I AM SO TIRED…

Most of my life, I have been tired. I have gone to the doctors to figure out what is wrong, why my energy level lagged. I was tired when I went to bed and almost as tired when I got up. My blood tests showed normal (whatever their normal is). More often, they would not know or attribute it to depression. I would try the different medications to no avail. I was still tired. I felt frustrated dragging through the day, everyday. I felt mentally spent.

On the way to work a month ago, I sighed, expressing how tired I was. I heard a voice ask me, “What are you tired of?” My body and mind was telling me all along. I kept ignoring it. The concern I had was the feeling of overwhelm. I rattled off a number of things. So as I was listing what I am tired of, foremost the pandemic, I tied it back to the challenges of my childhood. What I am tired of amounts to many filled train cars and I am the engine that chugs along, hauling history, past and present.

Growing up in an abusive family, there is plenty of baggage that comes along, including many generations of past abuses, passed on to me. I ended up carrying that cross of generational pain. We were told to carry those burdens silently. Later on in life, I was told it was my cross to bear. But is it? How did it become my responsibility to carry generations, both maternal and paternal, of painful history? It looks like it became a rite of passage, to carry it, relieving those burdens (to some degree) of the others.

For the list: are you tired of the pandemic; waiting to see what happens before planning a wedding or funeral; birthday celebrations; meeting friends and getting hugs? Stuff going on at work? Relationships that bear little to no fruit? Jealousy of others? Struggling with finances? Ongoing health issues of yourself or partner/family member? Depression and anxiety? Keeping up with housework and laundry? Traffic? Pain from the past? Resentments and bitterness from past relationships or disappointment in family interactions? People being rude and uncaring? People snapping at you and being short-tempered? Political commercials? Feeling just giving all you have to just keep up while running on fumes? Loss of purpose and direction? Losing yourself in the mire?

With the pandemic and quarantine, we have had to look at our lives differently. Some still went to work Thank you to all. Some ended up either working from home or furloughed and stayed at home. It became an opportunity to catch up on household projects. I got my spring cleaning done and cleared out some nooks and crannies. More busy work. I also noticed how exhausted I was. Running from one place to the next, keeping up, even while supposedly taking rest breaks. The guilt (and shame) of being “unproductive” ate at me. And the daily question, “what’s for dinner?” Yikes!!

It also became an opportunity to see how our relationships are working, or not. The distractions of doing, going, parenting, working kept people enough apart to go along, focusing on things to get done. This quarantine can show the cracks in many parts of our lives that we have postponed. Emotionally reconnecting. Being a better helpmate. Rearranging the chore list for more equitable distribution of time. Even with our friends, that emotional connection is an important lifeline.

What I figured out is not that I am tired; I am weary. To me, being weary is feeling bone and soul tired. The relentless feeling of being overwhelmed. I think on some days, I cannot take one more thing. My plate is stacked so high trying not to spill anything. Figuring out which thing I can take off my plate and resolve which results in increased anxiety. Yes, I even make lists.

I know, I know. People can be glib when they tell me to let it all go; just forget it. It is conditioning of living in chaos. Been in therapy for years, working through the complex nuttiness and fear. Telling the stories of shameful events has been freeing, especially since I was able to without judgment. That is a good place to start. Sharing these stories can put into context whose responsibility it is doing the abuse. Being taught at a very early age it was my fault, I am able to sort out my part and their part and release/return it to the rightful owner or release it to the ethers. We do not always know that there are the parts that do not belong to us or it is our responsibility to carry that burden for the lineage. Addressing these issues can make space for the inner peace.

A couple of weeks ago, I could not stand. I was at the dump, another chore on the list. I got out of my son’s truck and when I stooped, I could not get up no matter how much I tried. One man in a vehicle in front of me saw I was on the pavement and struggling to get up. He came to help me and my legs would not hold me up. Then another guy from behind me came and both lifted me up to no avail. After the second try, the one guy phoned 911. As I waited, the dump supervisor came and moved my son’s truck so it would not be towed. The two paramedics were very kind. I went by ambulance to the hospital. The emergency room could not find anything and I still struggled to walk let alone stand. I was sent home. Slowly I got just enough strength to get up the stairs into the house and used a chair to hold me up to get around. It was quite scary. In two days, using a cane, I was able to walk; even went back to work.

What I saw were people stepping up to help me. Our neighbors, my friends. I was very touched about the kindness and the outpouring of love. (This happened a few days after my husband had major surgery.) Turned out I had a mini-stroke likely brought on by stress. High stress can contribute to health issues, too. It can be linked to not allowing or asking for help.

There are two areas we are to learn: how to love and how to be loved. I am learning how to be loved. Sometimes the universe has a way to get your attention to release to train cars so we can learn how to be loved by others.

One of the things I am doing for me now is a daily Zoom meditation practice that connects me with spirituality and loving supportive people. That has begun to make a difference. I am also trying to ask for something from people twice a day and learn to be okay with it.

As I begin the process of lightening the load, releasing the piles and piles of history, breaking off the pieces of the cross, I can regain inner peace. I am learning to release how much I care, discerning how much I can actually do about the situation and which are other people’s issues that I took on. I believed if I could not fix it or hold things/relationships together, I am a failure. That is magical thinking and relieves others from (perceived) responsibility to figure it out. I learned it is not good for me to be more invested in them than they are of themselves.

Just naming the parts of your life that are tiring is a place to start. We can sort them out, one by one, to see what we can do about it versus the things we cannot then try to let it go. Hand it over. The pandemic is something we cannot control, just the things that impact our daily lives. Give grace to allow for change and growth. We cannot solve perfectly, just good enough. And some days, we need to feel being good enough is enough.