Jealousy

Jealousy is such a loaded concept. How often do we acknowledge that we are envious of others? It could of their lifestyle, what they purchased, their home, vehicle, body, romantic partner? Could be endless.

It took me a long time to move away from that as I saw it as wasted energy that I could be using for something more productive. On occasion, I will get some pangs then work through it to be free from it. It is time theft. On the other side, it is a form of judgment when we keep sitting with it. How can we know the other person’s back story about it? How do we know how much it really cost beyond the monetary aspect? Is it a dismissal of how they had a goal and worked for it? When we do get it, what is our satisfaction level? Did I discover that the money/time/energy I put into getting it was not worth it and end up donating it or throwing it away anyway? Each segment is such a personal road of discovery.

Are there other aspects of jealousy that we can learn from? What can we learn about ourselves? Do we see from our side that that person has it made; how easy it is for them to attain anything with ease? Are we entering their story toward the middle of the book and see what we see or do we see when someone has a setback, how they struggle, how far down the dark? As I said, so many aspects. I think it is a wonderful opportunity to learn more about ourselves.

Recently, someone bought a new(er) vehicle. My mind went to wow, I wish I could do that. My car is over 20 years old, rusting some and is inching up towards 250,000 miles. What was the envy about? Sitting with that image for a while, I thought it isn’t about that vehicle. I am happy with my “go-cart.” We have a good working relationship. My butt and the car seat fit perfectly. I thought it was about the freedom of having money to spend as I wanted instead of being thrifty. (Remember, we all give up things to have things.) A new vehicle would not solve my current issues. Believing that having something that someone has will solve my problems turns out it is often not the case.

What mattered was me tracing it back to childhood experiences. We grew up very poor. My relationship with money is a difficult learning experience. Maybe it impacted me more because I was the oldest and experienced more of the deprivation. I believed if I had anything, it would be taken away anyway so why have something important. I learned to navigate the narrow openings of survival. Even today when an unexpected bill comes in (car or home repair?), I slip into that old fear.

I have come close to homelessness, little food, empty gas tank and plenty of fear. When I had no money, someone who I had helped out a lot offered me $5. I had created in my mind a program where I would bank my generosity for when I would need it. Only I felt crushed and betrayed when the “banked favors” were literally empty for me to draw on by the people I had helped.  

When offered a handout, I would recoil, suspicious of motive. Yet, I would feel jealousy. How come it looks like other people have it much easier than me when I struggle so? How fair is that? As the years rolled along, I have come to learn about my own strengths and discernment of wants and needs. I realize getting a hand up ultimately helped me more than a hand out. I remember the church sending me a check for Christmas when my son was four. I felt offended like I could not provide for my son. Feelings are a mixed bag. I did need help. It was difficult to feel gratitude and blessed as I was trying to keep my head above water while feeling like I was continually drowning.

I was struggling. I was stuck, filled with self-hatred, feeling jealous, life is unfair, wishing I would be rescued from this horrible life or just leave it altogether. I would do things to try to show my father how he destroyed my life by doing self-destructive things like drinking and cutting. I had magical thinking that if he saw how terrible I was doing, he would own up to his contribution toward this destruction. One night at 22 years old, I had a lucid dream. I saw my father in his kitchen making his instant coffee, spooning in the crystals, pouring the boiling water, stirring the cup. Reaching into the refrigerator to get the milk for his coffee. Sipping it as he walked into the living room. It was such a wake-up for me to see he did not care about me, what happened and what was happening. I felt crushed at the lack of empathy. It was then I made the decision that I was going to get on with my life no matter what. The wisdom learned was taking back the power I continually gave away to others to save me from myself. I needed to save myself from them.

Looking backwards, I saw I did get help. Just not exactly how I wanted it. Each time I hoped the one person would help me; it generally wasn’t the case. It was someone I wasn’t expecting to show up. Gifts. When I began to ask and trust the universe to bring me the best person to help me, it took the burden off my generosity bank of expectations.

What wisdom can we learn to get where we would like to go? To create a life worth living based on our own wants and needs, not looking out the fishbowl into someone else’s world? To me, everyone is our role model, who we’d like to emulate and those whose traits go against our values. It offers clarity to define our own life, not living out someone else’s dreams. We can come to authenticity, not a carbon copy and if onlys, then I could.

When inventors have an idea of what to create, there are many prototypes and what we could see as failures, setbacks. It could be easy to just give up. Yet there is a passion to keep going to find the combination of what works. We have to start somewhere. A germ of an idea. A thought. A trait or a personality quirk. Something.

Instead of looking at it as a setback, it would be more helpful to look at it as a step-back. We can step back and reassess. What worked, what didn’t and what can I do that different to move forward. Today, I made a pie crust. No matter how I did it, rolled it, folded it, it just did not work. Frustrated, I scooped it up and did a basketball dunk in the garbage with it. I started over, even if it was a patchwork. Water helped glue it together. And the quiche turned out.

Instead of jealousy, let’s find our inner ability, our inner talents, our tenacity and bravery step by step to move toward our authentic life. We can use a hand out; we can use a hand up even more. Even though I still struggle from history, I can see it has led to greater wisdom and a more open heart to receive. Most choices are up to me, each creating more learning opportunities.

If we let history be our definition, then how can we move forward and move away from jealousy. Being and staying stuck can keep us on the hamster wheel of shame, self-hate, defeatism and blame.

I am rooting for you to take the next step and use step backs to find the next way forward.