Breakfast with a stack of support with butter and syrup

For the past few months, I have had the gift of going to breakfast with my dear friend. It usually stretches outs to about three hours. Gratefully, the server keeps our drinks topped off with her lovely smile. (I am semi-retired and so is my friend.) Just spending time with her saves me a few hundred dollars a week in therapy costs 😉

Yesterday, we peeled off a few more layers of some answers we were trying to figure out; those missing segments that have eluded us of why we are challenged about connection, safety and feeling at home.

Last month, I have been wondering about going home. I haven’t felt like I belong here on the earth ever. I stayed disconnected. Jeanne, another support person, suggested that my going home was about coming home—back to me.  This is what led to my friend’s and my discussion.

We both were conceived in a traumatic fashion. We think when not conceived in love, it can set the trajectory for not belonging and that it is not a safe place to be. The second part as we compared notes is our mothers who we felt treated us differently than our siblings. It looked like we were a constant reminder of their pain and powerlessness and we were the recipients of that pain. Their pain was abusive toward us. Their anger about their situation turned into hatred of us. These two perspectives combined did not feel like we were welcomed to the family let alone feeling that sense of belonging and safety. We were cordoned off and disconnected. Do not enter the family! Not wanted.  Their ongoing actions reminded us every day.

Throughout our lives, we have had that struggle to find a place for us where we feel welcomed, embraced, accepted, loved. How that plays out is tricky. We can be loved and accepted now, yet we also can feel the disconnection.

When Jeanne talked with me about coming home back into me, into my heart space, I finally got what that means. Previously, I thought if I could just leave here, I would be able to find that place called home somewhere else, out among the stars, in other constellations.

We went on to talk about how to find home. What do we do, where do we start. We talked about soul retrieval, finding those lost parts of us to bring them home. What about that spark of the divine, the piece that gives life. Or my concept is the energy is passion and being.

What has struck me for all of my life is I have not really felt like I am belonging with an open heart. How do I get to feeling safe in my own body, my heart and my soul.

We have breakfast again next week so we will continue to peel back the layers to find other options and healing.  At our age, there is still time to come home.