Addiction is NOT a moral character defect

The addiction struggle is just that. A struggle. When some of us experience trauma growing up it is overwhelming.  How on earth do people expect us to grasp adult experiences when we are five years old? Our parents would not ever expect us to take over the checkbook to pay bills at five, six, seven, eight or even eleven years old. We cannot drive a car or by a house or go to work. We cannot begin to understand such adult tasks. So why would you expect us to be okay with having sexual experiences? We cannot say no. We are overpowered, threatened, shamed, confused, maligned, deemed unworthy and a throwaway.

So as we age, we begin to find alternatives to cope with the overload stress. There are options we can choose to get us back to numbness so we can maintain. Drugs, alcohol, suicide attempts, self-mutilation, isolation, acting out, gambling, shoplifting, psychological issues.  I find it quite interesting that when I hear of someone using any of these forms, I wonder what is going on in their life that they are choosing to self-medicate.

Did you know that in a research paper, I read that 75% of people who have chemical dependency issues are survivors of child sexual abuse? It is frustrating when we deal with chemical dependency and we are told to just quit. If we can just show some moral character, we would just be free from it. What is the matter with us? Yep. Just pile on more shame. That will do it. If we haven’t worked on the underlying issues so that we can unclench our fists to let it go, what else is there? Do we find another substitute addiction or even try to end it all?

I attended a workshop on dual disabilities. The instructor pointed out that those of us who are chemically dependent are not in denial. We are ambivalent which means we know what we are doing. After all, we have choices. Until we find something different, we can keep on doing what has been working.

Taking my son to the grocery store was at times a challenge. I was concerned if he started fussing and crying, even screaming. I just wanted to get my groceries and go home.  As I went through the produce section, I got two peapods, one for each hand. Except for one time, it worked. He took turns chewing on them. My son likes vegetables!

This got me thinking about chemical dependency. When a child has a rattle in one hand and a knife in the other, you want to take the knife away. However, to feel “balanced,” replace the knife with something safer, something better and more fulfilling. The key to that answer is to find what you do want instead. It will take therapy and support, love and friendship. As in a previous post, it is crossing that rickety bridge. The passport to cross is comprised of faith and determination and a reason to get to the other side. Until we address that deep pain and betrayals, addiction can continue. I have been sober for 31 years. No quick fixes. No magic. Sometimes I would waiver then decide after this many years, best for me to continue on the sober path.

There is one thing I have noticed that can nudge me back; it is stress. Being mindful of my stress level. When it shoots up, that is when temptation sings that siren song. Finding a meditation, a peaceful place for contemplation, surrender to divine trust, can move me away from that song.

Find your peaceful place. What do you need? What is the replacement? Working through our painful history one day at a time, even one minute at a time, can help us get across that rickety bridge to something more fulfilling. Find what you need to help get you there. Embrace faith.