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I have never gotten a mixed tape from anyone before. Years ago, I made one for myself of my favorite songs on a cassette and a couple of years ago, my husband made one of my favorite ones on a CD to play in my car.

To pass the time on a long plane ride, my husband made me a mix of songs (it looked like hundreds of them) on an MP3 player. I had not used one before, a slogger of the times because of being electronically and technically challenged. So I opted to take this gift and give it a try. I figured out how to use it pretty well and discovered there were songs in a folder that I specifically asked for. It was on the bus ride from Budapest to Prague I decided to give that contraption a try. I listened to my favorites, then the last song came on and I started crying. My sister asked me what was wrong. I pointed to the MP3. The song was “Life is better with you” by Michael Franti and the Spearheads. It was a love song from my husband. I have not ever had anyone say that to me.

When I was working the gardens, I put on the headphones and there were some new songs were added into my favorite eight. I thought I had screwed up the song list (remember technically challenged). I asked him what I did and thought those songs were crap. After a bit, I realized that the added were songs to the mixed tape was a gift from my husband. I did apologize and told him I realized now that they were specifically hand-picked for me.

I am not aware of a lot of things around me so I am not good at paying attention to the little stuff. This song list and awareness of its importance helped me to hear how much my husband loves me and cares about me. Maybe this escaped me because I have been so used to believing how unlovable and unwanted I was, all that inferior stuff still rolling around inside of me. I am so used to basing my life on how much doing I can do to be acceptable instead of someone loving for me for my being-ness.

I have kept my heart at a pretty far distance because being vulnerable opens me up to getting really hurt again, bruised and battered. It is a contradiction in that I want to be loved and feel safe in that love, yet I push away because of that ingrained fear. Slowly, and with a very patient husband (most of the time), I am opening my heart up to more love. Feels pretty darn nice!

Years ago, I had a lucid dream about my father. I was struggling with the pain from the ongoing abuse until I left home, wanting an apology for the abuse. I believed if I had that apology, I would be able to heal and move on with my life. I was really messed up, doing mean things to myself from the pain. I thought if I did that, my father would see the damage he had done to me then take some responsibility. What a fantasy I carried around.

The dream showed him in the kitchen putting his tea kettle on to make instant coffee. He poured the hot water in his cup, went to the refrigerator to get milk for his coffee, put the milk back, stirred it again, then he walked into the living room. This was profound in that it showed me how his life went on while I continued being in such emotional pain that it stopped my life, not even giving me a thought.

I accepted that I needed to get on with my life no matter what! Of course it took all kinds of routes and learning opportunities to move on from this challenging and difficult abusive past fraught with all kinds of unworthiness messages from my parents. Still, I considered every millimeter I moved forward a little victory, even when I slid backwards. The older I got and the more I kept that motto in my sights, the further I got in my healing process, even in a zigzag, to and fro motion.

When I was with X, our relationship was such a struggle to make it work. Even with breaks, we would continue to try; I continued to try as I did not want to be a failure. Finally, it reached the breaking point and it snapped and we called it quits. Even though I was despondent over the loss of what I thought would be a place of me being wanted and accepted, I embraced my motto to get on with my life no matter what again.

Besides time, I did an Alanon 4^th and 5^th step just on this relationship. As I sorted it out what happened, I was able with help from another person’s view to sort out the relationship pains and put into perspective of my part and ownership and separate from his (no, I did not own it all nor did I blame him for everything; I took responsibility for my part). It was very freeing. I was so used to being responsible for everything that went wrong growing up, I believed it in adulthood.

With time and practice, I can live my life now. When it doesn’t seem to be going well in certain areas, I stop to observe what is going on, checking the facts, then see what I can do about it. It is either something I can do or cooperatively do with another person. If not, I have a choice to either move on or remain stuck.

Even in daily life, there are triggers that can send me backwards. Small things. Even things that haven’t made an appearance in my life in years can come back. Sometimes it is a whisper, or a nudge, or a great big shove. Years ago, most everything was a trigger. As I have grown, changed, worked on myself, aged, learned new skills, most things do not register on the radar. I have learned to cope and desensitize. I learned to pay attention to the cues when those issues come up so I wasn’t blindsided.

With X, we would have lots of fights, ugly ones. He would say something that would trigger me and I would fall right into old fear and survival then really fight back as if my life depended on it. It took a lot of practice being aware of what the hooks were and how my body was responding to that trigger. It could be my breathing changes, parts of my body would become tense, I would become hotter and my brain would gear up to defend myself. After paying closer attention, I began to see the hooks that drew me back in. Each time, I got much better at identifying and then delaying becoming involved in the fray. I came up with a few lines to use to defuse it. I used, “Oh” or “Oh, okay.” When he complained about something he didn’t like, I asked what he wanted from me. When he did not have an answer, I would reply to let me know.

The biggest enlightened moment came when I was able to step back emotionally even further was something I learned in 8^th grade science. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I was so wrapped up in taking it about the personal attacks on me and feeling I had to defend myself, that I wasn’t able to see he was seemingly talking about how he felt himself and I was target practice. Seeing it from this possible angle helped me soften the harshness I felt about me and toward him. Not taking what he said so personal lessened the contempt I felt toward him. I continued to work on what I could do for me and practiced disengaging (yeah Alanon!).

After observing how I was with him and how I was around my friends, I saw that I acted different. Why was I like that with him and pleasant around my friends? I figured out, too, that some people bring out the best in me while some brought out the worst in me. Being with him unleashed a side of me that I did not like. I took responsibility for what I can do.

There are still triggers and by being in that previous relationship, I gained a lot of insights and use them today around other people. Granted some people’s issues are annoying and it is about them and how I react to what is going on. This also reminds me to exercise compassion for both of us.

Our pastor gave a sermon on family and love. I was thinking about my family and the absence of BOTH family and love.

Growing up, I had one friend in school and that was in tenth and eleventh grade then I was friendless again. I did not know about love and a loving family and felt like an outsider and did not belong anywhere. I felt unwanted an every turn, barely surviving to high school graduation. I wondered why anyone would want to be friends with me. As I went on to post-grad school, I met Candace, a new friend. As I continued on with my life, I began to have more friends. I felt so awkward around people, it was challenging for me to be open to relationships and to fit in. They became my replacement family. As I evolved in my healing, so did my friends.

I struggled for years of what a family was supposed to be as I saw on television. Loving, caring, father who knew best, the kind where it always turns out well and the family members were accepted and included. That did not fit my own family life and I felt resentment and ripped off in not having that kind of family. It was a very toxic place for me. My expectations of what I carried for what I wanted my family of origin to be created more resentment. They just could not be what I needed and wanted. I realized that all the energy spent wishing and wishing for what could not be, I can be using that to create what works better for ME.

I created my own family, the kind I had wished I had, consisting of friends who became like sisters and brothers to me who are supportive loving, kind, compassionate and also will be honest with me when I need to look at something in my life that is not working. It was an ever-changing “family” who passed through as we moved out with our lives. We met others as we traveled along.

So when our pastor talked about that today about broadening the definition of family to include others, we can include those we do not know or barely know. As communion was going on, I was very moved by the people who came by who touched me on the shoulder or took my hand with such love and support. It was a wonderful reminder I have not only made progress in opening my heart to allow others in, I was acknowledged for doing that. What a blessing!

I recently went on an overnight spiritual renewal trip. It was a 4-hour drive, yet seemed far enough away. With a lengthy to-do list, feeling pulled in many directions; a break seemed to be in order. It was a nice time to gain a wider perspective while doing some self-care. Donna offered to come along for the adventure. We were able to connect even more while she allowed me the space I needed to do what I needed in that sacred place. She understood my need for transformation and the deepening of my spiritual growth.

When we arrived at the Falls Park, I felt instantly at peace. It was so refreshing, healing and beautiful. The breezes and water seemed to carry away my cares. We spent a few hours there and I felt such wonderful healing taking place. I felt like I belonged there in that moment.

Taking time apart is a special opportunity to create space when the world feels so close and constricting. I plan to return later this summer for another space of healing and renewal. I hope you will be able to find a sacred and special place for yourself.

It is that time of year for me to clean my house, scrub away the grime and let the fresh air in. Housecleaning for me is a mixed bag. It is amazing how much paper I can accumulate then pile it up to get to it later. Stuff piles up; there are numerous things that become teetering piles. When I look at tackling the whole house, I feel so overwhelmed, I shut down. Over time, I have figured out that if I create mini projects, I can feel more successful at reducing and clearing the piles. Even cleaning the rooms (there are 33 windows in my house!) looks like too much and I do not know where to start that process. When I was able to see the bigger and smaller picture, I was able to create a system that works better.

I make a list of what I want to do, breaking it down to smaller tasks. When the papers are ready to topple, I set a random number in my mind of how many pieces I will handle, either filing or recycling it; for instance, I will handle 27 pieces. Then, continue on with my list, alternating what I am going to take care of. I feel the progress by crossing each line off that list. Forward movement.

Growing up in a chaotic house, I find when the “stuff” is starting to feel like it is swallowing up the house and me, my go-to is just to throw most everything out. I know that sounds ridiculous in the moment. It usually is triggered by not being able to find something I need in the moment, then I have a meltdown. Being mindful of that, I am working to not let it get out of hand. For me, when my house looks and seems to be in a state of chaos, it is a reflection of my inner life.

Notice how the older we get, the longer it takes to get this done? Last year, it took me several months to finish. This year, I have someone helping me get those dust bunnies from the corners cleaned out along with the all the rest. It is a blessing to have that help. It keeps me focused to accomplish more than one wall at a time. I also have become more discerning about letting items go, either into the trash, the recycle bin or the second hand store.

For me, there is something so refreshing, uplifting and freeing walking into a clean house. I like the way when there is order in my house, there is more order in my life.

As I was growing up, saying no in our family was not without pain attached to it. I recall many times how my mother would say, “Don’t you EVER say NO to me!!”, while hitting me. So saying no was associated with great pain and not allowed, no matter what. So as I grew up, not only did I refrain from saying no, I also did not say anything about other painful events being done to me. She did not want to hear it. If I did say something, she would tell me to just ignore it and it will go away. Only events got worse and more painful.

My friend and I talked about our recent trips abroad. She talked about asking her friend about going with her on her trip, saying how she thought she would really like it. The friend said no. As she became more excited about the trip, she asked her friend again. Afterwards, because her friend was also a child sexual abuse survivor, she talked about how she had to learn how to say no. When her no felt like she wasn’t being accepted, it felt like being a child again where it was ignored and she was disregarded. (NOTE: this discussion was modified.)

How often have we heard how excited the other person was and wanted us to experience that kind of exuberance with them even though we have said, “no thank you.” As their excitement grows, they continue to ask and we continue to say no thank you like we weren’t heard the previous times. Or we do that to others. I have been guilty of that, too. Maybe they hope we will catch their excitement and join them as a sharing and bonding moment. For me, it doesn’t. An option to use when being asked and you don’t want to, say no thank you, I will let you know if I change my mind. Same if you are doing the asking. If the answer is no, say let me know if you change your mind. This way, it is being respectful of the other person’s answer.

My husband and son will do that. I will say no thanks. It has taken some time and now they know when I say no, that is what it means. Sometimes I will, depending how important it is for them. It is my choice whether to participate or not.

I realize the “no” thing is a two-way street. They can ask and it is important for them to respect that answer. Also, if they are caught up in their excitement, or even if they are insisting on me taking their “well-meaning” advice on how I should be doing or handling something and won’t take “no” for a final answer, it is up to me to let them know as kindly and assertively as possible, “thanks for thinking of me” and “I will take that into consideration.”

Most people aren’t doing this out of maliciousness. Most of us are unaware we are treading on someone else’s boundaries. Knowing this, we can be more mindful and respectful.

Whenever I fly anywhere, my anxiety raises the closer I get to airport security. I make sure I minimize any metal on me in case the metal detector is set off. Going through the metal detector sets off a trigger for me of being frisked (groped) in checking for potential dangers. As a caveat, I do understand about placing security first as want to arrive and return safely. When Homeland Security introduced the x-ray machine, I became even more anxious.

A few years ago, my husband and I were leaving for vacation. The closer I got to the security check, the more I felt fear. He tried to be reassuring that it will be okay. My anxiety did not lessen so he said either I go through or he will be leaving without me. I talked with the initial agent asking for a woman TSA agent to talk to. I shared with her my fears relating experience child sexual abuse and she was very kind, taking the time to slowly and patiently help me go through.

Later on, I took a trip to visit my cousin in Baltimore and for the return flight, they were only using the x-ray machine. I started to have a meltdown about going through that. I talked with a woman agent about going through that machine and gratefully, I was offered the opportunity to go through the metal detector instead.

Recently, I went on a trip with my sister to Europe. Their security procedures are tighter over there when returning to the states. I was able to contain my anxiety passing through the metal detectors with each stop until the final leg home. I was presented with only two options: the x-ray machine or the pat-down. There was a yellow tape across the metal detector. I talked to the woman at the check-in desk about my concerns and challenges with my history. Another woman who was a flight attendant came over and calmly talked with me about how we can do this together. My sister had already cleared security and was waiting for me. The two women offered to go through the x-ray machine to show me how safe it was. Of the two options, I chose the pat-down. The first woman held my hand while the other one was conscientious about being very gentle while being thorough, talking about what she was doing with each sweep. After I cleared, I went into the restroom to calm down. My sister was still waiting for me. When I came out, she asked me about it and if I was okay. I told her what my husband said before about leaving me and then she said she was not going to leave me. That was so touching, amazing and caring. I still tear up.

Shortly after, that same flight attendant who held my hand came by to ask me if I was doing better.This certainly was a gift.

We each have triggers for certain situations. Some folks will not have patience and consider that we are making a big deal out of nothing, minimizing our feelings and fears while holding up the line. We can manage our fears and concerns by preparing, deep breathing, asking for help and compassion as we move through security to adventure.

The reason I have difficulty with the x-ray machine is that there were pornographic pictures taken of me when I was young and the x-ray machine is a trigger, regardless if they blur out those parts. How do I know if that is true? I made a conscious choice to pick one that will be the least traumatizing.