The Truth about Consequences

Having a remote discussion with Frances (mother figure), she said she was only responsible for her actions toward me, not the consequences of what happened. Initially, I was aghast about that. How can she say that pushing me down the steps when I was a toddler was her responsibility, not the consequences of what happened after as I tumbled down the flight?

People’s actions, regardless if intentional or through a hijacked mind have lifelong repercussions and consequences for the one on the receiving end. It becomes even more challenging when a variety of actions reinforce the consequences that change the trajectory of our lives. One rape or over 200 (or many more). One beating versus 75 (or many more) spread throughout our childhood. One emotional berating or many more)? Whether parents are in a rage or whatever (alcohol/drugs) fuels it and we are at the receiving end, the consequences can leave a very deep imprint. So how can we not turn the blame back to those who deeply wounded us, not have them take responsibility beyond the initial action creating chain reactions that follow through our lives?

As the consequences of my parents’ actions piled up, I felt so burdened. There were times I would act out from it but mostly I turned it back on me, victimizing myself. With the ongoing inflicted pain, I believed I was an awful, evil person who “deserved” these ongoing assaults (was led to believe that). It not only took a toll on my physical body, there were emotional, mental, spiritual, social and financial repercussions that would gather more distortions that open the doors to bullying throughout school.

Who is to say I wouldn’t have experienced the deep wounds if my parents had loved me and demonstrated my worthiness? So many what ifs. Instead, my parents paid forward their family historical pain; everyday, it came out in painful ways. At the time, I could not fight back when you take into account how little I was when it started (16 months old). The size differential and age disparity created the credo to “comply or die” which became imprinted and ingrained. It became my prison of fear.

As I grew, I tried to find ways to divert the pain that was still directed at me. I would be hyper vigilant watching for cues so I would anticipate my next steps to avoid more painful attacks. I self-medicated the pain by becoming chemically dependent. When it was inevitable, I would only surrender and leave my body so the blows didn’t feel so intense. Dissociation can be a great coping skill. It kept me alive. I was angry, resentful, miserable and blaming toward my parents and the ongoing bullying I experienced throughout school and became stuck in that.

After high school, I was hopeful, more like wishful thinking, if I just did a geographical change, magical thinking would leave all that painful baggage behind. Well, it didn’t. I spent many years in therapy including a stint in a mental health halfway house and outpatient drug rehab. I was trying to cope the best way I could using what I learned from growing up. It was so difficult to get past the victim parts of my life. I was punishing me while hoping Dwayne and Frances (parent figures) would see how they wrecked my life. If they saw that, then they would see the damage they had done and finally apologize to me. I was believing that an apology would be the magic potion to erase that history to be freed.

Then one night, I had a lucid dream about Dwayne. He was in his kitchen making coffee. I saw him spoon his instant coffee into a cup, add boiling water from the tea kettle, stir it and reach into the refrigerator for milk to add to his coffee. Stirring, he went into the living room. There was NO acknowledgement of my pain, the damage. I made a new decision that I had to get on with my life no matter what. There is no getting over it. It is ridiculous to say that to anyone going through this. Move through and on.

I struggled with moving forward as it was three steps forward and two steps back. Sometimes it was back five steps forward and eight steps back. Each step afforded me greater wisdom. Then reminded me if I keep staying stuck in that pain and the consequences, then my parents would win and I still am under their control, their spell. It is a good carrot to move through it.  

I did seek help through healing stages with a variety of therapeutic and mental health modalities. Developing healthy relationships was also very important as I finally find a place where I was accepted. However, the consequences were still there as I learned to take the edge off as I worked through them one by one and two by two.

The truth about consequences is we are stuck with them, the whole mountain range. Someone else’s painful actions become our burden, especially when we reach adulthood. And really, as much as I wished for them to take responsibility for their actions, that apology that I believed would be a magic wand did not take anything away. It did not happen. As I trekked through that history, I would become angry and resentful, not only at having to address each thing, but the financial burden, time and clawing back to obtain a quality of life. I would rail at the universe, “Why me? Why me? Why?”

One of the first things I figured it out was to sort out what parts I took on as my parents’ responsibility as taught (and believed) that it was all my fault. They dumped their historical pain onto me so I thought I owned it. As long as they piled it on, they kept shedding more and got off the hook for their part and responsibilities because I was still carrying it.

I began to sort the perceived responsibilities into piles: own, donate, throw away if not mine or give them back symbolically. It greatly reduced the onerous pile so I can better address and manage these consequences. As long as I held onto all of it, I was still feeling responsible for what happened to me, not them. It is a long road to become free.  Along with way, forgiveness of self is very important along with someone who is willing to help you get to the next intersection, hopefully shedding the heavy baggage along the way.

It can be easy to just hang onto it all. I have done that and felt so burdened and constricted with those chains, keeping me stuck. This also affected my physical health. However, when we do that, we become and wear that story of pain, resentment and anger. What if we do let go? Then does that mean the hurters still get off the hook and we won’t be able to keep score? No. Not at all. As long as I believed holding on to all of that becomes my job to keep the score because if I don’t, then who will? Once I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I turned over that to the One who can relieve me of that burden, asking for the best help. It takes courage, damn the torpedoes, to get free. Takes those steps to release.

Another part of letting go of the story of our pain is once we release it and have empty spaces to fill, then what will our story be? Who are we without that story? I needed to turn outward from the inner turmoil to redefine who I am now. I am so much more than my history. It still has some definition of my framework. I found out I am strong, tenacious, clever, sturdy, loving and kind. I found wisdom as I traveled along to find out who I am while removing the lies that were slapped on me.

What will your new story be? What are your strengths and what wisdom has come about? I am learning more everyday how those painful situations become blessings. How about you? One step is momentum.