another being or if that rage is turned back onto you.

When stress and the sense of lack of control arise, that frustration can turn to intimidation of other people painted with shame and guilt. That reminds me of the only science law I remember from eighth grade: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. For as much as someone tries to control their outer world, it is in direct proportion to how out of control they are in their inner world.

Paying attention to when the hijacked brain goes off, look at how lengthy the to-do list is, the expectations from self and others, the timeframe to get them accomplished and the push and pull from others who want/need something from you when you are out of love to give. Feeling that our life is no longer our own is enough to scream, shut down, self-medicate, strike out, melt down. To me, the greater the control exerted outwardly, the greater the inner self is out of control, adding to an already stressful place.

We cannot control what other people do, how they behave and what they say. Their behaviors and actions are not a reflection of us. It is a reflection of them. We can be in charge of our own self. When you can figure out what you CAN do versus what you are unable to do at this moment is empowering. Putting them in order of importance and resources is also helpful. Try to remove yourself from the chaos. Take that first step. It may not be perfect, yet it is a good place to start.

How often have you heard this line? That envy. There are times I feel the need to censor what I am saying when it comes to something wonderful that is happening in my life or my son’s life. To me it is news. Yet, there are some people who have envy and jealousy when something lovely happens to someone else. Most of the time when things are difficult and challenging, I don’t share that with them, those who have that envy bent. It is interesting how we shade things and “good” or “bad” when what happens just is neither.

What a blessing to share news with someone who is excited for you when you are excited and you can be excited for them, too. And when times are tough, that friend can be very heartfelt caring, not comparing their life to yours or your life to theirs, that one-up thing. Also, we can focus on what we do not have and compare to what other people who have what we wish we could have. That is part of envy where we believe others have way more than we do. When, really, we do have a lot if we would begin to pay attention to what we do have in our lives, our friends, the simplest things. Finding what the blessings are in our life can raise our spirits and open our heart to more gifts. Sometimes the gifts we wish for do not happen and those can be gifts, too. Those unanswered prayers. We can leave the doors and our hearts open for something better.

There have been times when I was envious of someone who I thought got a better deal, that I thought their grass was greener than mine. It took time to back off from that kind of thinking. What was their gain would not necessarily be better for me or even the best fit. We all have our struggles which we are not always privy to. There is a back story to just about everything. We generally do not know what they went through or how much work they put in to achieve their gain. Even when we are walking along side of each other, we still are on our own separate paths. These paths can add much in shared experience for us to grow. What we may think we want to help make our lives easier may not even be what’s best of us – short-run or long-run. Passing time can give us much more clarity.

I have learned to be grateful for what I do have while opening my heart to goodness, gifts, friends who are loving and supportive, cheering for me when I have achieved something or received a lovely gift or accomplished something I have been wanting to master. When it is a darker time, I can count on them to hold my hand and heart through it. In turn, I make sure I am there as best I can for them, too. So when someone says, “It must be nice…”, yes, yes it is to be grateful.

stufF creeP. stuFF creEP. StUFF crEEP. sTUFF cREEP. STUFF CREEP!!! Yikes!! How does that happen? How the stuff we collect, get, need comes in piece by piece until it looks like the house is going either collapse from the girth, the sides will fall outward or we will be forced out.

We are now in the process of doing some updating which includes moving stuff out and around, shoving things into the corners and other rooms where there is room. Too much stuff to me is chaos. So far we have made some headway by selling some things on Craig’s List, selling some of the hundreds of albums, donating to Steeple People (Minneapolis). Since my son has left some stuff, some of that is being donated and cleared out. This is as is good an opportunity to purge out the stuff, the creeping stuff.

The sentimental stuff, the stuff that does not fit, the stuff we have too many of, the stuff that we do not use. It is my goal to reduce the amount of our stuff by 25% to 33%. It can be easy to eliminate stuff that isn’t mine as I have little to no attachment to those things. I have discovered that as I pare down, it does become easier to let it go. The biggest accumulation is PAPER! I think our recycle bin is usually over half-filled with paper.

So I start by seeing if some of this stuff can be sold on Craig’s List. Then, I fill bags and boxes with items I can donate or share with someone else who can use it. As the burgeoning piles of stuff in the corners, tables, closets, the upstairs and basement storage are whittled down, I feel like I have more room to breathe!

With the needed house repairs, I want to enjoy the more open spaces instead of looking at the clutter. With this much stuff, I feel frustrated in the chaos and find I do not function as well, feel distracted and am frenzied trying to find the stuff I do need.

So out it goes. And hopefully for each item we bring in, we can either use it up to take two items out of the house. Chaos management.

My son left last Monday to go on his big adventure in Europe. The Sunday before, I was feeling emotional about this even though I have known about it for the past eight months or so. And yet as the time drew nearer, it was becoming more real. It became really real when he dropped his stuff off at the mom and dad storage facility, leaving piles and a trail of his hubris. My husband has done nearly ten loads of laundry and let us to put all that stuff away. On the upside, he did get rid of a lot of stuff before hauling it home.

As babies get to nine months old, child development talks about separation anxiety when babies do not see their moms, they get upset believing they are literally gone. As parents, I have felt my own separation as I left him at daycare. There are many growth steps along the way, a series of letting go from both of us. When he started kindergarten, I cried as I saw my son growing into a young boy who wanted to explore the next stage of his life. My mom role was, and still is, ever changing. From elementary to middle school into high school, the separation, letting go, for both us of went through a lot of changes. I went on a two-week vacation when he was in eighth grade and it was a challenge for me and I think for him, too. We had not been apart for that long ever. He was well taken care of with his grandparents and friends. Yet, it was stretching that letting go into the next phase. When he went off to college and moved into the dorm, he was launching into another world. I was learning to adjust to more space, more time and getting my car back full time. Not necessarily having more cash flow though.

Now that he has moved overseas, maybe for six months, maybe longer, he is so self-assured to do this, his dream. He does email us to let us know where he is at and a snippet of what he is doing. He is journaling everyday which impresses me. It is a comfort in a way that he has learned many tools and strategies to be able to have the confidence to do this and not to let fear and anxiety get in the way of achieving these dreams.

I am still getting used to not seeing him a few days a week (we worked together) and hearing his voice, the calls and texts. We have yet to Skype. Yet, I am very pleased and excited for him as he seeks to find himself, his passion and his own place in the world.

In my world growing up, my energy was laser-focused on survival, figuring out how to stay alive in the craziness. At my son’s age, doing this adventure, or really any adventure or passion, was nowhere on my radar, not even a remote possibility. One of my parenting decisions was to provide a loving and consistent living place for my son. It was not his fault about what happened to me. Keeping that in mind helped me to keep that going. I wanted him to have more opportunities to be a kid and to feel more freedom in growing up to be independent and to dream. It worked.

With my last birthday, now I am trying to figure out what to do with the last quarter of my life. How do I turn my passion and conviction into fulfillment? How do I embrace joy and do what is important for me. What is next for my own big adventure?

I think we look for permission, whether from within ourselves or outside of ourselves to do something, small steps or the big leaps. I have been fearful of offending someone or not taking their needs into account more than mine. It is a conditioned response. Doing what I want to do could be seen as being selfish. What about all those other folks and their very important needs.So when is the right time to do it? Where is the tipping point of being so responsible that you end up losing who you are in the process of truly living fully? I admire my son’s courage to go for his dream at his age. I think it is giving me the courage to stretch out my wings to fly.

The sermon today talked about pruning what has withered, died or does not produce fruit. As I was thinking about this, I can see how there is so much stuff that I hang onto that is crowding the vine, sapping energy where I can use it someplace more fruitful.

My son is moving and is bringing all his stuff to the mom and pop storage facility (not all, just furniture and some other important items). We are doing some upcoming house repairs which require moving our furniture and stuff around, cramming it into one room. Ahhhhhhh! Stuff!! We even have to cram ourselves into a tinier space.

I have hung onto so many things because of a memory or out of loyalty to the person who gifted it to me. Imagine this: I have six sets of dinner dishes. Some things I do have an attachment to such as a few cute outfits my son wore as a baby. As I go through other things, I wonder why do I still have them. I know that letting go of things does require some sort of grieving process. It served a purpose at the time, maybe even now, but does it serve one now? Maybe the memory is a pleasant one; maybe it is an unpleasant one. It seems necessary to do the grieving to let it go in whatever level. I hung onto my wedding dress for a long time. My ex-husband’s cousin and I made it. It was beautiful to me, a labor of love (and cost savings). The marriage did not have many pleasant memories. So one day, I was able to donate it, let it go. I kept all the wedding cards tucked away in a box.

Years after the divorce, on New Year’s Eve, I lit a fire in the fireplace and sat in front of it. I read through each card, remembering the dreams I had for a happier life, a better marriage than my parents had. As I tossed each read card into the fire, I grieved. Not for the loss of the marriage; it was the loss of the dreams I had for it. Each card burning, going into smoke, lifting my dashed dreams up to the heavens, letting them go. Hanging on to this old stuff stifled my energy from going forward, to living in today.

As I go through the things and the memories, it is time to make more space for just…breathing! I can prune what serves me best and let go (donate, gift, toss) to have greater breathing room.

Pruning also means to take a look inside and spend time sorting out which old beliefs, resentments, blame, shame, guilt, excuse making and judgments and ask if they are keeping us from living now. Do they continue to work or do they keep us from moving forward, to gain that freedom and the energy to go on. What is keeping us stuck in the past, stuck in the story that keeps us from new experiences, adventures, love? Is it permission? Then you have it.

Probably very often we are triggered by something somebody says, does, how they look at us, the smells, an incident, an interaction, sounds, voice. It could be anything from our past that gets our hackles up and we slide into survival mode; a closed door which looks like no easy exit to flee; someone with alcohol on their breath breathing on us; how someone touches us. Radar and survival goes up, way up. We have cellular memories that connect those painful, horrifying abuses. What comes right along side of that fear is the sense of overwhelm. 

The very thought of having to touch or be around fiberglass insulation really bothers me because of a painful incident when I was 14. I know I could use Prolonged Exposure Therapy to get over it, if I wanted to and if I was in the business of insulation. I am not so I am not.

Triggers can bring up issues around control and are based in fear.  Being fearful can translate into not being able to control the situation and we move into reacting to the stimulus. Some triggers can be annoying, others connect to a deep-seated fear. Dealing with these fears can be overwhelming. It is like we are back being little kids again trying to handle what is for adults. Our brains are not developed to handle adult situations and adult responsibilities.

It takes a lot of practice and mindfulness to move out of that space. We can take time to breathe, assess the situation. We can take a few seconds to figure out if it is truly life and death or is there something else we can do so we can be in charge of ourselves instead of giving our power away through reacting. If we know we are going into a situation that could possibly have some triggers, we can have a plan in place to refer to when we feel a rise in fear. After checking that is a past trigger and not relevant now, we can find a place to hone in on so we can focus on the task or job at hand to get through it. Finding that focal point, paying attention to the questions, can move us out of reacting and give us time to respond as calmly and purposeful as possible.

The other day, I was working on a project and was held up waiting for someone to get back to me with the rest of the information. Finally, I received it and got it ready a short time later. Only, the person who wanted this left for the day without saying anything. I was upset about it as my trigger was not be relevant or respected for my time and effort. After I had time to listen to myself through the replay in my head, I realize that it was not about me, it was that person’s choice. If it did not go that that day, then it wasn’t going to go out. It will be there for another day. This replay will help in future events triggered by this old response as I learn to craft new and better options. I saw that this situation may have made me look bad which streams right into that old shame.

When we can become more aware of those triggers that can take us back to those excruciating memories and nightmares, we can set boundaries about what we can and what we cannot do. We can be in charge as much as we can be to try to stop sliding down that slippery slope to the past pain. When we do get caught up in the trigger, remember to look for where the hook was that dragged us back so we can come up with other workable options. Triggers won’t likely go away altogether; some will remain. It is how we handle them that makes the difference.

Also, if when being around someone and the “creep factor” happens, it is important to honor that feeling even when it is awkward. We can just leave or in a more social place, make an excuse (going to the restroom), and just leave or remove yourself to another part of the room or area. This isn’t about them, this is about you being comfortable and safe.

There are a lot of stories, deeply personal stories, I hear from survivors. It varies on the continuum yet each one is so heart-wrenching. It is an honor to hear them though at times, I am crying on the inside and sometimes on the outside. Co-facilitating a support group, we hear so much of people’s pain being shared. Even though I can see the brokenness, the fragile states, we can see the determination to still be standing even though it seems just barely.

One of the phrases that irk us comes from people who tell us to “Just get over it!!” or “When are you going to get over it?” I notice it comes from people who do not have these experiences thus no context. Survivors who share their stories can by buoyed by the tenacity and perseverance of others. There is a lot of isolation as child sexual abuse thrives in silence and isolation. When we can come together to share stories and strength, to find some common spirit to find connection and courage to reduce the loneliness of being stuck in the pain and hurt, stuck in the story.

Finding that safe, non-judgmental place to talk about it, the feelings of powerlessness, among others who are seeking a connection of understanding can lead to healing. Recovering takes as long as it takes. The encouragement and challenging from others is heartfelt.

I wonder why sex became a weapon to conquer someone, a war-like conquest to shame, embarrass and guilt, instead of being something intimate and loving. It looks so confusing being told to be wary of strangers because of what they can do to us. Yet, it is the people we know who assaulted us. When we are little with sex foisted upon us, how are we to know the loving and intimate part of it when we learn it is used as a power to conquer and demean? This leaves us broken, lost, confused and fragile. We are clueless about adult behaviors and cannot understand it. Except it is something terrifying for us no matter how it is presented. Fear is used for compliance and control. It is no wonder why we live in fear even today. Fear of being vulnerable, opening our heart to what love is. We can be confused about what love is because of what happened. Who do we trust? How do we develop trust? Our trust compass is very broken. When pain is all encompassing, it leaves few options when we look through the lens of hurt and betrayal. It clouds our judgment; we can look for revenge to even the painful score. With the piled up shame, we can take that pain out on ourselves.

Recovery is not a linear process like climbing stairs, steadily making forward strides. It is more like a trek across the country, getting lost and going in circles, through the deserts, over and around mountains, the treacherous terrain, the beautiful places, the dark and scary ones. We can use the compass to point to another direction. Sometimes we make great strides, sometimes we slip backwards. It takes a lot of bravery and courage to move out of being stuck in the story. For any little progress, it is a victory. Small victories add up to larger ones.

As I was meditating, this came to me. Without faith, without dreaming, how would our life paths go? Do we just go wherever the winds and other people’s decisions take us? Or do we take charge, dream of where we would like to go, end up, at least for this part of our life? What we want and need at this time will likely change as we move forward, or backward. Circumstances change and we can choose to adapt or continue to let others make those decisions for us.

When I was caught up in being so frustrated and resentful with my first marriage, wanting him to change, I felt so angry with that situation I could not change. I had a “WHY ME?!?!” attitude; why am I not able to make anything different? I was stuck in a revolving door of poor me, why me. It saw it as a hopeless situation.

I was working at cross purposes trying to hope that things can be different and better while having that old survival attitude of believing that any effort was NOT going to make any difference in outcomes. It will all suck so why bother. No amount of my effort will change anything. Faith and hope? Phooey on that! Caught in quicksand. The more I struggled to go forward, the more stuck I became trying to do it by myself. Oh ye of little/no faith.

Years ago when a mentor asked me if I asked God for anything for me, I said no. I held onto the deeply ingrained belief that I did not deserve anything, let alone dare to even ask. I was showed and told from a very early age how worthless I was which was reinforced through pain. Any asking was disregarded and I was shamed for even asking. I was afraid of God, believing I was being punished for being an evil and awful person. Why wasn’t God stepping in to stop this violence? I became angry at God for “allowing” this to continue, this ongoing punishment.

I had shut myself off earthly and spiritually as a form of protection from any assistance and help, believing asking for anything, no matter how small, will come at a high price. When I did need help, I would figure out a monetary value to pay for the help. I did not want to owe anyone. Kindnesses were met with suspicion. I did not want to be beholden to anyone, to be controlled by anyone. It was quite a lonely existence.

I started out asking for small things. It got easier for me to grow and expand my faith and hope when I was able to figure out that people have free will. God or some other being did not make my parents and the others hurt me. Those people had free will to make those choices, to act that way to me (and other people). It wasn’t in a spiritual sense my fault for my painful life. This concept freed me.

Moving in this new space allowed my faith and hopes to grow. I can ask, even though I am still measured in my asking. If you do not ask, you do not get. When I am feeling that old suspicion creeping up, I can stop and process it. Either accept the gift or pass on it. I fret and worry a lot less, being clearer about what I want and need. I have learned to ask the universe for assistance for the highest good and best outcome. Having faith and hope provides direction and it works a lot better for me. Being on earth is not a do-it-yourself job.