Work: some days ugh, some days meh with parts that are good

Working takes up 1/3 of our lives. We certainly learn a lot about people in the work place and the workplace functions (or dysfunctions). As I entered the working world at an early age, I took jobs that I thought would help me rise above poverty. Lack of money is an unsafe feeling for me. I can still struggle with that one.

Throughout my working life, I have noticed how some of the places remind me of my growing up family situations. When there are complications, I feel more responsible to fix things, even when they are out of my control or job description. With one of my coping strategies, I would be hyper-vigilant, watching their facial expressions and how their moods showed. Mostly, I felt it was displeasure with me, that there is something wrong with me. This created a more intense cycle of going over the top to be more perfect and people please just so I can feel that I am worthy. If I did more and more and more, I would be okay in their eyes. Each time I strove for perfection then failed, I would beat myself up emotionally.

It would look a re-creation of my past with me continually trying to create a different outcome. Eventually, I was able to figure out that I can change me, not the outside environment in how I related and saw other people. The more I slowly changed my views of me inside, the better able I was to work. To get those emotional triggers calmed down and take a few deep breaths. It helps me to move out of emotional mind into rational and wise mind.

Even today, I wonder if my boss is upset with me. He isn’t as jovial when I come into work. At times, my mind wanders into thinking he is looking at the little things that are wrong as a way to justify…I don’t know, something. I question whether I know what I am doing, is it good enough even after all these years. Those old tapes loop right around, replaying those old messages from previous bosses that told me how terrible I was at my job. I will do a reality check asking another person what they think. There are other things going on outside of me. Even though I can see that I am getting better at putting the situations into perspective, those triggers still trip me up.

By using the skills I have learned daily, I am learning mastery. I can celebrate the victories of when I navigate those narrow passageways.