I have had bumpy times with DBT and the skills involved. I have noticed that I have been gaining weight (just what I needed). In working to figure out why since I have been shedding a few pounds at a time since I began this trip. What I have so far connected to the weight gain is feeling more vulnerable. Being vulnerable is very difficult for me because I learned quite early that it was not safe for me to be connected to anyone.

With DBT, to ultimate goal is to find the middle section of three intersecting circles. On one side is the Reasonable Mind. That circle contains what I call the Jack Webb, “Just the facts, maam.” It is being in a fact-based state, observe and describe with non-judgment.

On the other side is the Emotional Mind where emotions dictate and overrule anything rational, of checking the facts. It is responding in anger, fear, not thinking, over reacting if you will. Where the two intersect, the middle, is where the DBT counselors work to have the participants be in.

The more I uncover the tamped down feelings of fear of connectedness, closeness, I have been handling it through eating. However, it is not like I binge and stuff myself all the time that I have been noticing. I also have a body that has been trained to survive and create some form of protection to keep people away at least  at arm’s length or even further. I have used my weight as a way to detract men especially from being “attracted” to me. It has been a “safety feature.” I have been noticing that even though this has seemingly served me well for a number of years, my “aging” body is now rebelling  from this excess poundage. My knees and back are bothering me. It is getting more challenging to get around. This is a frustrating place to be for me.

I realize that this is coming to a pinnacle where I need to make a new decision, update my thinking and feelings. I have taken time off from the gym. Lots of distractions and aches and pains. Now that my lower back is not as strong as when I consistently went to the gym, I am making the commitment to return soon. When I went to the gym 3-4 times a week, I only got stronger, my back felt a lot better and it wasn’t as sloppy feeling. No lost weight occurred for me. So, I focused on getting stronger and toning my muscles. If the extra weight came off, that would be a bonus.

It is this learning experience in DBT to acknowledge my feelings in context to the facts. A bigger issue with me working toward the middle is that I have lived in the Reasonable/Rational Mind as a way to survive. I can see how challenging this is to move toward center. I think that when someone is on the other side, of being in emotional mind, it would be somewhat easier to move from that space toward the middle. It is like being so independent and then wanting someone to move toward interdependence. I also think it is easier to move from dependence toward interdependence.

For me it is not so much “giving up” my autonomy, pretty much depending on myself. It will be allowing a few people into my middle circle, to have a collaborative, more of a trusting  connection. This will be challenge as I move into a place of interdependence, of developing trust  toward  living a fuller, more broader life. It is gaining that confidence and self-assurance for myself.

Trust. Yep, that is a sticky wicket…

I started DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) in January. I have heard of it before yet wasn’t entirely sure of what it was about. In my present life, I felt something was missing, something that was unhealed, residual pain from the past. A phantom kind of sadness that I could not pinpoint.

First, I contacted my insurance company to find someone in the network. I met my counselor, S. At my first appointment, my husband came along to find out what it all entails and how he can be supportive of this next leg of my journey.

I found this DBT is a two-part process. It not only included a counselor for one-on-one, it also included a class on learning the DBT skills. After I met with the skills facilitator, it was determined that I have Borderline Personalities Traits, which to me is a step or two up from having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In the past, BPD, in the DSM manual, was indicated to not have a cure, that having this personality disorder is life-long. However, Marsha Linehan developed this program in response to her own journey. You can look up further information about DBT online. Before I go on about DBT and me, following is some information about my past which laid the foundation and led me to doing DBT.

In response to how I grew up with ongoing violence since before birth, I believe, I became conditioned to disregard myself because that what was I experienced. I believed I was not important, not valued, not loved, not wanted, not validated, resented, despised, an impediment that got in the way of my mother’s life and potential happiness. It seemed that nearly everyday she reminded me that she wished I wasn’t born, that it was all my fault that her life was the way it was. She was emotionally and physically abusive.

With the intensity of this deep invalidation, I had zero self-esteem, and turned that inward, punishing myself for their behaviors, firmly believing that I had done something so wrong, so evil, I must have deserved it. I would hurt myself, including cutting, throwing myself down stairs, almost anything physical to give me some relief from the phantom pains, the deep emotional pains. As I bled, I could focus on that. I also embraced suicide as a way out from the intensity of the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain.

When I was 15, I tried for the first time. Ended up in a small rural hospital. I then tried again at 19 and 20. After the third time, I began to believe that God had another plan for me. I also felt conflicted between wanting to end the deep and pervasive pain and figuring out to live. I struggled a lot with my emotional make-up. In my family, when I felt happy, grief, sadness, or anger, I had to go to my room until I can behave better. I could, however, exhibit terror and fear. I became more rational, shutting down my emotions as a way to survive. Each day I work up,  I would thank God for letting me live another day.

Along with the lack of connection to my mother, my father also did not have nurturing and nourishing parenting skills. At an early age, he began molesting me. It progressed to more invasive  sexual abuse. This compounded how I felt about myself, that I was worthless and only here to serve whatever physical release either parent wanted. Then I was thrown away until the next time then pushed aside until the next time. For my mother, she would beat me in a rage until her rage subsided. The abuse was a range of their own pain manifestations in response to their own upbringing. I became to identified patient.

This is not to solicit sympathy or any poor me’s. It is to give a context in how my life started. As I continue on with this blog, I will be sharing more of how I coped, changed my mind, and expand on how DBT is affecting me now as I make headway in letting go of the deepest stuck stuff.

Be sure to look at Recovery Road, too.