Author: Kathleen McDowell

My friend asked me to attend a spiritual class. When I went, it was awesome, yet I noticed something about me that is coming up again. I do not have a circle of friends. I have friends, just not a big circle of them. There are times I feel sort of envious of people who do, like my son. I wish that I could be that free around people. My reality is that I have always felt like an outsider looking in and it has taken a long time to allow anyone fairly close to me, even if a couple at a time. So my circle is quite tiny with many tiny circles. One or two friends at a time for lunch. I seem to do best with one-on-one relationships. In groups, after a bit, I begin to feel so uncomfortable that I start to shut down as a way to cope then decide to be able to stay or I leave.

I have been a loner, afraid of people and their intentions. In high school, it was not until tenth grade that I had a real friend for two years in school; she was a year ahead of me. After that, no friends again. When I left high school, I slowly began to make a friend or two along the way at school. I am astonished at how many friends I do have now for which I am very grateful. They like me for who I am, even love me for who I am. Their support and encouragement mean a lot to me, even though I still struggle to believe that I am worth it.

There are times when I still want to keep my distance from my friends. With the ups and downs of work and volunteering, I feel tapped out. So I have learned to find that tricky balance for this introvert in recharging. Also, these friends more in and out of this kind for circle. Life can take over and off to the many directions our lives take us; then we can come back together, catch up. Or we can let them go.

There are concentric circles beginning with a small one in the center and the rest of them moving a bit further out. The inner circle are the close friends with the outer circle being acquaintances. Over the years, I see how some move toward the center and some move right out of the furthermost circle, shuffling around. That’s a blessing as this occurs with changes in our life circumstances and our growth. New people add another level of support, perspectives and interactions. We make room for as many as we can, or we pull inward until we are ready to go back into those circles.

Sometimes, ignoring people is an art. Sometimes it is a snub. When I was in Budapest, my sister and I were trying to get “unlost” and head back to our hotel. After walking for awhile, we asked for directions from kind people who would stop, I said we had to stop so we can stop walking further away. As she was reading the map, a group of young guys sort of flash-mobbed us. We thought maybe they spoke English and would help us. Only they were Italians, spoke only Italian to us. They were really entertaining speaking about how wonderful Italia was, listing Italian icons, etc. I chimed in “Chef Boyardee!” They said yes, whooped it up  and left. We were still lost. I asked another young person who indicated he spoke only Magyar (Hungarian). I thought it was an artful ignoring.

There is the ignoring snub where you can see and almost hear the other person say, “I cannot hear you, do not want to hear you, not listening, not going to be bothered…” They do not return phone calls, texts or emails. My go-to is to be deep in thought while passing by or so focused on doing something or lost in thinking that I do not hear them. Of course, there are times I am doing that and am not listening to anyone, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. My husband says I am easily distracted. We do hear people who sound just like the Charlie Brown cartoon adults – wah wah wah, blah, blah, blah.Goes both ways.

Have you noticed how easy it is to ignore people with today’s electronics? Having ear phones in whether or not music is playing, or how you can just put your cell phone to your ear to either have a real or pretend conversation? Snubs.

Growing up in a family where I was marginalized, hated, despised, unloved, unwanted, hurt and violated, it created a foundation of my belief that I am truly these things and I lived that belief out loud. Because I wore that, other people treated me the way my parents did. It was a way for the abuse to continue beyond the walls of our house.

It has been a long road to make inner changes to address those self-limiting beliefs. Even then, there are people who will still treat me that way. What was an important factor in addressing those faulty views is embracing spirituality.

To compensate for these views, I try to be as generous and helpful as I can to prove I am worthy. This does backfire because after awhile, some people just expect me to continue to do stuff and pay for lunch for them. When I decide to stop doing that, there is that bewildering look from them because I have always done that; I should just continue to do that in perpetuity. I do not keep track of what I do for others until it becomes so grossly lop-sided. When it becomes more about taking and taking, I feel abused again. (I know some will say it is my entire fault for not setting boundaries.) I am working on being a human “being” instead of basing my worth on my human “doing.” We can be blessed by just being and learning to love ourselves through the process, learning that we acceptable to ourselves.

Years ago, my former minister preached a sermon on life as a series of “Good-Byes and Hellos.” After taking the message in, I began to see how this flows throughout our lives. Some good-byes can be with grief and loss, Some people leave with our being relieved that we have been able to sever ties with someone that no longer fits, has created pain, or we have outgrown. We have lost someone near and dear to us. We have cleaned out our house or apartment of things that used to have importance and a special memory and no longer have much if any meaning. We can hold onto things and people as familiar and comfortable. We even hang onto things and people out of a sense of obligation, the keeper of the keepsakes out of loyalty and family tradition.

We embrace most hellos as welcome news, welcome experiences and adventures as well as opportunities and new people. These hellos can be joyful; some can be seen as challenges, even an occasional unwelcome one (for growth).

By letting a good-bye happen, I believe it creates room for another hello. I would be anxious about being between jobs and while applying, I was hopeful that this one will be the “one.” Same can be said for many others such as a partner, item we were hoping to get on Ebay or Craig’s List or even waiting for it to be on sale or what looks like a perfect opportunity. It feels like it slips through our fingers and there is a sense of loss. As time moved on, I did get a much better job than what I interviewed for previously. What seemed like such disappointments made way for a better fit. Oftentimes, we are not able to see the outcomes nor understand why this did not work out until time has passed. Looking back, I can see that it generally works out better now; that it is a blessing.

A friend tried to get his old job back. When it was not to be, he was unhappy about it. Later on, he saw there were major changes to his old position and it was not the position he had before. Time adds clarity to why.

Also, as we grow and change, our old friends do not seem to “fit” as well while some are as comfortable as an old bathrobe. We are going and growing in different directions. We can honor that history and appreciate being here for each other (good-byes) as we grow into the next stage. With this growth, we will connect with other people (hellos) who are similar paths, enriching our life now. Letting go, saying and feeling good-bye creates space and other opportunities as we can welcome hellos.

Life offers so many learning opportunities to see how some people choose to live. A person whose father is quite ill now, started business years ago. As the employees have been making changes to help maintain the business into the future, this person is having great difficulty in these changes. The more changes that are occurring, even ones necessary to move the business forward, he is trying to keep it exactly the way it is, like a

shrine to his father like the old days. By deferring it back on his father, it seems he does not own that it is his choice not to change anything, like he wants to suspend time and space.

How often do we do that? Being afraid of change, fear of losing the comfortable familiar and of moving on with life into the unknown. I equate it to Charles Dickens’ story, Great Expectations, where Miss Haversham’s fiance’ left her at the altar heart-broken. She left everything as it was as a reminder of that painful day, even stopping the clocks at 8:40 am, wearing her wedding dress, one shoe, leaving the wedding breakfast and cake exactly where it was.

Coming to terms with what is can be challenging. There is fear of moving forward, of doing anything that could change the status quo. And if we did change anything, there can be a lot of emotion and feeling that it could be seen as a betrayal of the person who created the business, the hope that the person who hurt us, or we loved, will come back and we did not want to disturb anything while waiting for their possible return. Changing directions may mean that we have moved on from that person, that pain, that disappointment, giving us the opportunity to live our lives more fully. It also means that we have let go of the illusion that we can control situations, places, spaces and time. We can really be in charge of ourselves.

Our friend returned for the last time to visit friends. She moved to Colorado so her sister can help take care of her. She has early onset dementia. I feel so sad and also some fear that it could happen to me. She had been abused by a neighbor as a young child and I wonder if that trauma can play a part in how our brain was affected by this type of abuse later on in life. She had not been able to work through it because of the times and when she brought it up to a counselor, that counselor told her she was NOT going to talk about that. So that closed the door for our friend.

I have read recent research which tied childhood trauma to major depression and in another study, major depression to Parkinson’s. When people minimize or do not understand the long-term health effects from childhood sexual trauma, it is discouraging. I wonder what the responses would be if these studies were tied together showing how it is connected? Since childhood sexual abuse occurs in at least 25% of our population, how come this is not a public health concern?

When I began accumulating information for my thesis from studies on the long-term physical health effects from child sexual abuse, I was astounded. I felt anger at how this abuse affects my health and will continue to affect it. This does not mean that all associated health issues related to this type of abuse will come to fruition and I cannot do anything about it. Some of it I can; some I cannot. Maybe I can minimize some of them. Just the awareness will help me to take charge of what I can do.

Following is a segment of my research paper which illustrates the possible physical health issues related to being sexually abused in childhood. I believe when we are aware of these, we can understand and then take action to help in our healing.

Child Sexual Abuse: Reclaiming Lives, Kathleen McDowell, Saint Mary’s University, 2011, pp 10-12

There is a connection between CSA and physical ailments presented in adulthood. People who are sexually abused have greater risk for a whole host of physical health disorders that may occur many years after the abusive incidents.

Women who experience difficult health issues as adults often have a history of physical and/or sexual abuse (Bonomi, Cannon, Anderson, Rivara, & Thompson, 2008). These ailments include gastrointestinal symptoms, atypical pain responses, cardiovascular symptoms, gynecological dysfunctions, depressive disorders, psychosomatic symptoms of anxiety, panic, or PTSD.

Gynecological problems include “sexually transmitted diseases, pelvic inflammatory disease, multiple yeast infections, premenstrual syndrome, early hysterectomy, excessive menstrual bleeding, genital burning, painful intercourse, dysmenorrhea, menstrual irregularity, lack of sexual pleasure . . .” and so forth (Sickel, Noll, Moore, Putnam, & Trickett, 2002,        pp. 584-585). There may also be chronic or ongoing pelvic pain and inflammatory disease, severe menstrual problems, and urinary tract infections. The gastrointestinal aspects are irritable bowel syndrome, non-ulcer dyspepsia (indigestion), and chronic abdominal pain (Sickel et al., 2002).

Somatic complaints are a category of physical symptoms for which the biological cause is not known. They include, “headaches, sleep disturbance, anorexia, asthma, shortness of breath, chronic muscle tension, muscle spasms, and higher blood pressure” (Sickel et al., 2002, p. 585). Patients who experienced CSA reported the following:

. . . greater fatigue, more headaches, increased back, breast and face pain, greater skin and respiratory problems, more shortness of breath and choking sensations, decreased appetite, decreased sleep, lower satisfaction with their overall health status, a greater number of actual somatic symptoms, and engaging in increased health risk behaviors versus non-abused patients. (Sickel et al., 2002, p. 585)

Other health issues noted in conjunction with CSA were reports of “poorer overall health, greater functional limitation, increased chronic disease, increased medically explained as well as unexplained complaints, increased general sleep problems and nightmares, greater pain and muscular tension including headaches” (Sickel et al., 2002, p. 585). Also, women exhibited poorer health as they aged (Sickel et al., 2002).

Research links CSA with long-term and chronic physical health issues like eating disorders, drug/alcohol dependency, gastrointestinal, reproductive, obesity, pain-related issues, heart and liver diseases, and brain delays (Havig, 2008). Other concerns are “diminished immune system capacity and chemical effects on the body of stress and trauma, resulting in both physical and psychological coping mechanisms that affect health” (Havig, 2008, p. 21).

Sexual abuse is also tied to obesity and weight gain (Sickel et al., 2002). Obesity and depression, rampant in the U.S., are connected to many health complications and diseases when adults self-reported child abuse, there was a connection to obesity risk (Rohde, Ichikawa, Simon, Ludman, Linde et al, 2008). Women who had reported sexual or physical abuse as children were twice as likely to experience obesity and depression in middle age as well as engage in binge eating and report dissatisfaction with their body (Rohde et al., 2008). I would also surmise body distortion.

Survivors of abuse were substantially more likely to be obese, also current and former smokers as compared to individuals who were not abused (Springer, 2009). Survivors also reported worse physical health, poorer mental health, and increased health risks; the health effects for middle-aged men and women are affected by childhood physical abuse to the same degree and through similar mechanisms (Springer, 2009).

There is a greater risk for a host of physical health disorders that may occur many years after the abusive incidents. “CSA was associated with worse functional disability, more physical symptoms, more physician-coded medical diagnoses, nearly twice the emergency room visits, and greater median annual health care costs” (Nunes, Watanabe, Marimoto, Moriya, & Reiche, 2010, pp. 440-441).

Chronic physical health consequences that can occur long after the abuse has stopped are “abdominal pain, gastrointestinal disorders, pelvic pain, gynecologic disorders, headache, panic, and PTSD” along with “ischemic heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, irritable bowel syndrome, and fibromyalgia” (Nunes et al., 2010, p. 441).

On the other hand, negative bias of chronic stress may have health consequences. Physically, it weakens the immune system and inhibits the gastrointestinal system by reducing the absorption of nutrients. It also reduces and disrupts reproductive hormones, disturbing the nervous system, and increases vulnerabilities in the cardiovascular system. Mentally, it lowers moods and increases pessimism, anxiety, and irritability. Chronic stress primes aversion, often reducing approach behaviors (less so for women) and increases learned helplessness, particularly if no escape is seen.

Females who have been sexually abused have common interpersonal struggles like fear and distrust which leads to disruption in communication and mutual trust between doctor and patient (Sickel et al., 2002). With various kinds of health issues arising, health care professionals are not likely to connect past childhood abuse to presenting physical health issues. Health care concerns are connected to lifestyle choices such as eating and exercise habits or it is something we are born with. Research is indicating that some of the health issues are the result of previous child abuse. When a background of abuse is not disclosed, it can lead to misdiagnosis or retraumatization. And again, this can add further shame, embarrassment, stigma, and powerlessness. It seems easier to discuss emotional issues related to past abuse with mental health professionals than talking to doctors in connection to physical ailments that could be related to the same issues. Add the number of people who are too afraid to see health care professionals and do not receive the medical care, including dental care, preventive and otherwise, and diseases can progress so far along that it becomes more expensive to address and treat. It impacts a person’s quality of life.

I said something this morning to my husband that he rarely hears from me: “Let’s go shopping.”

First, I HATE shopping overall, especially for clothes. I have a negative body image as I see myself as defective, ugly, fat, disgusting and shameful. So finding clothes that fit and look best is a mystery to me. So for the most part, I just spend my time in jeans and a loose top. When I look in the mirror, I see someone who is not who I wish I could be. I realize that it is an inside thing. I also use clothes to hide myself in.

A study was done where they found a correlation between major middle age weight gain and major depression and childhood sexual abuse, which applies to me. I have always felt out place, that I did not fit in anywhere. I know there are people out there who say to just stop eating all that crap food and exercise to get that excess weight off. Plenty of fat-shaming to go around. For me, it is an internal issue of how I feel about myself on the inside based on someone else’s perceptions of me which is a mirror. Weight gain is a way to have comfort and protection; to keep someone else from overpowering me.

So the shopping trip today (all afternoon) was about me purchasing some professional looking clothes for my consulting business. How I dressed was also a way to keep people away from me and possibly not take me seriously. My husband went along as support as he knows how I can melt down and get so crabby about this. We went to one place and the clothes I saw did not look like they would work out. We went to another store and there was a very nice lady (Rose from Dress Barn in Southtown) who was very kind and patient with me. Between her and my husband, I was able to find some professional clothes that were flattering and fun; items I would have not considered. When I tried them on, I felt kinda funny, not being used to looking nicer. I know that old saying that clothes don’t make the person. For me to take this step is a big deal.

On a blackboard, I saw this written: The butterfly cannot see its wings; however, others can. Even though I/we cannot see me/us as beautiful, others can and do. That has struck a chord with me that my view of me does not match how others see me.

Now the more interesting twist will be when I where my new clothes to work that it might create some concern I am be looking for a new job elsewhere. Well, in a way that is true for my consulting business.

I had one of “those” days at work. Drama from one place while working at the other place. Our cat was screaming in pain when I pet him by his tail. I was able to work through and with most of it. On Thursday evenings, I co-facilitate a support group for adult survivors of sexual trauma and abuse. So it was a very long day with lots of twists and turns in it. That day, I felt more like the pin ball, not the flippers.

What stood out is when I recounted my day to my husband, is how every day we tell stories. Sometimes they sound like novels, sometimes anecdotes or abridged versions. Our life has many chapters within those stories. Mysteries, suspense, reflectiion, comedy, dramas, dilemmas, who-dun-its, parables, self-help and educational. Of course, we have the opinion pages and can offer running commentary (to the television?). There are the historical accounts, past, present and futuristic ones. Some days our stories are real page-turners; other days are sleep-inducers with the mundane to fill out the rest. Our lives are shaped by the stories we tell and hear, even by those stories we do not tell.

When someone asks you, “how was your day?” it is a chance to offer a glimpse of your daily life, that what happened today is relevant, providing that person is actually willing to listen and not just want that cursory, “it’s okay.”

Stories are also a way to sort out issues and resolve problems, to gain support and other perspectives, creating space for other people while sharing our own vulnerabilities and humanness. Giving words to events, feelings, joys, little victories, fears, love, disappointments, encouragement and lessons helps move us toward action or peaceful resolution.

As we are listening to other’s stories, our brain is looking for words and phrases that connect with our own personal experiences. We do try to find a way to relate as a bridge toward understanding. It may seem like we are competing for air time when we really are looking for that personal connection of understanding from where the other person is sharing. Our brains are wired that way.

These are the diaries of our lives.

While walking out of church Sunday, I saw in the midst of asphalt, a small pothole with a plant growing in it. I was thinking about how that is like our lives at times. When we look around, all we see is a sea of barrenness, of nothing. Then when we begin to look around and down, we see some hope even in adverse conditions; we find a sprig of hope. In that space, when it seems so empty and isolating, there is still something growing there in those conditions.

When I have been in the darkest of hours, a light would glimmer to give me a reason to hold on and to get through those times. During what I call “the narrows,” I would discover more things about myself as well as use that time for healing. It took many times for me to go through these times to actually decide I can learn much and have some peace. Feels like birthing into some place new and more open. Recognizing when I am going into that space is important. I used to believe that the tunnel was so long and slow that it would take forever to pass through it. Now, by acknowledging it, it can take much less time when I honor my feelings and move through the worry and angst.

It can also be considered the “dark night of the soul” when we are wrestling with issues and feelings within ourselves. I think it happens when we refuse to deal with something deeply important or we are fearful of outcomes and do not want to make a change at that deep level. This could also be a strongly held position of how we see and believe something. At its darkest, we are faced with making a life-changing decision. Once that decision is reached, the darkness lifts and there can be a sense of freedom from something that has held us in a tight grip, restricting us from living more authentically.

This life opportunity is for us to discover who we are and to live that out. What we believe, so shall we receive. Why not live our precious lives out as authentically as we are given?

A friend and I went on an overnight trip. In the morning for breakfast, she ordered an omelet with three ingredients. It came with two of the added ingredients. When she looked at the bill, she noticed she did not get one of them. I suggested she mention it when we were finished eating so it can be deducted from the bill. Initially, she said since it was only 50 cents, it was not big deal. When we got up to the counter to pay, she did say something and it was deducted.

A few weeks before, my husband and I went out for breakfast. The server did not write down our order. My order came back wrong. When I said something about getting the wrong meal, the server hesitated then said they’d have to make a new one. It seemed to me that even though it wasn’t what I wanted, I should just eat it anyway. In my past, I would have done just that as I did not want to inconvenience anyone. This time, I did insist it be corrected.

It has been a long process for me to be able to say something and to assert myself for what I do want. Growing up, I just had to take it. If I dared said something, I would get the pushback, like what I wanted and needed wasn’t important so I had to l earn to shut up. When I began to affirm what I wanted, even when it begins with something small. If we are used to deferring because we don’t want to be a bother, it is easy to let this slide, over and over again. Well, I have learned that I am important, too! I have wants and needs. We all have them.

So when my friend asked to be credited for something she did not receive, I was cheering for her. It is more than saving 50 cents; it was her speaking up and being acknowledged. Being such a small thing is a really big thing.