Have you offered to hold boxes of another person’s things for them, being a blessing to help them out? I thought it would be a blessing to help someone out by doing that, or loaning them my car or money. Initially, it seemed like a positive thing. As time went on, those boxes took up space; I wanted my car back because I needed to pick my son up at daycare on time: I needed that money returned so I can pay my electric bill. A blessing that became a burden. This can happen even if helping a friend/relative out with a ride, a place to stay, or other assistance. Of course, there are occasions when it works; when it looks to become continual, testing your own good will, it can feel like a burden. Everyone has their limitations.
Growing up in a sexually, physically and emotionally abusive family, we end up carrying those secrets of what is going on; we aren’t allowed to tell—or else. How it got turned around, from their choices to our responsibility. Crazy how as a little child, we can end up with the adult’s (or older person’s) choices as our responsibility. We end up carrying this burden, often for years and years. In our child minds, we have no earthly clue what it is all about and what to do with it. So we store it inside of us. With each event and assault, we store more.
We have our own history. When we are “gifted” with someone else’s history, who we truly are is tainted and mixed up with the abusers’ actions and history. When we are born, we are loveable, important and worthwhile with potential. That gets lost in the confusion of where we start and the other people’s background merges with ours. We begin to live in confusion as we grow, affecting all parts of our lives. As we grow, the burden becomes greater.
We find ways to cope, often using dissociation. We tend to not pay attention to that burden. We are in survivor mode, plowing into studying and/or extracurricular activities, working, slip into drug/alcohol use/abuse, finding other relationships that help us escape or other distractions. Those burdens find that open door and we can become that storage facility. We use our best coping skills to the best of our ability. There is the struggle, some days more than others. We have difficulty moving forward some days.
As I grew out of childhood, I had two sides of me. The fearful one who tried to please people so I would be liked and accepted (feel okay) with others. Then I would push back against the control. Either way, I did not like myself. Other people tried to be with me and it was difficult. Struggled in relationships of all kinds.
When we take a look inward, we can see how we have taken in events, emotions and traumas that were not ours. By carrying those burdens, it looks like the hurter is off the hook when they laid their painful choices on the welcome mat of our life. They paint our lives with their beliefs about themselves, transferring them to us like we are the problem. It skews the very core of who we truly are. It impacts our self-esteem, our own belief system, our values and our ability to find our way to a path of freedom, joy and purpose.
I have struggled to find my way to joy. That old parental foundation has deep roots. When someone tells me how much they care about me, it doesn’t register very well. Heart protection? Not risking vulnerability? The other voice overpowering and reinforcing that I am unlovable, unwanted, useless and worthless. It was my story and it became the intricate fabric of who I am/was. It was who I showed to the world, dark side and all the horrible parts of me in my defensiveness. It was how I was programmed.
Through the winding road years, I have awakened my spirituality as a pathway to wholeness. With introspection, I can see how the pieces of my life have lead to eye-opening and freeing information and perspective.
We can let go of the baggage of what never belonged to us. There are two parts. 1.) We can move away emotionally and physically from people who negatively impact us; take a sabbatical, move to another place, get a fresh start (while still healing).
2.) Hand over the baggage we have been carrying to the universe, bury it into the ground and figuratively burn it. Do a good housecleaning. Image an empty box and fill it up with those beliefs and events that are not yours. When full, lift it up and hand it over to a pair of hands to release and relieve you of that burden. Box sizes change depending on who it is you are releasing.
3.) This also allows us to change our story. Having our story be based on our past keeps us living in the past. The future is challenging when we are hauling along all those boxes belonging to someone else. Imagine moving to another place and having to transport someone else’s stuff to your new place. Wouldn’t do it? Then it is time to clear your space.
When I work one-on-one with people to identify and release those burdens, they share how much freer they are.
The real work begins to define and embrace who you really are, a being in transition, step by step.
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