Casting Call

In families, we can be relegated to certain roles. There have been studies on traits of the eldest and youngest. The eldest role is leader and the youngest got to be the baby. Middle children can be seen as the lost or invisible children. Plenty of information has been printed about middle children. They even have their own calendar day dedicated to them: August 12.

When we are in dysfunctional families, we can be appointed other roles. One that sticks out is the identified patient. The role of identified patient is the one who is pointed out as the problem. Doesn’t matter if the rest of the folks around us are having their issues; pointing to us is a way to deflect their problems away from themselves. From my experience, it did not matter what I said or did, I was always wrong, always something wrong with me.

With those roles strongly entrenched, it can be difficult to move out of those. It can be that when it has been reinforced enough, the relatives and family friends can believe it, too. They may not know what is going on behind it all, whether it is abuse or other challenges. Acting up as a child is a symptom for what is going on, When we do not have the words to explain what is happening to us, we can exhibit our fear, confusion, angst, “rebellion” to not “agreeing” to what occurring. Thus the label.

With sexual abuse, since it is an adult activity, our minds are not able to comprehend the actions, the feelings. Others may disagree. Sexual responses for a child are a physical response; not an emotional one. Anyway…

 

So with limited emotional and cognitive understanding, we can act out. We cope by turning to chemicals, cutting or are labeled mentally ill.

I was stuck in that mode until I learned there is another way to live. I could not escape that role until I left home and even at that I still needed to work on how to not be saddled with that role anymore. Took a long time to figure out how to do that. After discussing with a person who was struggling with that issue, I suggested a sabbatical to take a break from being in that position. Give some time and space to figure out who you are and how to decide for yourself whether being with that group brings you peace

 

or disrupts it. Is there drama and you do not want to be swallowed up in it? How do you get to find out who you really are based on new information? How do you get strong enough not to get pulled into that old familiar pattern?

 

 

In discussing the concept, this person shared how her family kept calling her to come over. The anxiety crept up. It is okay to continue taking a break. In a comedy moment (to me), I thought of an event that occurred when I was first married. My (ex) husband would talk about how he wanted to celebrate my birthday. I would be excited about the possibilities. The day came and he forgot…every year that we were married. Then one year as his birthday arrived, he came through the door and asked where his cake was. Same place as mine. Where is my card. Same place as mine. Where are my presents. Same place as mine. Then he said, just because I forget your birthday doesn’t mean you get to forget mine.

 

 

 

I think it can be that way when we take a sabbatical. Could it be that they may hold the view we are punishing them for how they treated us, continue to treat us, expecting that we cannot do that to them? Which is generally not true. At least for most of us. What I want is to regain my life back on my own terms. To be in charge of who I am, what I feel, want and need and then to express it and be heard. Abusive people may believe they are not the problem, that we are. They may not get it. Even so, take a sabbatical from those who disrupt our peace. Do it for you, not to get back at them.