My girlfriend and I have a pretty close non-judgmental relationship. A few days ago, out of the blue, I wanted to give words to something I have been carrying around for a very long time. I shared it with her. I felt much better (nothing criminal). She later said true confession, and shared with me about a situation she wanted to give words to (nothing criminal).
We can have opinions and concerns about other people in our life, wondering if what we are seeing, hearing or feeling has some validation. Bouncing it off another set of ears can give another perspective. If you are in a committed relationship, having that other set of ears can be helpful, too.
Oftentimes, we keep thoughts and words swallowed, hidden in the dark and often buried. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings; we don’t want to feel that shame, guilt, embarrassment, stigma, judged, condemned, blamed. How many times do we judge ourselves more harshly than others would? Do we pick up other people’s “crosses,” bear their burdens as our own? Do we confess to that as well?
How do we handle those confessions? For some, that is what clergy are for or someone doing a 5th step in AA. When we can feel safe enough to share our own burdens without repercussions, we can lift off those burdens. When we swallow those words and feelings, they can make us sick. Only we may not be aware of how sick and nauseous those words and deeds are to us, or the prison that we put ourselves in, or even other people put us in. Where is our freedom? Making peace? Finding serenity.
Finding someone who does not know you for some of those complex or more serious issues can be useful to talk to. When my marriage fell apart, I did a 4th step (from Blueprints for Living book) about it. I believed it was almost all my fault (something I took on from my parents). After completing it, I met with a person who does 5th steps for coffee. Following through to the next part, I was able to sort out which was my part and which wasn’t mine. It felt amazing and free to realize and accept it wasn’t always my fault. Each person has their roles to play. Having another set of ears helped me gain broader perspective so I can let those things go and ultimately forgive myself to move forward with living life.
Carrying those secrets around, especially if it comes to the child abuse stuff that was done to us isn’t doing us any good. Taking on ownership for someone else’s responsibilities creates such a heavy load for us to carry and can possibly make us ill. Deconstructing it will make it easier to remedy the hurts, pain and resentments. Getting out of jail cards. Don’t wait any longer. Do it for your health.
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