What am I afraid of anyway?

When I think about some of the things I am afraid of, I think thunderstorms and lima beans.  Well, maybe not lima beans, it is more about eating them or being made to eat them. I have posed this question to some of my friends; they ponder.

This question stood out as I was reading a book. It pointed out that the deepest fear(s) can keep us from moving forward, to having what we want and need, to be successful. Often, those fears are covered up by layers of other issues, anger, sadness, disappointment, resentments, over compensation, ignoring, pushing aside, self-medication, toxic relationships. Maybe when we become so distracted, we run as fast as we can from something chasing us, whatever is that fear. Sadly, no matter how we avoid it, we are still dragging it right along with us. It creeps up, tries to get our attention. Tap tap.

To uncover it, it is an exercise in layers, peeling it back one layer at a time. Finding the threads (ropes, chains) to follow it back to the source. As I began addressing it, I realized that it helped me to begin the process by sitting across the table from a trusted friend that can help me see the other facets I am not seeing.  I discovered that I have fear about the underlying fear. Stubbornness is another word for fear. That can be paralyzing.

Each of these fears, the little ones to THE BIG ONE, is like little anchors that catch and hold us back. It can hold us prisoner in our minds, bodies, potential and opportunities. All have their origins. Some we can remember, a lot we do not. Still, there they are coded right into our DNA. Even when the mind does not recall, the body remembers.

One of the fears I unearthed was about expectations from others and how they would not take “no” for an answer. It has roots in my past about being able to say “no” and me being respected when their needs over rode what I wanted and needed. It is a struggle with those who use their “yes” and “I want” as a weapon against my no. We kept digging deeper, one onion layer at a time.

Another one of the root fears is not being loved for who I am. If/when I show people who I am, even in healing process, that fragile, vulnerable hurting child subjected to abuse and withheld love, who would someone ever love me. Is the fear one of being hurt while being open to love? To trust that when I open my heart, someone won’t be swinging a sledge hammer?

Travelling to address that fear can be a very dark place. Using a flashlight to look it right in the eye can be frightening. Like a monster staring back at us, creating more fear as that fear tries to create safety for that vulnerable terrified little child. Does it grow bigger and stronger over time like our fears continue to feed it?

I am scared and at times, very terrified of thunderstorms. I surmised I was not comforted as a child. When my son was little and was afraid of thunderstorms, he would come into my bed for comfort which I gave. Now when the loud storms arise, my husband will reach out to comfort me. It can calm my inner child.

I am working to get closer to that big fear, something I decided years ago based on the abuse and situations as a very young child; the origin. Some things I am considering is what if I find out my parents were right and I am a broken and disgusting, worthless person. Then what? What if there is a bigger truth and I am afraid to face it. What if I found out I am truly a perfect soul and spirit, then what do I do next with that freedom. I have felt held as a hostage all my life. What would it feel like to truly walk out into the sunshine a free person? Exploration and releasing continues.

When you begin to look at your own deep fears, forgiving yourself, releasing, making room for the new, how will you do that? How will you feel? What will you do next? And who will be able and willing to walk through it with you?