It’s dark in here

For some of us, as the days get shorter, our moods and thoughts can get darker. I believe we are really solar-powered people as we can wilt in the throes of gray November. For the past few months, it has been a very dark time for me. I haven’t been in a place like that for many, many years. I am used to keeping busy, going, going, going until I was physically tired. That dark place is a lonely and isolating place. For me, there wasn’t much anyone could do for me.

For those years growing up in a painful, loveless, worthless place, my old space reminded me I was so unlovable and unwanted. Sometimes, that really dark place grabs hold in a tight grip, not letting go, saying things that aren’t true.

Struggling in the dark, looking to find a way out. Someone wants to shine a flashlight, tell us what to do, how to do it, we shouldn’t feel that way. Smile. Someone else always has it worse. You ought not to feel that way. They are trying to be helpful when it isn’t. Instead, why not ask, “How can I help?” By being in this place, it is likely so uncomfortable for someone else who doesn’t understand it and just want to fix it so we are all okay.

Maybe we need a candle. I have discovered that at this place, what I need to see and do is take the next step. When the rest of that  dark path is still, it could be the way has not been made clear, straight, smoother. The dark can help us bring another layer of painful past into the light and it becomes an opportunity to let go and heal. It is another piece of cumbersome luggage to set down and then walk away. Is what is in that bag ours or are we lugging it around for someone else? We take on other people’s guilt and shame, believing it belongs to us. With as long as we have carrying it, it morphs into ours.

So in this dark space, I have been processing and clearing so I can move forward. One step at a time. All I need to see right now is where to put my foot next. I can be in this space for now. And I am so blessed that there are people who have patience with where I am at and can love me through it.

That is the true gift.