Beautiful

Beautiful is such an interesting word with lots of connotations. I really enjoy beautiful scenery in nature when I am traveling. Beauty is an aesthetic. So how does that translate to people? Based on television and society, we all have our views of what beautiful looks like and what is not. She’s pretty, she’s not. That kitty is cute, that one isn’t. Could it be that the concept of beauty had its beginnings in our early years growing up?
I have believed I was ugly all my life, no matter what I did. I still feel this way. Even my driver’s license picture reflects that. Recently, this issue revisited me, stirring up old pain and inadequacy. I felt ugly; in my house, on the school bus and at school. That concept seemed reinforced every day. My other family members had that cuteness factor; not me. As our household descended further into chaos, pain and misery, it took on ugliness. I absorbed that ugliness as a direct reflection of me. Every. Cell. Of. My. Body.
I compensated by being as smart as I could; being as kind as I could. This compensation also had some adverse affects. By being in my head, I became further separated from my essence of being. My human doing carried more acceptance than my being. So I worked harder to prove my worth. I thought, as long as my being wasn’t worthy, maybe if I do enough, soon enough, fast enough, I will be enough.
Through the years of healing, I have reconciled with my feelings. They seemed so foreign as it wasn’t safe to express or were allowed on how I was feeling in a place constantly in pandemonium. I am able to express myself better in that area. Still, I struggle with that beautiful thing. I hear how I have inner beauty, a kind heart, a good mind for solving problems.
Seems strange. For someone growing up “ugly,” I have spent a lot of time developing my inner self to shine as brightly as possible to make up for my outer self. Other people may have heard about their outer beauty early on and they are now spending time developing their inner beauty. I haven’t figured out all that much about developing my outer beauty now, except maybe to smile more. Not sure if the inner beauty shines outside visibly.
What is kind to hear is a couple of my friends text me hi beautiful or will answer their phone with the same. At first when I saw/heard it, I was wondering if there is something wrong with what they see. I am learning to accept it and it is beginning to warm my heart.
I had lunch with a friend today and we talked about this issue. She, too, struggled with this issue. I can see now that it just isn’t me with this view.