Reversal of fortune

In 2017, I experienced a “reversal of fortune.” I grew up in poverty so I have had struggles with money. Old fears propelled me forward to work hard as much as I could to have money to live on. Over the years, money has flowed in both directions. I have felt much better when I had more coming in than going out. It was a safety thing. When money was short, panic set in and loss of sleep, wondering, problem solving, praying. Eventually, another reversal would happen, the tax refund would land in my checking account.

This past year, money we counted on dried up. No matter what I did, it was not to be. Struggles aplenty. I wondered why it was happening. What is the lesson? Two of my friends also were in this position. No matter how much I stretched those ends, there still was a gap. Growing up poor, for me, was helpful in a way as now as I am pretty good at being thrifty and postponing wants and needs.

I was better at giving, not receiving. Since a lot of the $$ means I used for giving wasn’t there, was it an opportunity to learn how to receive? To discover more about the makeup of my relationships and what they are based on? It became an opportunity to reconfigure and sort out what is important and what isn’t and how satisfying my connections to others are.

It was interesting, too, how the discussions with my two friends about this reversal affected them. There are similarities in how we can let others be there for us by listening and offering encouraging words, saying things will be okay. A reassuring hug.

Then, another reversal when a windfall, or just enough to move ends closer together arrives. An exhale of relief. Postponed items line up saying pay me first, pay me first. But what about me, my needs and wants? Then fear creeps in. How will I divvy it up? Can I parse out enough for an emergency fund? Oh please, please, please, keep my car running. How do I feel when it dwindles? Then what? What’s next?

How our parents handled (or didn’t handle) money can affect our relationship with money. If there is deprivation of having to even need necessities, do we go all out to get things as fulfillment? Do we become stingy and still eke by even if we could allow a bit of a splurge? Hoard it while still living in poverty mentality? Do we live above our means?

Finding what issues we have around abundance can help us adjust to the ebbs and flows. My issues around money arose for more scrutiny and resolution. It also became a gift in that I curtailed wastefulness, especially around food. I am guessing we saved over $2000 by being very mindful of using our food and not going out to eat. Even when money was short, I still can do something.

So this year, what can you do about something that has been a sticking point? I will continue to be mindful to reduce wasting food and eat at home. For 2018, it is time to focus on health so I have started on this path. This challenges me to put myself closer to the front of the line.

Happy New Year to all of you. May it be brighter and shinier.