The past two years have pushed us into re-evaluating our lives. What worked, what didn’t, what changed, we changed, the others changed or even stayed the same. How have we changed and adapted? We have many opportunities presented to us for these changes in our course. We have hung in there, maybe hung on and finally decided to let go. Maybe it is time for direction correction.
A job, a relationship, a friendship. When we begin, there can be hope, excitement, a place where we can grow. We think of ways we can fit in, have more income, belong, be appreciated, a connection. It can be either short or long-term. Change happens even if we wish it didn’t.
If you have experienced childhood trauma, the experience of hanging in and hanging on is met with us hoping we can gain appreciation, acceptance and approval, that we are worthy and worthwhile. With this pattern, it sets the stage for how we react and respond to others in relationships whether work, friendship or intimate partners.
A few years ago, I took a job I thought would work for me. Good hours, nice pay. I did my work and as time went on, I saw warning signs that some co-workers and managers were not really who they presented themselves to be. It’s like dating. When we start to go out, we present our best sides. Dress up, put on our best features, skills and behaviors. The hiring side also does pretty much the same thing. We see each other as potential good connection. They want someone to fill a role and we need a job. As we move on day to day, we naturally relax back into who we are. If we continue trying to be like that first date, it becomes harder to keep that façade up.
As I did my job and then some, I began to experience challenges in this work environment that were difficult for me. I decided to hang in there hoping for change. Then it moved into the stage of hanging on. I felt leaving would be seen as failure on my part, casting me again as a loser who could not make it work out. Another hit to my self-esteem. Plus, job hunting is an ugh to me. My old belief is there must be something wrong with me if I cannot just suck it up no matter the environment. No matter how toxic it gets. There are cues when we are highly stressed for long periods of time, feel like crying after we leave for home, feeling dread about going to work day after day.
The Universe sees the bigger picture and I believe it works on our behalf when we have hung on far too long to help us let go (or be pushed out). Sometimes our “suck it up” attitude cannot do that anymore. We can learn to let go and recover. We can take the opportunity to find out more about ourselves, our assets and limitations. It is part of being a healing human.
A blessing occurs when a friend comes into our life. Someone who gets us, who can relate to events that have occurred or are happening currently in our lives. Someone who helps us navigate to the next intersection, a lamp unto our feet to see just where our next step can land. Support to help us through a crisis.
In tenth grade, I made a friend who came into my life when I was in one of my darkest periods. We stayed connected off and on for nearly 40 years. About ten years ago, I noticed that the scales of friendship began tipping more towards the giving area from my side and was not reciprocated. This person knew my family and high school. That was a touchstone. We continued to grow apart going in different directions. After a time, I knew it was the end of this relationship. I hung in there then began to hang on. Because I had a dearth of friendships, I held on for loyalty. I felt sadness having invested so much time and energy, yet letting go freed us up for the next stages. Now, I am blessed with the best group of friends. I learned a lot through this experience so I can be open and more vulnerable to connect with belonging (to this group of friends) and accepted for my authentic self.
When I met my first husband, I felt this connection and was sure he was the one. I could hardly believe someone would even want me. Shortly after, I allowed myself to see some of the cracks in our relationship, yet I was determined to make it work. I invested lots of time, energy, money, compassion, understanding and even gave up what was important to me. I began changing and healing even though he wasn’t at that stage in his life. Still, I hung in there then began to hang on. After all this investment, I believed if I stayed long enough, did enough, was enough that I would be enough. But I wasn’t. Again, that failure message was present and very loud. I did not want to fail at marriage. I also hoped to get a return on investment in this relationship. So, I hung on hoping it would pay off.
Yet, we both were fractured people trying to fix each other. Women get married hoping men change; men get married hoping women don’t. That is what this marriage foundation was, a very shaky and unstable one. As I got more help, I began to change and face some of those demons. I think he was afraid to face his demons and challenges. I began moving further away emotionally and decided I needed to get on with my life no matter what. Yes, it was a painful, sad time and I cried a lot. It was the loss of the dream I formulated in my head and my heart. When I saw that I was putting in way more time and energy, which was draining me. When the final blow up happened, it was over. He was where he chose and I was going where I chose. We could not go on together.
Time to time, we may choose to go back to revisit that person, thinking we might have been hasty in our decision to let go. Generally, it turns out it was the best decision to end the relationship. Confirmation we made the right decision. A freeing one.
There are people in our lives who are very draining, who would prefer you do their work for them. We can get caught up in fixing what is uncomfortable while feeling responsibility for helping them out of their dilemma. When we expend that amount of energy, we can feel anger when the other person is not appreciating our offers of help (based from our own lens of what works for us, we would want and do about the situation). It is okay to take a step back or even ten steps back. Recalculate and reassess. There are questions to ask of the other person when you notice you are doing the heavy lifting: ask them what they want/need then ask how you can best help them.
What I have discovered is there are people who come through for us. It can be those who we would not have thought would show up. But like angels, the universe sends who we need. I have learned to ASK the universe for the divine assistance I need at this moment and throughout this challenge. Letting go of expectations and the seemingly safety of the familiar, grieving, can open greater doors for something better. Sometimes, we only need to get to the next intersection. Then, we can figure out what is next.
I took a lot of the things I have learned and repatterned what matters. It helped me gain clarity for future endeavors and opportunities. Through my son (he knew better than me apparently), I met my now husband. We have changed, healed and grown together. I am blessed and grateful for those learning opportunities which were ultimately gifts. We hang in there for each other (married 21 years). The difference is he is also putting commitment and investment into our relationship so hanging in works. We continue to be better together.
Years ago, my cousin sent me the Reason, Season and a Lifetime. All those times I fretted about what did I do for a relationship to blow up and just end or even fizzle? This gave me an explanation that was balm for my soul and gave me inner peace. It is just time to open the doors for the next best thing instead of beating me up for the things and events I cannot control. When you notice that the relationship/job is taking so much energy and you are feeling drained, ask yourself if it is time for a direction correction.
Reason, Season and a Lifetime
By: Brian A. “Drew” Chalker
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled. Their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.
Check my book 10 workplace strategies for adult survivors of child sexual abuse available on Lulu.com.
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