Anxiety and fear have been part of the make-up of me for all my life. I didn’t know the depth of their origins. It was the familiar. There was this disconnection I had with myself. As a youngster, I would see me looking at me six feet away above my head. Connected yet not connected. Far enough away to not feel the pain yet close enough to make sure I did not get lost. As I aged into my teen years, I began to gain weight. I also noticed the intensity of anxiety, fear, depression and low energy as I yet felt removed from my body. I began to feel like a vacant house with broken windows. The stones hurled was sad to see yet being disconnected lessened the intensity of the pain.
As I moved onto the next stages of my life, I felt anxiety about living in places. It was a struggle to feel I could entirely unpack and hang pictures on the walls. I did not feel like I was home and was ready to flee at a moment’s sign. No amount of lock would help me feel safe.
I have been therapy from ongoing traumas growing up. Each was a step to getting to the next intersection. Sometimes forward, sometimes backward, sometimes detours to get around those potholes I kept falling in. Decisions were mostly made with fear as my guide. I also prayed for help and guidance. I looked for miracles to catch a break. I also was somewhat suspicious of that help, wondering how high that price would be if I accepted. I was not a gracious receiver.
I have struggled with weight and addiction issues. Even though treatment helped, I still had many challenges. People were there to help. I took it in couched in fear and anxiety. I still was dissociating. Self-medicating to numb the trauma and dissociation. (I am sober over 30 years now.)
In 2019, I began seeing a naturopath and going to the gym. I felt ready to transform. I was doing well. My weight was going down and my stamina seemed to increase. I already had Dialectical Behavior Therapy, too. I also began Prolonged Exposure therapy to help address the traumas and to reduce its daily impact. I was feeling better.
Then at work during the 2019 holiday shopping season (I am a cashier), I felt so bombarded that my PTSD skyrocketed. All the weight I had dropped came right back on in two months. I felt defeated. I realized an issue I had all along that kept me in that state was that I did not feel safe in my body. I continued to live outside of myself.
I have been told several times I needed to be back in my body. But how do you do that when it is a foreign experience?
A friend asked me if I heard about polyvagal theory. No, I had not. So, I decided to read more about it. It pertains to the vagus nerve which starts in the neck and goes down to your abdomen. It carries an extensive range of signals that affect your digestive and organ system and the brain. The tenth cranial nerve originates in the brainstem through the neck and chest region to the abdomen.
Stephen Porges, PhD, says the body remembers the experiences of trauma and when feeling threatened, we can get stuck in the trauma response mode. When there is no trauma or the trauma has passed, our body can still feel like we are in danger when we aren’t and the defenses stay engaged. For me, I began to notice how many times a minute I breathe. I learned a lot of calming techniques in DBT, but it was not focused on the breathing aspect.
In my spiritual group, we talked about how many breathes to take in a minute. Six. That is calming to me and helping to find safety in my body so I can move back in. As I practice the breathing and continue with my morning Zoom meditation group, I am feeling a lot calmer. The support of the group really helped me get through another holiday shopping season with lessened impact on my PTSD responses. I became more aware when my breathing got shallow. I stopped and inhaled deeply, held my breath and slowly exhaled as many times as I needed until the PSTD symptoms abated.
Moving back into my body can offer me better health by reducing stress levels and other benefits I have yet to experience. Though it is important to be aware of protections from the outside; it is much better when I can feel safe, yet aware and discerning, from the inside out.
I will be exploring more about the polyvagal theory. Breathing is a good place to start.
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