We are entering the time of year when kindness and gratitude are the hallmark of the season. We almost made it through another year. Because we have been struggling for the past couple years with the pandemic, there are been lots of Facebook posts and t-shirts that proclaim to be kind. However, with the pandemic among other things, it has tested not only our patience, it has stretched our ability to be kind. Hello: looking for toilet paper.
When we watch disasters on the news and social media, we can be quick to donate out of kindness. Winter is approaching so we go through our closet to find gently used coats, hats and mittens. We go through the cupboards for food donations. Our humanity shows when we can lift others up, particularly with random acts of kindness.
There are many posts about giving a smile. Holding the door open, the small courtesies right here at home. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, then I wonder why I even bother.
As I was pondering about kindness and its importance for civility and humanity, I see how my kindness toward others can be measured depending who I share my resources, time and energy with.
We keep track of our donations for tax purposes. But, do we keep track of our “donations” to people we know? It is a hopeful banking tool. We do for them hoping at some point we can redeem our good deeds. Since I took someone to the airport a few times, when it is time for me to go, I have the hopefuls they will remember what I did and readily agree to return in kind. Sometimes we can get lucky and reciprocity will occur. Using the “accounts receivable” scorecard method has serious shortcomings.
Even when I have helped out with cash, I have had to change my view of it being a loan to it just being a gift. I decide how much I can afford to gift then hand it over. It is frustrating that even after I said it would be a gift, the receiver/taker says they will pay it back and person does not. It becomes a strain on the relationship adding resentments with those kinds of expectations. The person can avoid us because of the money repayment, ending a friendship.
There are some people we continually help out. Maybe out of kindness, maybe out of pity, maybe out of obligation, maybe out of habit. Then we can decide to stop for a multitude of reasons, drop out. Would that person who became accustomed to being helped become resentful even though the relationship is quite uneven and draining? Hostile dependency. Maybe we need to turn back to our own self-care so we take a break or quit. Our personal circumstances change so we can adjust. When our time, energy and money bank accounts are depleted, it is time to re-evaluate. There are the takers and there are the receivers. That makes a difference, too.
Givers can feel guilty or have guilt heaped up on them when they pull away, stop doing for others, especially when growing up with guilt and saying “no” was met with shame and a wooden spoon or metal spatula. We can do it so we feel okay about being liked. Especially, we don’t want to be viewed as selfish. In order not to seen that way, does that mean we have to give up everything for them? I would rather receive something from the heart and not something given to meet an obligation.
I am embracing using the random act of kindness with people, even those I know in a measured way. Hopefully, I will eventually put away or burn the accounts receivable scorecard.
One of the lessons I learned from getting turned down for help from those I had counted on is by lifting my hands up to the sky and asking the Universe/God to send me the best person to help me. One example is when I needed a new radiator put in my car. I had the radiator but not the funds to pay a car shop to install it. I lifted my hands up. My next-door neighbor said he would do it for $35. I was stunned that this can work and I was grateful.
Years back, I was going through a very dark and desperate time. My son met Janet at church, grabbed her hand and said you have to meet my mom. God sent me an angel who helped me walk through that dismal valley, helping me navigate to the light again. She still is a very bright light in our lives.
August, 2020, my husband came home from major surgery then two days later I had a stroke and could not walk. After the ER visit, I came home, struggling to walk. There was going to be a bridal shower at our house and I talked with my neighbor as she checked in on us. She offered to clean our house so we can host. I was quite touched. When I ask the Universe for help (without putting expectations and narrow parameters), I am surprised and humbled with who is sent as angelic help.
As we go through the season of giving, step back and decide if you can give freely. Search your own limitations. We have them. We are human. We are told to give with joy. Sometimes we give to get the party to quit asking, begging and whining. When we give in, is it contributing to their lives? Is it enabling? It can take time to take back our lives and the use of “no.” Other useful phrases such as “that will not work for me.” “No, thank you.” “We are looking at our budget.” “Hmm, I will have to get back to you.” If someone does not accept the limitation and presses, still say a form of no. If the guilt nags at you, please get support from a supportive person who will affirm it is okay. Ultimately, it is still our decision on what, who, how and when we give.
The holidays are here. Budgets are stretched, patience is stretched. Expectations are stretched. Take a few breaths. Have a few go to kindness moves. Try to smile (to yourself) through the unpleasant encounters. There are a number of things we cannot control like lack of items in stores, long lines in the store with a shortage of cashiers, inattentive and aggressive drivers. I know it is important I don’t add to the angst of other people which adds to my own angst. Number two rule: don’t make things worse.
Keeping score can eat up a lot of resources from our lives. I can think of a lot of other things to use my time, energy and money for while gifting, practicing random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty which can be beneficial for both.
When someone offers you a kindness, the response is “thank you.” However, there is one thing I will pay attention to. When I offer a kindness/gift, if the person receiving/taking it says I shouldn’t have, I will consider taking them at their word then retrieve it. Thanks for letting me know.
Remember, it is perfectly fine to offer gifts to yourself, too.
Blessings for the rest of the year and Happy Thanksgiving.
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