Hostage: Go along to get along

Have you thought about how the ways your life might be held hostage? It can be easy to slide from one day to the next without paying much attention to what is going on and why we choose the options. It can be an easy decision to make about our morning beverage. Coffee? Tea? Soda? Smoothie? What about other choices? Now, as I am paying closer attention to why I do certain things, I am seeing how there are hiccups in my actions and inactions and what triggers those responses.

Growing up, nearly all of my “choices” were dictated by fear of my parents and fear of my classmates. I learned the “go along to get along” dance as a form of minimizing the blame, embarrassment, guilt and shame (BEGS), and also the physical, emotional and mental abuse. No matter how much I strengthened the walls around me, those zings get to me. No matter how hard I tried to please people and to be acceptable, there were those who took upon themselves to point out what is wrong with me. I felt like they were trying to be superior to me. As long as they pointed out my flaws, it could be they felt much better about themselves at the expense of others.

Being raised under a house of fear, shame and demoralizing taunts, it created a foundation of believing I was not good enough for anyone and anything. This also added a strong belief that I was unworthy to breathe the air. As I grew up, I became an attractant for more of the same. When we are caught in the swirl of this haze, it can be rote to continue the “go along to get along” way of living. We can believe it is a way to a peaceful survival. When we do this, it does come at such a price. Maybe we lost ourselves, maybe we didn’t know ourselves.

So the hostage part comes when we are doing things based on what another person wants without taking into consideration of what is important to what we want and need. We “go along to get along,” deferring to them. It could be because we want to be accepted, loved, needed, wanted, not rock the boat, deflect confrontation or argument, being afraid when we ask for what we need, we will get shot down. “Go along to get along.” Eventually, I would try to deflect retributions and be hyper-vigilant to guess a step ahead of them, try to appease them and then I just give up altogether.

In the past when I asked, it wouldn’t be convenient for them or they would insert what they wanted as a substitute for my desire. It was then I saw parts of my life were being held hostage. Being held hostage is being deprived of your own decisions. It is robbing yourself of the freedom to make your own wisest choices based on what is going on with you at the present time. The main component of being confined as a hostage is conditioned fear.

I can make better headway at home and with my friends in reclaiming me. It has taken time, trial and error, to figure out what my own preferences are then find the best words to convey that. At work, it is a different story. The fear of losing my job and much needed income keeps me in a tight place. My resentment of trying to make space for me is trying. So I am thinking I need to look at reframing my “hostage” view. What if I decided that I am here to supplement our income for the higher good of my family? Instead of feeling like a hostage, I decide this is what I can do. In the book by John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You,” what stood out for me is that as a human, we have limitations. Trying to continually overcompensate for other’s views of our shortcomings, we can do what we can do. Each day, the amount we produce is different.

Getting caught up in family expectations can be another aspect of being held hostage. With that, I have learned to put myself first and choose not to live up to or live down to their expectations. It is very freeing.

It is quite the road to sort this out and figure out how to reclaim your own life and free yourself for authentic living. No ransom needed to leave this roller coaster revolving door. Just courage and loving support from those who can love you through it. Make the next discovery of finding you.