Background Operating System

When I was 19 years old, my father and step-mother began the process to have me committed to the state hospital. I have lived in fear growing up, trying to avoid, and then wait and anticipate the next traumatic event to occur. If I was angry, sad or happy, I had to go to my room until I learned to behave. The only two emotions I could exhibit at home were numb and terror.

As I was experiencing an emotional crisis wrapped in intense ongoing fear at 19, I heard what they were planning. My mind raced around frantically. I knew that going into that place would likely not end well for me. The other factor I considered was this: if I do not want someone else to control me as was my growing up experience, I will HAVE to be in charge of me. Pull it together and look as functional as I could. Stuff and numb. Comply or die. Fear controlled my choices and decisions. The agitation inside was non-stop. I learned how to be stoic on the outside even though the swirling churning stuff leaked out.

Since I felt so worthless, I tried to be good enough, soon enough, fast enough, be more than enough, get it right enough and continue as a human doing. I believed when I did twice as much at half the price, I would be accepted and valued. This belief fueled my daily and work life. I wanted to fit in, be accepted, feel okay and worthy so I tried harder to overcompensate for my perceived shortcomings. One job, I ended up doing four people’s positions (other employees left or went on medical leave). They postponed hiring others as a way to save money. I kept up the workloads and I finally started to crumble under the stress. I believed that if I could not keep up the pace of the job, they would get someone else who would do it better and cheaper. Again, there was that fear of not being or doing enough. The intertwining of fear and stress wore me out and I was exhausted nearly all of the time. It is a lot of history to carry inside my body and mind.

My life ran around that system whether I was working, raising my son, keeping up with the house, going to school, volunteering and more. After my son was born, a person told me that if she saw anything she deemed I did “wrong,” she would have my son taken away. That fear rose up again so I remained in “numb” and “fear” functioning mode while aiming for perfection out of fear. Even though being in therapy helped, this concurrent operating system was not addressed. I would do more and more and be so exhausted with this underlying operating system, I would drop off to sleep so tired to stay numb so I would not feel. When I fell short or my boss would say something to me, I would emotionally beat myself up for not doing enough. I learned to become more invisible while I did my work as a way of avoidance.

Running and running away from fear as fast as I could add to greater stress. I believed my worthiness depended on being a human doing. If I touched on the edges on my humanity of being, fear would drive me even harder to find that elusive “enough.” It became further and further away.

In a class, I read the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You,” by John Bradshaw. One thing I read that clicked was that as humans, we have limitations. Huh. It felt like a relief valve that granted me breathing room. On the outside, I was a bit calmer. I went on with my life, filling it with doing things. I felt guilty for not getting as much done. That list I created never is cleared off. I was still running, measuring my worth and moving forward by how many projects, tasks and errands done. Each item crossed off meant I had provided value today. It reminds me of the Dom in Cologne, Germany. If the work on that cathedral stopped, the world would end and it has been under repairs since 1285. If I stopped, I feared I would become catatonic and sink into darkness.

I was sharing this with Melanie the other day and she pointed out how I am still running on fear. It still is going on as a background program. Some people may see me as unfriendly, shut down and unavailable when it is overload, fear and disconnection, a default of that program. Trust is a factor along with fear. Growing up in turmoil and pain, learning about how to trust and know the nuances of who to trust and who not to trust is so skewed and jumbled. Having people tell me to “just trust me” has proven to be false pretenses at times. I would be upset with me as I felt so stupid because I believed and played a fool. I cast a bit of suspicion, just waiting it out to see how it goes.

I realize now with that background operating system of fear, it interferes with happiness and joy. When this came into my awareness, it is something I am working on to replace. Fear is a powerful control factor as well as a deterrent to moving forward.

It has taken time and grace to move along to trust me first to make decisions on what I want and need. I am still measured in my asking with most people as I don’t want to bother anyone. Just knowing what my needs and wants is a big step forward then putting them into words to ask. I am grateful that now I have friends and family in my life that is solid and gives me room to make my way through while still learning what works and what no longer serves me.

There is no easy path navigating this maze or easy answers. We turn and bump into another wall. We try, it does not work. We try again.