What a concept. As I am experiencing somatic memories (body/cellular memories, not necessarily what my mind memory banks recall) about key pieces of my childhood, I can feel the pain, confusion and powerlessness. Even though events that happen may not make sense, for me they eventually do. I have a curiosity of the whys. There are clues and thin trails. Talking with my great aunts before they past has helped with the puzzle.
With assistance with my friends helping me to piece together some things, I wondered what I did to deserve, or rather be the brunt of, my mother’s tirades at three-years-old until she died.
One friend suggested since having three children in three years, she may have had post partum depression. There were a lot of previous traumas that added up. Imagine having your third child and your husband is gone just like that. I can see how the abuse transpired. I can have compassion, yet what happened still is painful.
Throughout my growing up years with my mother, I heard daily how unwanted, worthless and disgusting I was. No matter what I did to show I was worthy, I was smacked down.
After taking a wider view, I saw my mother as a young girl who went through her own trials. Could it be that she felt powerless and wouldn’t push back so it became “He did this to me so you have to pay?”
There is an old idiom: Dad had a rough day. He comes home, takes it out on mom. Mom takes it out on the kid. The kid takes it out on the dog. The dog bites the mailman. Maybe dad had a difficult boss meeting or traffic was maddening. Lack of control with those who are powerful and one cannot push back, mostly out of fear. Fear of losing your job. Fear of being overpowered and reinjured by the person who hurt you or abused you. Conditioned to be subservient. The reasons can vary.
I see now how with the injuries and traumas my mother endured then transferred that anger and resentment to me as I was a painful reminder. By hurting me, it temporarily gave her relief from her own pain until the next trigger or flare-up. Being blinded and consumed by the rage fueled the continued abuse. It took awhile for me to see that blind rage is just that.
We can also experience that concept in our lives today. At work, in relationships with partners, family, friends, co-workers and bosses, clogged up traffic. We can see it played out on the television news. That pain that grips our lives can contribute to depression, rage, our own sense of being powerless, suicidal options and endless tears on the inside and outside and futility to continue living.
Several of my friends have talked about that. How conflicted we are/were about that person who hurt us so you have to pay in their own lives. The deep-seated pain we carry that challenges our worthiness to be loved and cherished; whether we can step in our place in this world and become part of that fabric of life that makes a positive difference. We wonder how at such a tender age we could drastically alter and figure so much in our caregiver’s life of misery like it’s our entire fault. Haterade? Not just this; it is the recovery process of our own that we are continually working to cross that rickety bridge to accepting love for who we are becoming with people who genuinely do love us, unconditionally. Finding safety and vulnerability in someone who takes that chance and finding us along the way. Bless them for seeing beyond our fragility and fear.
Have you seen this in your own life? When it happens to me still, I sense the feelings of powerlessness and can get stymied, stuck in ancient history. I also feel the inner resentment rising, if I am so broken, why keep trying. Why oh why would I pay or be the recipient of someone else’s ancient history when I had nothing to do with it? How can I show compassion for their pain while healing my own? How about me showing compassion for me? They are in their own blind swirling pain which has not found an exit toward healing. Just more daggers.
Some options. Remove yourself from the situation. Try tapping (search Emotional Freedom Technique [EFT]). Meditate to find your strength and inner peace. It’s okay to take a sabbatical from certain people. Be a part of a loving support community to find a place where you can be accepted; give them a chance to change your mind. Viva breakfast therapy!!
Lately, I have been listening to This is me from The Greatest Showman. A lot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjxugyZCfuw
Please share your other healing techniques.
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