The next year, we had what I call the “guilty glut” Christmas. So many packages, like they did it to
make up for the previous year. To this day, I remember only one of the presents, a pendulum bowling game. It felt so overwhelming. Talking with my sister about it, she thought our grandma sent the money for us. We also talked about that previous year and she thought our mother was depressed. When I look back, I would even say she looked broken and gave up. We were very poor anyway and an emotionally bankrupt family. It was a difficult life being in poverty. Each day, we just didn’t know what was next; that inconsistency. We just put one foot in front of the other, doing our best as kids.
make up for the previous year. To this day, I remember only one of the presents, a pendulum bowling game. It felt so overwhelming. Talking with my sister about it, she thought our grandma sent the money for us. We also talked about that previous year and she thought our mother was depressed. When I look back, I would even say she looked broken and gave up. We were very poor anyway and an emotionally bankrupt family. It was a difficult life being in poverty. Each day, we just didn’t know what was next; that inconsistency. We just put one foot in front of the other, doing our best as kids.To me, all those gifts wouldn’t make up for the past. This experience also taught me that getting lots of stuff doesn’t equate love for me. I do understand thoughtfulness. As I am aging, I find it most important to find something that fits me, something I can use or need. This year, my dependable 30+ year tea kettle passed away. Very sad for me as I am partial to those items I consider dependable. So for my gift this year, I received a new tea kettle as close to the same as I had. That means a lot to me. Because I felt like an after-thought growing up, it is difficult for
me to receive gifts that I feel weren’t really about me as a person.
What I learned was to not count on anything. I also learned not to be attached to anything or anyone as it could be taken away at anytime. It was that uncertainty. As an adult, I had to find my own traditions and ways to work through the lasting dregs of poverty, craziness and old tapes. I needed to discover not only what I wanted but what is important for me then decide to state it. By saying what I need and want, it gives me a better chance at getting them. It takes practice and an opening heart.
With my son, even if I didn’t feel like Christmas, I made sure he had a special Christmas. Being thrifty and creative helped. I wanted to make the effort as my family deserved that much from me. Making new decisions based on my past helped me move more forward.
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