Sshhhhhh…ame

The other day, I was in a discussion. This person said they wanted to share something that they had been carrying for a long time. So after sharing the big secret, it explained why this person kept going back to what I would say is an unhealthy relationship. Carrying around a deep regret is painful. It is even more challenging when the other person will not accept that heartfelt apology, asking for forgiveness. Sometimes, what gets said (or done) is so painful to the other person that nothing we can say or do to make amends works. We are rebuffed; sometimes, over and over again. The damage is done and it changes the relationship. We say things (or do things) out of our own hurts and resentments and betrayals.

It is said that confession is good for the soul. I believe opening up that locked door, to give words and emotions to it, can relieve us of that burden of carrying it. Asking for forgiveness (and not doing that again; penitence) is like offering a gift. They can accept it, throw it away, stomp on it and push it back in our face. They have their options. Yet, when we want that forgiveness so much, we might do anything to get it. What happens if it doesn’t? Do we keep trying and trying and trying? Do keep atoning even though the desired result doesn’t happen? And when would it become a punishment from the other person if you keep trying, what is their exacting payment they expect?

It looks like being awash in shame for our choice of words or deeds. I could be what we said to them comes across as shaming. Maybe there isn’t ever enough groveling.  Maybe it is time to pay attention to see if the rejected apology really is just a continuation of their unresolved pain and feelings of shame.

At this time, it might be more about forgiving ourselves for our emotional thoughtlessness then waiting around for the other person to forgive. There are people in our lives that will hold a grudge till their last breath. Some of my family members are like that. After trying for many years to figure out what I did “wrong” without explanation (if you don’t know, I am not telling you), I worked on forgiving myself. Wracking my brain to rehash every little word and event, I was at a loss.  That is when the real work began.

The other component is speaking up about something that is bothering us and being shut up. That can be when we finally blow, saying what we have wanted to say to get their attention. I wrote a letter to my grandmother letting her know how upset I was about her favoritism; how I was treated differently. She responded with a grudge and punishing silence. I took that on as my shame for saying something. It became a way for me to not speak up for fear of vengeance. It looks like a cycle once we put our words in that goes on and on with no exit. Punishment. Shame. Shame. Punishment. Actually, in that cycle, we all pay.

By letting it go, forgiving myself and offering compassion for the other person, as well as for me, eventually I freed me from holding onto the shame and “accepting” that punishment. I believed there must have been something wrong with me if someone stays angry. Not always the case. Give yourself some room for that compassion and find peace.