Author: Kathleen McDowell

When we are born, we are following a sequence of events that build on the next steps. We are given a baby shower. We are baptized. We get our first tooth. We sit up. Our first birthday is celebrated. We walk, run, laugh, and play. Each step toward growing up is dependent on the previous steps. We learn to set boundaries and learn about who we are as we are becoming.  We start preschool, kindergarten, first grade. We may start Sunday school. We make friends. Learn to read and count. Maybe at 13 or 14 we experience our first kiss. Sexual experience may wait until 16, 17, 18, 19. The series of milestones and other achievements lead us to adulthood, even with the few bumps in the road, giving us an opportunity for our brain and hormones to mature to handle the adult-like things.

However, when sexual (abuse) experiences are inserted before our bodies and brain can figure it out, it throws off our sequence of maturation. Even though our bodies may respond to those sexual stimuli at an early age (0 to 11-12ish), it does not mean we are experiencing sexual pleasure in the way that adults can. There aren’t those hormones yet. And even then, our brains aren’t equipped to handle those adult things. It screws up the order of things in our life. Like it is so jumbled up, we are confused.

After we grow up, our lives can still be jumbled. Out of order. How do we put some of it back in order, or create another order that works? I don’t have many answers. I know that I had a lot of therapy. I took a break from sexual relationships for 17 years. Not necessarily what I intended; however, it made sense to let myself grow more up in that area.

I think we need to look at the disconnected pieces from the supposed sequence and try to insert them back in the best way we can. We may need help in identifying what those pieces are and where they go then incorporate them. Some will slip in seamlessly; others will take some wiggling to insert them. I still don’t have everything in place. And likely, it won’t happen, at least in this lifetime. It becomes more important to figure out how to make a life work that works for you and me. It is not about perfection or even to jam it all together to just be done with it.

Take time to envision the life you want to have, what it looks like. What will lead you to further joy, peace and contentment? Start there then work backward to do what you need to do to get there. Of course, find a supportive person who will be a cheerleader and be willing to ask the questions for you to get there. I am.

Recently, three of us were in a discussion about relationships. As survivors, we can struggle finding healthy relationships with someone else. When we weren’t gifted with living in a place where being with an intimate partner that works well together.

We have lots of issues, painful memories and events that interfere with finding someone. In the past, we may have been involved with someone who may recreate our past. We can believe that if we can try to control the situations, try to love them enough, prove to them that we can be lovable and worthy of being loved, we will be able to love them into loving us. The traits in the other person remind us of our old family. We try so hard. Sometimes it works; for others, it does not. My previous relationships were great struggles. Started out hopeful and giddy. Slowly turned into painful situations. I wondered what was wrong with me. It took awhile for me to see my part of that equation. As long as I felt like I was a disgusting and an unlovable person, why would anyone want me? I would attract someone who would show that side of me, confirming my views of myself as being unwanted, unlovable.

Years of therapy and self-imposed isolation from being in an intimate relationship may have helped me grow through the changes. By immersing myself in work, volunteering, raising my son, keeping up my house often left me exhausted so I would be disconnected from my emotions and intense feelings of loneliness. I would fall into bed feeling that level of intensity of death-gripping isolation and cry. As long as I kept people away from me, from being hurt and/or betrayed so deeply again, it also kept people away from me. It perpetuated that cycle of loneliness.

The discussion was about making the wish list for what we want in partners. I found it helpful. It offered clarity for what was important for me. Having that information in the positive format help me sort out who would be a better match and help clarify what is important to me.

On the other hand, the other person asked what about that chance meeting? Shouldn’t we just leave it to fate? Yes and no. There is always that chance meeting. However, I also believe in making a “shopping list” for the traits and options of the person we prefer to be in our life.

After my first marriage, I learned not only a lot about him; I learned a whole lot more about myself. I learned about what I still needed to work on, healing, adjusting my expectations, let go of old stuff that doesn’t work for me and become more skillful in communicating. Finding a healthy relationship was challenging when there wasn’t one modeled for me. Just wanted to live in a drama-free place.

Someone suggested I create a list, making sure all was put in the positive. Instead of no smoking, no drugs, I put down smoke-free, chemical-free. I added some things that were opposite of what I experienced. This included financially stability, sense of humor, fidelity, kind. It was a list in process. As I met people, I was able to see if what I preferred actually fit, adjusting the list.

The other reason I wanted this list is because in the past, I would set a boundary, a preference, those deal breakers, then begin to fall into that old pattern of feeling the intensity of loneliness and my unworthiness. When something was off, something from that old pattern cropped up, I would tend to let it slide until it slid all the way back to history, replaying the past. That list was a present reminder to help me make a change toward a healthier relationship and partnership.

An important indicator for a good relationship is to ask yourself: “Are we better persons together, bring out the best in each other or do we bring out the worst in each other?” My first marriage brought out my worst side. I became someone I didn’t recognize and didn’t respect. Now, I am with someone who does. And matched pretty much all on my list.

Originally, I was going to be out of town the weekend before Thanksgiving. Since I was thinking I’d be busy and tired, I asked my husband and son to make the dinner. Then my trip was postponed. Still, even though I have done Thanksgiving dinner for 35+ years, my guys still wanted to make the dinner and give me a holiday off from not only making the whole dinner, but doing most of the dishes as well. It was weird. All those years of having the system down, I tried to let go. My son called me a helicopter cook and ordered me out of the kitchen. Sigh….

I did make the sweet potatoes as my contribution. My husband did the brining, too. When both of them got the turkey out of the brine and getting it ready for the roaster, I stuck my fingers into the turkey just to check for any pinfeathers and other leftover stuff. Also discovered was the giblets and neck were left in the cavities. Good thing I spotted that. I guess it wouldn’t have been the end of the dinner if it were left in there. They both utilized my computer to check various
recipes.*

I asked about the cranberries. Husband took them out of the freezer…frozen cherries. Luckily, my son was dropping his friend off who worked at a grocery store so was able to pick up a bag. I coached him how to make them. Son used the Microplane very well zesting the blood orange. No pith!

I learned a lot with this process. I can trust my guys to do well with the dinner. They figured most things out. They worked well together. I was still important from afar. After all was done and the dishes and kitchen cleaned up, my husband commented about how much work it is and how much food was made. Maybe there was appreciation for the years I did make the dinner. Organization and timing is important. Trusting is very important, too. They came through.

As we sat down to eat, my son asked what we are grateful for. It was very touching when he said he is grateful for what his dad and I do for him. Our little family is very grateful for each other while our hearts are pretty big.

So for consideration of next year’s dinner, I can pick up one of those frozen turkey loafs in an aluminum pan, already made refrigerated mashed potatoes, jarred gravy, canned cranberries, Stovetop dressing and a bakery pie. Not likely, but a great back-up plan!

Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful.

*Sorry I did not take a picture of this wonderful feast.

It is Thanksgiving. From the sermons and in the paper, it is the season to give and a time to express gratitude. I was considering the difference between giving and taking, giving and receiving. We can find it much easier to give to others than for others to give to us, that receiving thing.

When people offer something, the options are to take it or we can open our hands and hearts to receive. As I see it, taking means missing a wonderful opportunity to be gifted, to receive something with open hands and hearts instead of a closing your hand around something as a fist. When we can begin to move out of lack and see there is abundance, we can be open to sharing.

For some of us, we have been taught that giving is all we have to do to be accepted, even loved and “appreciated;” our human doing is more suitable than our human being. When we receive, or take, it can invoke in others a lack, if you get, there is much less for me. As long as we offer our hearts and hands, there will be plenty of people who will take; some graciously, some greedily.

What if we offered with our hearts and accepted those gifts with an open heart with gratitude. Not everything offered is something we want to receive. There is discernment to what will serve our highest purpose. We can be gracious as we let them know that we appreciate the offer as we decline.

With Thanksgiving as the start of the holiday season, it is a great opportunity for us to be more open and loving, accepting and forgiving (mostly to ourselves) as we clear our old and stale baggage to live a freer life. The key is to be able to maintain this process way into the New Year as it becomes a loving way of life for us. Imagine how this can spread to others who haven’t experienced heart-felt loving kindness.

Happy Thanksgiving.