Author: Kathleen McDowell

Forgiveness. That concept has been difficult for me to embrace and even practice often. Growing up and from church teachings, when someone “trespassed” on you, you are to forgive their trespasses”. Throughout the sermons and Bible passages, if we or the person who hurt us, if we ask God for forgiveness, all is forgiven, erased. Poof. Just like that, the sins we carry are erased, almost like it never happened. I believed that if I forgave, it would mean the slate would be erased and that person can just do it over again and again with each “I’m sorry.” So I stopped accepting those I’m sorrys. If I did that, maybe it would stop. It didn’t.

How often have we heard from other (well-meaning) people that we should just forgive and forget? How do we do that when the abuse is so painful and life altering, something we live with everyday?

I have been reading and understanding and looking for ways to forgive that is meaningful. It is easy for someone who hasn’t been in tragic situations with ongoing pain and betrayals to say just forgive and get over it. I have struggled with the concept that asking forgiveness automatically means that the deeds are gone and erased, especially when I am feeling that I am still serving that “life sentence.” No matter how much healing and praying I do, letting go, repurposing my life, I still have the scars and reminders are ever present. Not that those are on high alert every day. Still, they are there.  Triggers happen and the abusive past comes for a visit. Letting go doesn’t mean it will always stay gone.

Last month, my friend and I went to see “The Shack” which was based on the book. I recalled hearing about the book. The movie talked about forgiveness. My interest was piqued so I ordered the book from the library. After reading the book, particularly the last half, it offered another segment of forgiveness that made more sense to me.

In the book, the main character carried around bitterness, anger and resentment. It closed around his heart, stemming the flow of love for the rest of his family, clouding his view of the world. Seeing this visual was interesting as being in this state becomes so normal that you don’t realize it isn’t like that.

When he gets a note to visit the place where tragedy was, it stirs up a lot of that pain, moving him out of numbness into feeling again. There he meets God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the opportunity to see forgiveness in another light.

This week, friends and I had a discussion between beautiful and pretty. I was wondering if there is a difference. Good old Google search explained.

How it started was my friend’s husband was asking me about seeing better. I suggested he consider finding what is beautiful two times a day then share it. We tend to look straight ahead or in the rear view mirror of our lives, missing out on the beauty that is right here, right now.

The definition of pretty is what is on the outside: face, hair, dress, and outfit, petals on a flower, the sunrise or sunset. Beautiful is looking at the whole person including what radiates from the inside out. How a person interacts, the kindness, the soul that glows.  The inner beauty can make it a smiling day.

So Donna came in with some daffodils that were beautiful. I can feel the inner energy that adds to their glow. Nothing says spring to me than sunny daffodils. Her husband commented on them as being beautiful.

The next day, he came out of his “man cave” and said something so heart-warming, I thought Donna was going to cry. He spent time in there thinking about what is beautiful. He called her his darling wife and how beautiful she was for taking care of him through his health crisis. She was so stunned that he opened his heart to that kind of beauty. I could feel that he really meant it from his heart, not just off his sleeve.

So I encourage all us to spend a few moments looking for the beautiful, beyond the pretty. I believe it can change our inner world view and our outer one, too.

On the first of January, I write down my hopes and goals I hope to reach by year’s end. So far, I am making some progress. Three of my goals are to reduce the amount of food that is wasted, becoming science experiments and thrown out, pay off a big debt and to release those old patterns that keep me from moving forward. The rest I don’t totally remember as I misplaced that paper I wrote them down on.

Maybe I recall these three because progress has been made. That one debt has been repaid. As for the food, statistically we throw away 25% of our food. That adds up to $1000s a year. I am putting a greater effort to use up what I/we made and purchased so that throwaways are minimal. I am challenged by what I can remake with what is in the fridge and pantry. I call it refrigerator surprise. I can see the progress on that one.

The last one, releasing old patterns, is showing the most progress. With my opportunities working with a group of people in the healing arts, I am feeling much freer. I call it onion therapy. As one layer is released, another layer is ready for peeling. Sometimes, the pain of history is difficult and I grieve.  Grieving is part of the healing process. Since I put that out to the universe, it is making good on me following through with it. And so it is.

As the days fly by, what we wrote out on January 1 can get lost. What I am doing now is on the day of the new moon, I am writing down those goals down, maybe in a more bite-sized version. They seem more attainable. Carrying them forward keeps them more front and center to keep my focus instead of embracing that “what’s the use?” Maybe I changed my mind about that initial goal and either refine it or let it go. I can more readily see the accomplishment, putting some oomph into it.

Then in even smaller action steps, I write down my to-do list every few days. That is one that I can accomplish much easier and I don’t feel so overwhelmed. It also has a better success rate.

If anyone has read “The Secret” about how to attain what you want/prefer, it is about intention. Focus on your intention and it shall come to you. I have seen some people figuratively sit in their chairs praying, wishing and envisioning those riches to roll in. An example is when someone prays and envisions winning that lottery, imaging those funds rolling right into their checkbook. Then you ask if they bought that lottery ticket… No, it just is going to happen as long as I believe. What is missing is that action step, or a series of action steps to get there. Action steps reinforce that intention. Goals are so important to mindfully create as a way to move our lives forward toward more meaning.

Writing down those goals/dreams without setting out doable action steps remain just that: goals and dreams. Achieving is doing it step by step, sometimes just those tiny steps add up to moving us forward much quicker. If I wrote down I want to clean the whole living room, it can be overwhelming. By putting down the steps to accomplish that, it is much easier and step by step, it becomes done. Success.

Find a dream, a goal. Work forward or backwards to get to that finish line. Sometimes, I do image that goal then say in order for that to happen, this has to happen; before I can do that, I need to do that and so on until I can get started.

Pick something that is important to you. Even if you write down the tiny steps of the journey, it can build that momentum to accomplishment then onto the next one. I am rooting for you!

 

When was the last time you had so much going on, inside and outside you wanted to go back to bed, pull those covers over your head until it passed? Sometimes, a change of scenery can be helpful in offering alternative perspectives, to help put them in better order.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided I can use that change. I visited with a friend for a couple of days. Her loving perspective and that fresh air helped me to ground and put things in a different light. Have you felt that before? Going to another place that takes you away? That sacred space? Being by the water was so pleasant. I also was gifted to meet a friend of hers and we connected right away. This opportunity to do some more healing was a blessed time. I felt a lot less disjointed and peaceful. My friend also urged me to look at things from a different view and to look at my sticking points so I can move forward to heal even more.

Another friend gets away to her sacred space from spring to autumn and puts to rest all those things competing for attention. She becomes brighter.  I appreciate that kind of glow.

Taking some me moments can be helpful. When I walk, it gives me time to process some things I have been sorting out. Which way is better than the other. Which decision will be the best fit for me while weighing out the pros and cons.

I look forward to returning. With my life going at a fast clip in many directions, I can use this opportunity to breathe and sit in presence. Gift yourself with the time away, even for a few hours, whether it is just sitting in silence by the lake, river or the trees in your backyard or visiting with a good friend who lovingly hears you without judgment. Our hearts and spirits grow with this kind of love.

 

Beautiful is such an interesting word with lots of connotations. I really enjoy beautiful scenery in nature when I am traveling. Beauty is an aesthetic. So how does that translate to people? Based on television and society, we all have our views of what beautiful looks like and what is not. She’s pretty, she’s not. That kitty is cute, that one isn’t. Could it be that the concept of beauty had its beginnings in our early years growing up?
I have believed I was ugly all my life, no matter what I did. I still feel this way. Even my driver’s license picture reflects that. Recently, this issue revisited me, stirring up old pain and inadequacy. I felt ugly; in my house, on the school bus and at school. That concept seemed reinforced every day. My other family members had that cuteness factor; not me. As our household descended further into chaos, pain and misery, it took on ugliness. I absorbed that ugliness as a direct reflection of me. Every. Cell. Of. My. Body.
I compensated by being as smart as I could; being as kind as I could. This compensation also had some adverse affects. By being in my head, I became further separated from my essence of being. My human doing carried more acceptance than my being. So I worked harder to prove my worth. I thought, as long as my being wasn’t worthy, maybe if I do enough, soon enough, fast enough, I will be enough.
Through the years of healing, I have reconciled with my feelings. They seemed so foreign as it wasn’t safe to express or were allowed on how I was feeling in a place constantly in pandemonium. I am able to express myself better in that area. Still, I struggle with that beautiful thing. I hear how I have inner beauty, a kind heart, a good mind for solving problems.
Seems strange. For someone growing up “ugly,” I have spent a lot of time developing my inner self to shine as brightly as possible to make up for my outer self. Other people may have heard about their outer beauty early on and they are now spending time developing their inner beauty. I haven’t figured out all that much about developing my outer beauty now, except maybe to smile more. Not sure if the inner beauty shines outside visibly.
What is kind to hear is a couple of my friends text me hi beautiful or will answer their phone with the same. At first when I saw/heard it, I was wondering if there is something wrong with what they see. I am learning to accept it and it is beginning to warm my heart.
I had lunch with a friend today and we talked about this issue. She, too, struggled with this issue. I can see now that it just isn’t me with this view.

After visiting with a friend about the large changes in my life, she suggested I sit in presence, to surrender to divine trust. Surrender? Give up? Why?

For years, I believed if I surrendered, I would be a LOSER!! When I did give up, that was the label attached to me. That old adage of never give up, never surrender ring in my head. In a family where giving an inch of territory was devastating and seen as a threat, that concept holds a person hostage in a home of hostages. Image that white flag being waved. It took a lot of energy to maintain that place.

So when Katie suggested I surrender, I began the steps to do that. I needed to change my mind about the dictionary meaning of it and look at surrender as a spiritual concept. Continuing to fight tooth and nail to hold on so I can still have a chance at being right. I hated always being wrong and a loser in my family.

When I began to look at surrender from a spiritual perspective, I can see how it became more about letting go, releasing something for something better; something that brings more peace and allows for more freedom.  Those old beliefs and patterns that keep us stuck, trying to get ahead while clawing and scratching our way to gain inches. Spiritual surrender can offer an easier path by moving obstacles to the side or even just lessening the resistance. Our efforts can be more meaningful as we surrender to move forward and find that inner peace and even contentment. What if all that energy I was using to keep my position was really holding me back from something better, to an opening door of other opportunities?

So surrender means letting of something that may no longer serve me, clearing that hurdle, or detouring around it so I can have access or embrace the new. Even when there is the unfamiliar, I am choosing to believe it can be the next step to moving forward. If I did not surrender the struggles and resentments I had toward my ex, I would not have made room for the love I have now. My husband is so different and loving and sweet. Even though it was challenging to let go of the pain and resentment, I was only harming me, not him. Something like this is so important to remember.

Spiritual surrender is moving to another stage. So I will sit in the moment and space so I can see what will be opening up for me to step into next.

Before I was born, the building blocks of my life were being constructed. Block by block, what my mother was laying down became the basis of how I was defined. Whether it was true or not. Maybe our parents have expectations. Maybe they have their own hopes and dreams. Maybe the baser starts out hopeful. Maybe it doesn’t. Anyway, these building blocks can end up supporting whatever else is built upon it from others such as relatives and school.

In my situation, it seemed like I was dropped into the wrong house by the stork. So it looked like my blocks had printed on them not wanted, worthless, irrelevant, disgusting, defective, hated and other mean things. Once this foundation was set, whatever words I heard were filtered through the foundation of negativity. So as I grew, anything ran through those hurtful words. Of course I believed it. It was the foundation.

As I left the house to venture out in the world, I packed up that foundation and carried it into my future life. This continued issues with work and friends. No matter the kindness, it filtered through as suspicious and untrusting. Why ever would anyone say anything nice about me?

When I was talking with my husband about this challenge, he asked me, “what if it was all a bunch of lies?” That foundation was lies and what if those kinds of things were the truth? I was struck by that. What if it was all lies? What if it was their own views of themselves that they transferred to me, so they could feel better about themselves? Sometimes, people just need to blame someone else for how their lives turned out. Children can become that target.

With processing that new concept, I have been listening more with my heart instead of my head and those faulty filters. I get to begin to build another foundation made with love and the mortar of compassion.

We have heard that we all have our cross to bear. The cross symbolizes our lessons to learn this lifetime. I believe that when we learn a lesson and let go of the pain, hurt and resentment, pieces of that cross break off, so it becomes lighter.

How often, because we are kind and understand how carrying that pain around is difficult, without realizing it, we take on and carry their cross, adding to our own. It usually isn’t just this cross and the other one; we offer to take one the next person and the next person’s and the next person. Because we are carrying them, we don’t always pay attention to how bogged down we are. As I see it, when we carry someone elses crosses, we are taking on their responsibility for learning their own lessons.

I also believed that if I hung onto that cross, I could be the martyr by holding onto those hurts and betrayals. Wear that proudly. Only it really doesn’t look that good on me to live those out. It was a way for me to be stuck in a prison.

Recently I learned that two of the crosses I was carrying weren’t mine. I get into the fix it mode for people, trying to “save” them by trying to “help” them out. It was a way for me to find value for me. If I had value, I would feel important. However, the message I received is that I have served my purpose there and for me to stay any longer would end up for me to continue carrying their “cross.” Keeping them from learning what they are here to learn.

It changed my view and freed me from the old baggage of personalizing that pain, that feeling of rejection. Instead of looking at it as something defective in me, I can see that the Universe has set me free. Freedom came with handing that cross back.

When you become aware of those stacked crosses, then you can figure a way to release it. You can just figuratively hand it back. Another way that might help in handing back someone elses’ cross, is to take a beaded necklace, rosary or mala beads, or a write on a piece of paper to release one piece at a time. A hurt, resentment, a disappointment, a violation. Chipping away at that cross until it is gone and you will feel lighter. Along with letting go, it is important that we release our own points of forgiving us, for letting go of our part in holding onto that which is not ours.

It is difficult to try to be responsible for my own life while trying to control the other person’s life. It is a wonderful gift to be free from running two or more lives and turn that focus right back to the one person you have the most effect for change: YOU. ME.

On the freeway, cars were close together when a truck signaled to get over. Ugh. Really? I was wondering if he was muttering, “Move out of my way!” I kindly let him over.

At the grocery store, have you wanted to grab a couple of items and there is another shopper with the cart parked right of where those items were at? Move out of my way…please.

Have we said what we wanted to do with our lives then were shot down, even when we carefully presented our case? Or were impetuous? We wanted to say, “Move out of my way!”

Throughout our lives, how often have we said those words in so many occasions?

Turns out after living my life wishing and wanting “those others” to get out of the way, it was me who needed to get out of my own way. Those old tapes that rewind and repeat we heard from our parents not being worthy and relevant; school teachers and school bus bullies; they tried to keep us down and even out. When abuse happens, it compounds our whole poor belief in ourselves. It isn’t necessarily other people or situations that blocked my way. On some of those occasions, it was a blessing that what I wanted to do didn’t happen. Sometimes those detours are important to either gain clarity or to gather more information.

Now that I am at a crossroads, I am learning to move out of MY way to see what happens next. It doesn’t mean I am just sitting in the chair watching television. I still need to take the action steps, work on a plan. I had no idea how far I am able and even willing to go to reach my dreams and passions. Funny how when I took that option, there are so many friends and other people along with my immediate family who are supporting me, helping me, to get there.

Give yourself the best gift by getting out of YOUR way.

Does this add joy, peace, serenity, abundance and health if I choose to do this?

I grew up in a time that when the phone rang, we jumped up as fast as we could to answer it. When it was the wrong number, our moods seem to sink. We had a nine-family party line which meant nine households used the same phone line. Tricky. I was used to reacting, not responding. Controlled by the ringing bell. Fear of missing out on something

Later on while living on my own, I was still conditioned to run to the phone. When answering machines became available, it became a lifesaver as it offered more options. Next came the caller ID. This one invention gave me the most freedom. I remember when I first invested in it. I was getting a lot of hang-up calls; hooking up that machine cleared up the mystery.

I see a similar response when someone asks us for something, particularly when it comes to family and maybe even some of our friends. Learning how to give pause before deciding can be an empowering thing. Not being so quick to jump in (unless it is a 911 call). Implementing the above questions can assist in reclaiming our time, our life, emotions and money. We always have options.

It takes practice to curtail the Pavlov response to people’s requests and even our phones and social media. Giving some space can give us even more freedom to do what we need to do for ourselves. Maybe, just maybe, it IS our turn to make the wisest decision at this time for our betterment.