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Jerry was sharing information about a book he was reading about our joy set-point.

Years ago, I heard about how our weight can be stymied by our set-point. We can reduce our size up to a certain point, then it becomes stubborn. It takes more effort to get past the “plateau.”

So learning more about that joy set-point. After reading Part I, you can see how we can get stuck with a low joy set-point. Maybe we take on that demeanor because that is what the mood was growing up. At my house, I was not allowed to express happiness, sadness or anger. Big offenses. So the climb to find a new set-point for joy looks pretty steep.

Through the years of therapy and spiritual growth, I have been more cognizant of moving out of judgment as judgment is very limiting for our moods and opportunities. Judging others is also the mirror opposite of judging ourselves. Removing that judgment piece can free us up for more opportunities. We can allow others (while setting our own boundaries respectfully) to be. We can offer compassion and kind words (generally, depending on the situation), as they find their own way through their own maze.

The other day as I was talking with my friend, I commented about getting my hair done. I said I was concerned it would cost more and it might not turn out that well. She said to move that kind of thinking out of the way. Instead, would I consider saying, “What is the possibility that I can successfully step into and live my soul purpose with ease, grace and joy.” Huh. Fascinating concept.

Growing up in our crazy house, we just expected the worse and even more worse to occur. When we caught a break and something wonderful happened, we often wondered if it was too good to be true. Any hope that things would be better or stay better were often dashed by the proverbial other shoe dropping or flying by our heads. Where is the faith and trust that wonderful things do happen and actually can change our life?

Last night, we went out with new friends. In my mind, I was already thinking on the downward slope. Then I remembered what my friend said and I repeated it to myself silently often. Strange. No shoe flew by. It turned out better than I could have thought. They had a good time, too. So I am more open to greater possibilities.

I am also working on networking. At a meeting yesterday, I was networking with nine new people. My angst was high, thinking what would we be able to connect with, stories, experiences, opinions, suggestions? I gave myself permission to be in allowance for possibilities. Connections and possibilities occurred.

When we are used to leaning back into the worst case scenarios, there is a brain and emotional path that takes us there. Have that foundation of reinforcement that nearly anything good is pulled away leaving us with the concept of there is just not enough for us. Getting to the point of crossing over to abundance, moving out of black and white, better or worse, rich and poor, positive and negative, it takes practice, moving out of that judgment. It is a judgment that taints not only other people, it paints us into the corner of despair and giving up.

My girlfriend and I have a pretty close non-judgmental relationship. A few days ago, out of the blue, I wanted to give words to something I have been carrying around for a very long time. I shared it with her. I felt much better (nothing criminal). She later said true confession, and shared with me about a situation she wanted to give words to (nothing criminal).

We can have opinions and concerns about other people in our life, wondering if what we are seeing, hearing or feeling has some validation. Bouncing it off another set of ears can give another perspective. If you are in a committed relationship, having that other set of ears can be helpful, too.

Oftentimes, we keep thoughts and words swallowed, hidden in the dark and often buried. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings; we don’t want to feel that shame, guilt, embarrassment, stigma, judged, condemned, blamed. How many times do we judge ourselves more harshly than others would?  Do we pick up other people’s “crosses,” bear their burdens as our own? Do we confess to that as well?

How do we handle those confessions? For some, that is what clergy are for or someone doing a 5^th step in AA. When we can feel safe enough to share our own burdens without repercussions, we can lift off those burdens. When we swallow those words and feelings, they can make us sick. Only we may not be aware of how sick and nauseous those words and deeds are to us, or the prison that we put ourselves in, or even other people put us in. Where is our freedom? Making peace? Finding serenity.

Finding someone who does not know you for some of those complex or more serious issues can be useful to talk to. When my marriage fell apart, I did a 4^th step (from Blueprints for Living book) about it. I believed it was almost all my fault (something I took on from my parents). After completing it, I met with a person who does 5^th steps for coffee. Following through to the next part, I was able to sort out which was my part and which wasn’t mine. It felt amazing and free to realize and accept it wasn’t always my fault. Each person has their roles to play. Having another set of ears helped me gain broader perspective so I can let those things go and ultimately forgive myself to move forward with living life.

Carrying those secrets around, especially if it comes to the child abuse stuff that was done to us isn’t doing us any good. Taking on ownership for someone else’s responsibilities creates such a heavy load for us to carry and can possibly make us ill. Deconstructing it will make it easier to remedy the hurts, pain and resentments. Getting out of jail cards. Don’t wait any longer. Do it for your health.

My friend and I were talking about houses. She looked at 50 and I looked close to 100. We each talked about the “feeling” when we saw a house. When she found hers and I found mine, which gave the feeling that said “welcome home.” It would be a good fit. Of course I had it checked out, using my head along with my heart. I felt the love and showed it the love. After all these years, I still feel like I am getting a big hug when I walk in the door. It is a sanctuary, a peaceful respite from the swirling cacophony outside my yard.

When I needed another car, a similar thing. It is a feeling that the car will be a good fit. When I shop for vegetables, I ask if that is sacred to my heart, a fit for my attempts to healthier eating.

Then, when it comes to meeting people, I have initial feelings about them, too. There are some people I meet that I keep at arm’s length. Just a feeling. Then there are those I feel I can work at developing a relationship. For me, it takes time. It’s a feeling.

Relationships for us survivors take time. Initially, we may want some friends in our lives as we may have experienced such loneliness and a sense of isolation because of our past. Because of assaults, we can be skittish around people, wondering about their motives for being nice or even being mean. Our senses about people can be skewed, keeping our hearts blocked. Or we go the other way, too much too soon with someone. Being needy?

So how do we use that “feeling” around people when it seems easier when it comes to houses? I learned how through many years of practice and coaching to find a balance, moving away from that all or none thinking. Push away, come close, go away in relationships. We struggle with those and it is okay to acknowledge that. Once we can do that, we can figure out a way to move forward to allowing space for a good friend or two.

I do slip back into trusting no one. Then I remind myself that this is today and I can trust, even selectively, who I can trust. It is practice.

When we can begin to expand conversations to move past our histories, we heal. What used to take up our whole house can eventually become a shoebox stashed on the shelf in back of the closet. It still can have painful triggers and pop-ups, and we learn to acknowledge those and move through it. It has taken many years for me to get this far. I still have difficulties from time to time. With the loving support of my close group of friends, I move through. May you be blessed as well.

After talking with my spiritual teacher yesterday, he pointed out that I am still carrying the negative experiences from my life. A recent incident at work triggered a past pain that has been gnawing at me and has resurfaced, bringing back times I felt so powerless. It also brought up deep anger seeing how that pattern plays out like a looping video. For a long time, I had kept that buried, believing if I could do enough, soon enough, fast enough, good enough, I would be able to outrun that pain. Not so. I finally realize how exhausted I am from always running.

My teacher said I do not look good in that Jacob Marley (The Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens) kind of way, dragging all those chains which weigh me down and steal my living life. When we watch The Christmas Carol, we see that Jacob Marley was carrying the weight of his life choices (greed, disdain for others, ego-centric, gaining from other’s misery) by shackles and chains, moaning his regrets. I did not realize until my teacher lovingly pointed that out about me. What if I was also carrying around those same things, only I was casting those things onto to me? Holding on to those miseries cast my way that I have held onto for dear life as that is my legacy. What if, after all these years, that isn’t my legacy at all? What if all that stuff is just other people’s tainted views and it isn’t me at all? Paraphrasing Michelangelo when asked about his statue of David, he was just cutting away all the stuff that wasn’t David. That can be the difference. Instead of letting other label and define us, we can find out who we truly are.

That is the challenge with being labeled by others. We will either spend our time trying to convince others we aren’t like that person they think we are or we will say screw it, as long as they think I am that way, I will show them in spades. Either way, it takes too much energy and steals from living a life more happily. An option is to spend as little to no time to defend and portray. We can just out the life of who we truly are, peeling away those sticky layers and bloom. (Those of us who are late-bloomers know.)

So now I know. It is a gift when we are shown our shadow sides lurking in the background like it is part of the wallpaper of our life. So let those shackles break free, one by one, as we can walk in more sunshine than shadows.

Another life-changing event for me. A few months ago, my position was restructured and I was let go. Then last week, the other job was also restructured and I was out the door. Initially, I felt my ego was taking a hit, that there was something wrong with me. Why me?

When I step back and look the bigger picture, I can see a bit more clearly that I would have not left them on my own accord. It is the nudge the Universe saw I needed to move on to doing something with my passions. It is time to do something that I feel will make a difference. Last Sunday at church, I had a conversation with God when I asked what’s next. God said I needed to take care of today and plan for tomorrow and leave the rest of the days to unfold. So every day, I am reminding me of that.

My friend and I have been developing project. Then another idea filtered in so we are working on another project, too. Now that the pieces are coming together, there is an excitement that I have not felt in years. It is like a gift within a gift within a gift.

What changed? Me. Before when I was shown the door, I would be so upset, consumed with worry about possible financial difficulties, beat myself up for being a failure. When things began to go “right,” I would fret about when the next horrible thing would happen as that was my lot, the life of Job. That narrow focus would keep me from seeing the larger picture. My attitude changed to see that now; there is something grander, a higher purpose, for me. When things would look like they are derailing, I now embrace that it is a direction correction, not the end of the world.

Is it keeping those rose-colored glasses on full time? No. I am still mindful, showing up to do my part, while being open to receive. The most challenging thing we will do is change our mind; the easiest thing we can do is change our mind. A lot has come from spiritual growth.

Give it a try. When negative thoughts grip you, say “return to sender.” Watch them float away. Those negatives keep you stuck from creative problem solving and opening up to more options.

Working takes up 1/3 of our lives. We certainly learn a lot about people in the work place and the workplace functions (or dysfunctions). As I entered the working world at an early age, I took jobs that I thought would help me rise above poverty. Lack of money is an unsafe feeling for me. I can still struggle with that one.

Throughout my working life, I have noticed how some of the places remind me of my growing up family situations. When there are complications, I feel more responsible to fix things, even when they are out of my control or job description. With one of my coping strategies, I would be hyper-vigilant, watching their facial expressions and how their moods showed. Mostly, I felt it was displeasure with me, that there is something wrong with me. This created a more intense cycle of going over the top to be more perfect and people please just so I can feel that I am worthy. If I did more and more and more, I would be okay in their eyes. Each time I strove for perfection then failed, I would beat myself up emotionally.

It would look a re-creation of my past with me continually trying to create a different outcome. Eventually, I was able to figure out that I can change me, not the outside environment in how I related and saw other people. The more I slowly changed my views of me inside, the better able I was to work. To get those emotional triggers calmed down and take a few deep breaths. It helps me to move out of emotional mind into rational and wise mind.

Even today, I wonder if my boss is upset with me. He isn’t as jovial when I come into work. At times, my mind wanders into thinking he is looking at the little things that are wrong as a way to justify…I don’t know, something. I question whether I know what I am doing, is it good enough even after all these years. Those old tapes loop right around, replaying those old messages from previous bosses that told me how terrible I was at my job. I will do a reality check asking another person what they think. There are other things going on outside of me. Even though I can see that I am getting better at putting the situations into perspective, those triggers still trip me up.

By using the skills I have learned daily, I am learning mastery. I can celebrate the victories of when I navigate those narrow passageways.

In the early years, I purchased a washer and dryer while living in a duplex. Did the research, looked at the payment schedule. I got a Norge from Montgomery Wards and appreciated the convenience of heading out to do loads of clothes. Financially, it was at times a struggle as I was making bout $4 an hour. Those machines went with me as I moved when possible. When I moved into a townhouse, they were moved right in the basement. With a baby, having my dependable Norge set made a huge convenient difference for me.

After I bought my house, I wanted those dependable appliances with me. Even though there was a washer and dryer already here, I knew I wanted the ones I brought along with me. The movers left them in the garage until I could get them into the basement. I measured both of them and was so disappointed when they would not fit down my basement steps. Old houses have narrower doorways. I placed an ad in the local paper to sell them. It was challenging to let them go.

I could not figure out why I struggled to let them go to another home. There was that sense of great loss. Writing about it gave me clarity. I wrote to Norge and Norge answered back. What I discovered was in my life at the time, my washer and dryer were the most dependable things in my life. I could not depend on anyone else, during my growing up years, family or friends, to be here for me. Just did not trust. When I learned what the issue was, I was able to let them go to a new home.

It can be easy to slip back into not trusting anyone at all. Yet today, I feel I have the best group of friends, a tribe of sorts, who get me, love me and are here for me. When I slide into the past of not trusting anyone at all, I have to remember that in the here and now, I do have some I do trust and that will be here for me today.

Last year, a tea kettle I had for over 30 years was retired (recycled). Dependable, making the hot water day in and day out for my tea. That dependable necessity brought back the feelings of Norge. My husband after he announced it was time to go, he asked me if it was okay. I allowed the feelings loss and grief for that dependable tea kettle. My husband promised me he would find a comparable replacement, copper bottom and stainless steel with a whistle. He did. It is a nice substitute. My husband is dependable. Just like Norge.

Over the course of recovering, do we recall anyone who has been dependable for us? I have depended on myself. Most of the time, rarely asked anyone for help. I needed to learn about interdependence. To go from very independent to letting go of control to allowing someone to help and be there is a wonderful gift. It is especially sweeter when it happens in love. Give yourself that gift. It is worth it.

In the craziness of growing up, we focus on just getting by, trying to stay alive and find purpose in continuing to make it through. When we do that, we often aren’t able to see outside the narrow path we are traveling on to see the beautiful, gifts and kindness. When I was struggling, I was also very suspicious of any kindness, figuring it will cost me dearly. When given someone, a favor or assistance, I would be looking for the hidden pain that will charged, that exacting fee. When a “gift” would be offered, I would be so surprised and shocked. Those occasional intercessions would create exhilaration that I could not believe it. Mostly, I saw the darkness, searching for the light of hope, of freedom.

As I made it through high school, I was so fearful of everything; especially if someone offered anything. As I grew into healing, I saw snippets of some cool stuff, cool people. Mostly, I couldn’t believe anyone would want to be friends with me. So when I began to open up a bit to strike up some relationships, it was cool. My friendships evolved as I grew and healed. Along the way, I began to notice, or maybe I became more open, to see and experience some cool things.

When I look back, there were some wonderful things that happened to help give me a spare moment of peace and hope in the craziness. A couple of my teachers, Mr. Findell and Miss Moe, became small lights for me. Those small kindnesses helped as I zigzagged to graduation. Looking back becomes clearer that even when I saw it as another set-back; it actually got me to the next steps toward freedom. Each stormy cloud has a glimmer of sunshine.

As my life evolves, I am seeing and appreciating the cool things and people who have come into my life. I can embrace the blessings with gratitude. The opportunity to travel and see a larger world. The people I have I met that helped me move along to where I am now. As my heart becomes more open, the more kindnesses I can see and feel.

Last weekend, I received a QuickTime video from a classmate. He worked for a person I also knew from 40 years ago. I saw Pete last September at a mini reunion and we talked about our mutual friend. The clip was a Happy New Year greeting to me. Roger remembered me! How cool is that? We just do not know how the acquaintances we have made will show up later in our lives, those intersections, these opportunities, the gifts. Take some time to search out those cool things that have happened. It will soften the harsh edges of our lives.

When we are born, we are following a sequence of events that build on the next steps. We are given a baby shower. We are baptized. We get our first tooth. We sit up. Our first birthday is celebrated. We walk, run, laugh, and play. Each step toward growing up is dependent on the previous steps. We learn to set boundaries and learn about who we are as we are becoming.  We start preschool, kindergarten, first grade. We may start Sunday school. We make friends. Learn to read and count. Maybe at 13 or 14 we experience our first kiss. Sexual experience may wait until 16, 17, 18, 19. The series of milestones and other achievements lead us to adulthood, even with the few bumps in the road, giving us an opportunity for our brain and hormones to mature to handle the adult-like things.

However, when sexual (abuse) experiences are inserted before our bodies and brain can figure it out, it throws off our sequence of maturation. Even though our bodies may respond to those sexual stimuli at an early age (0 to 11-12ish), it does not mean we are experiencing sexual pleasure in the way that adults can. There aren’t those hormones yet. And even then, our brains aren’t equipped to handle those adult things. It screws up the order of things in our life. Like it is so jumbled up, we are confused.

After we grow up, our lives can still be jumbled. Out of order. How do we put some of it back in order, or create another order that works? I don’t have many answers. I know that I had a lot of therapy. I took a break from sexual relationships for 17 years. Not necessarily what I intended; however, it made sense to let myself grow more up in that area.

I think we need to look at the disconnected pieces from the supposed sequence and try to insert them back in the best way we can. We may need help in identifying what those pieces are and where they go then incorporate them. Some will slip in seamlessly; others will take some wiggling to insert them. I still don’t have everything in place. And likely, it won’t happen, at least in this lifetime. It becomes more important to figure out how to make a life work that works for you and me. It is not about perfection or even to jam it all together to just be done with it.

Take time to envision the life you want to have, what it looks like. What will lead you to further joy, peace and contentment? Start there then work backward to do what you need to do to get there. Of course, find a supportive person who will be a cheerleader and be willing to ask the questions for you to get there. I am.