It’s a feeling

My friend and I were talking about houses. She looked at 50 and I looked close to 100. We each talked about the “feeling” when we saw a house. When she found hers and I found mine, which gave the feeling that said “welcome home.” It would be a good fit. Of course I had it checked out, using my head along with my heart. I felt the love and showed it the love. After all these years, I still feel like I am getting a big hug when I walk in the door. It is a sanctuary, a peaceful respite from the swirling cacophony outside my yard.

When I needed another car, a similar thing. It is a feeling that the car will be a good fit. When I shop for vegetables, I ask if that is sacred to my heart, a fit for my attempts to healthier eating.

Then, when it comes to meeting people, I have initial feelings about them, too. There are some people I meet that I keep at arm’s length. Just a feeling. Then there are those I feel I can work at developing a relationship. For me, it takes time. It’s a feeling.

Relationships for us survivors take time. Initially, we may want some friends in our lives as we may have experienced such loneliness and a sense of isolation because of our past. Because of assaults, we can be skittish around people, wondering about their motives for being nice or even being mean. Our senses about people can be skewed, keeping our hearts blocked. Or we go the other way, too much too soon with someone. Being needy?

So how do we use that “feeling” around people when it seems easier when it comes to houses? I learned how through many years of practice and coaching to find a balance, moving away from that all or none thinking. Push away, come close, go away in relationships. We struggle with those and it is okay to acknowledge that. Once we can do that, we can figure out a way to move forward to allowing space for a good friend or two.

I do slip back into trusting no one. Then I remind myself that this is today and I can trust, even selectively, who I can trust. It is practice.

When we can begin to expand conversations to move past our histories, we heal. What used to take up our whole house can eventually become a shoebox stashed on the shelf in back of the closet. It still can have painful triggers and pop-ups, and we learn to acknowledge those and move through it. It has taken many years for me to get this far. I still have difficulties from time to time. With the loving support of my close group of friends, I move through. May you be blessed as well.