How often are you doing things for people? We do pretty much every day. Even our pets require the human doing. The list is long with all the doing things we do for others. Maybe we learned to be givers as that is a trait that is most valued from us. Could it be that we were patterned to do the giving? If you asked, there are folks who will be quick to point out how much they value and prefer a human doing over a human being. Give. Give. Give. What happens when we give so much more than we have in our giving bank and energy accounts are overdrawn? Exhausted? Spent? Disillusioned? Resentful? What about me and what I need and want?
I generally didn’t mind doing for those who were receivers, who I view as “human beings.” They seemed grateful and it looked like it made a difference to them. It wasn’t a “habit” for them to keep reaching out for endless more and more. They offered gratitude, too. I do understand there are rough times in our lives when receiving a hand up can bridge the turbulent waters to the other side. How often have we wished and prayed for a gift, a lift, help, support? Divine intervention?
The human beings are what I consider receivers of the gifts. It is a challenge to be receivers of the gifts of time, money, energy. Of being appreciated and valued. Some of us are measured in the receiving department because we heard, and even reinforced, that by receiving (taking) we are taking away from the others who need it more. The flow stops. It is out of balance.
We talked about the human doings and the human beings. There is the third factor, the “human takers.” I consider them “the human grabbers.” It starts with smaller asks and then continues to ramp up where it becomes that sense of entitlement to get more. They see you as having more than them. They need more than you. They are stuck in some difficult rut that goes on and on like a black hole. No amount of help, suggestions or money seem to satisfy their needs or even make a difference in their outcomes. They become dependent on others to solve their ongoing problems. I get that sometimes the one thing after another occurs and seem relentless. It turns into desperate times. We aren’t always their savior as there are other places who can help provide a map out. When they play the guilt card, it can tug at your own guilt for not doing enough. It is a ploy to keep you sucked in.
A friend was really struggling, sometimes at their own doing, so every month I would send a food gift card with enough to get some basics. Then some cash to buoy them along. I saw that no amount would help them get out of what was going on. The help got them to where they needed to take some actions to help themselves. I gave a few months’ notice that I needed to stop because I needed to take care of what was going on in my household. This person then reached out to another place that works with folks to get moving forward. She was grateful, a receiver. I was happy to help for a while as it did make a difference. I also valued our close friendship and did that to preserve it.
The grabbers will just move on to the next person for help when you stop. Enabling keeps the other person stuck which can come across to the grabbers/askers thinking they are not capable of doing for themselves. The giver believes they are just helping the other person out while the takers/grabbers want the help yet see it as a diss for their lack of ability to take care of themselves. It becomes hostile dependency. Both sides can become resentful of the other. I have a hard and fast rule that if I feel sorry for you, I will not help. I see that is enabling. I will ask if I can direct you to other places for assistance.
Sometimes this goes on for a long while before you notice that there is disparity between you and the other person. They aren’t contributing much to the balance of your relationship. You can feel depleted. When you are the generator keeping others going while they hook up their jumper cables to you and only you are filling the tank of the generator, it is time to disconnect those cables. Ongoing giving without accepting the receiving for yourself can end up affecting your health including physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, energy, social and financial.
“Friends” told me when I stopped the help, since I would no longer help them, then our friendship was over like it was punishment. Phew!!! It was a huge relief. Just that alone is very telling who you are/were to them. When you are” in this position, it is okay to just stop. I struggled with that because I believed as long as I did for people, they’d like and accept me as their friend. What I was teaching them was that they didn’t have to contribute to our connection. Eventually it all faded. I needed to learn that I have value to be in a connected and reasonably connected relationship not dependent solely on what I can do for them. Receiving, being a human being, was my lesson. Whenever I was asked about something, I often said it didn’t matter. When you exchange “it” for “I” it changes the meaning. Instead of “it” doesn’t matter, it becomes “I” don’t matter.
The grabbers aren’t likely to even notice you quit helping because they probably are heading to find the next generator to keep them going. That is their reaction, the fear of scarcity. This is a loving sign that you are caring for yourself.
I was longtime friends with a person from high school. We had an equitable relationship, helping each other through. Over the years, she began to struggle a lot and I helped more. Toward the end, I noticed how uneven it became. When I had surgery and needed to have someone with me for a few hours during the day, my spiritual and church friends along with my son came over. I ask friend to come and she said I would need to pay for gas for her to come. I knew that was the end as I no longer felt valued. I also saw this as coming to its natural end.
There are relationships that end abruptly while other fizzle out over time. This is a sign of growth.
Some of us grew up being people pleasers believing our value is solely connected to how much we do for others while denying our own wants and needs. In the house I grew up in, I was shamed for asking for anything. How could I be so selfish when my mother and siblings needed it more. We were poor. I stopped asking for most anything. If I wanted or needed something, I just got it myself. This taught me that receiving is painful, greedy and unwarranted. This also made me suspicious of someone giving something to me. My mind went right to how much this will cost. It’s just not the money. It is the soul cost. Energy cost. Value cost. How much will I have to ultimately pay.
Still today, my husband and son get frustrated when they ask me what I want for my birthday or Christmas. I always say nothing. I rarely ask for anything as I don’t want to bother them. I also really don’t need anything. Some childhood lessons remain. Still, when I make scones for my daughter-in-law to surprise her, she is happy because I see her. Even when I do something for my husband, son and granddaughter, it matters. I enjoy the joy it brings. Although, I am getting a bit better finding something for them to get me as I can see how happy they are to do for me, too. I don’t feel the high cost of receiving from them.
This past year, I learned my lesson in receiving. I had major surgery and could not do much of anything for over six months. My husband took care of me. My son helped me with taking me to appointments and errands when my husband went back to work. I was frustrated with myself because I couldn’t do it and had to ask – and receive – care, learning that I was important, mattered and loved.
If you struggle with the receiving part of being a valued human being, start small. Determine what you’d like, then ask someone you perceive as safe for that. You can even let them know you are trying to work through this. We do need to receive. It is a way for us to feel valued, that we matter and are worthy of caring as well as coming back into balance. Remember that “buying” a relationship by being the doing doesn’t guarantee friendship.
Find that intersection of honoring yourself. Notice when your generator is low or being drained regardless of the receivers or grabbers. If it is out of whack based on where you are at today, pause. Step away. Process. Take a break. Give what you can afford to gift. No more, no less. Spend your time, energy and money to replenish yourself, whatever your comfort level. Not only can you be a doer for yourself, you can receive from yourself and others. Allow space to receive, even the littlest offers, so you, too, can savor being a human being.
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