Out of eQcnuees

When we are born, we are following a sequence of events that build on the next steps. We are given a baby shower. We are baptized. We get our first tooth. We sit up. Our first birthday is celebrated. We walk, run, laugh, and play. Each step toward growing up is dependent on the previous steps. We learn to set boundaries and learn about who we are as we are becoming.  We start preschool, kindergarten, first grade. We may start Sunday school. We make friends. Learn to read and count. Maybe at 13 or 14 we experience our first kiss. Sexual experience may wait until 16, 17, 18, 19. The series of milestones and other achievements lead us to adulthood, even with the few bumps in the road, giving us an opportunity for our brain and hormones to mature to handle the adult-like things.

However, when sexual (abuse) experiences are inserted before our bodies and brain can figure it out, it throws off our sequence of maturation. Even though our bodies may respond to those sexual stimuli at an early age (0 to 11-12ish), it does not mean we are experiencing sexual pleasure in the way that adults can. There aren’t those hormones yet. And even then, our brains aren’t equipped to handle those adult things. It screws up the order of things in our life. Like it is so jumbled up, we are confused.

After we grow up, our lives can still be jumbled. Out of order. How do we put some of it back in order, or create another order that works? I don’t have many answers. I know that I had a lot of therapy. I took a break from sexual relationships for 17 years. Not necessarily what I intended; however, it made sense to let myself grow more up in that area.

I think we need to look at the disconnected pieces from the supposed sequence and try to insert them back in the best way we can. We may need help in identifying what those pieces are and where they go then incorporate them. Some will slip in seamlessly; others will take some wiggling to insert them. I still don’t have everything in place. And likely, it won’t happen, at least in this lifetime. It becomes more important to figure out how to make a life work that works for you and me. It is not about perfection or even to jam it all together to just be done with it.

Take time to envision the life you want to have, what it looks like. What will lead you to further joy, peace and contentment? Start there then work backward to do what you need to do to get there. Of course, find a supportive person who will be a cheerleader and be willing to ask the questions for you to get there. I am.