Diversify along with Baby Steps

For 2018, I declared it is my year (plus) for healing. It has been a struggle to get the time and energy for me to pursue the deep healing I felt I needed and wanted. Plus, I believed it was selfish of me to pursue this avenue. Moving out of a very dark and painful place toward seeing a light has been challenging. I wasn’t sure I would make it. I had glimmers of hope often dashed by fists of deep pain, pushed back into the darkness. Pain I have had since the beginning of my time on earth.

I would go to work for a few hours then come home to sit. The to-do list, cut into teeny projects, made it easier for me to get through one item, like sweep the kitchen floor. I would put on a brave, “it’s okay” face, not sharing how cutting the despair was inside me. I made a plan; not confirmed date.

My girlfriends were very kind and supportive. One said to call anytime, even 3 a.m., offering to sit with me until it passed. She understood more than anyone how deep the struggle it was to go on. The pain, hurt, despair, futility of breathing into the next minute, hour, day to find the will to wake up and try again.

Sometimes, we think we can depend on one person to help us. I decided to work with a team of people to help me address the many, many layers of pain and how it showed up in my life. Each perspective added an opportunity to see the blind spots which helped me to address areas I had not thought through. The difference is looking in the bathroom mirror just at me or seeing in a house of mirrors to observe even the tiniest of options and to view things from another perspective, sometimes something I would not have connected or even wanted to see exposed.

My girlfriends and husband continued to encourage me to find those glimmers to keep going, no matter how heavy the burden. Most importantly, they listened and offered unconditional love. I did not want to burden and stress out my family with this. I tried to just go it alone so I wouldn’t bother anyone. Since it has been a lifelong issue, I believed that they were tired of this.

Life still is not a joyful rise and embrace of the day. The edge is off sometimes; other times I work to put one foot in front of the other. I find distractions like reading, cleaning, doing the best I can each day to do something that propels my life forward. Even if it is just making the bed, doing the dishes, making a cup of tea or soup, meeting a friend for breakfast or lunch therapy/support meeting.

This time of the year one can feel dark inside even with the festivities. Joyful times and expectations from others on how we ought to be feeling light-hearted can add much stress and add to the burden we carry. Oftentimes, they do not understand. Cheerful holiday music is playing and what we hear is the Grinch theme.

At this time of year where the sun goes to bed early and sleeps in later, make a list of things you CAN do. One step at a time to keep moving forward. It doesn’t have to be forever; it may be just right now. Find several people to be on your healing team to reach out to and to help lift this burden. Ask them to call you if they do not hear from you to assist with accountability. It is not about perfection; it is getting through.

It still is a challenge to me. Yet, I put one toe in front of the other, working to find the lovely spot in the glen that continues to offer a finger of hope to keep going. I am grateful for the team who has not given up on me, especially my husband who has and continues to love me through this.