What’s Healthy?

Recently, three of us were in a discussion about relationships. As survivors, we can struggle finding healthy relationships with someone else. When we weren’t gifted with living in a place where being with an intimate partner that works well together.

We have lots of issues, painful memories and events that interfere with finding someone. In the past, we may have been involved with someone who may recreate our past. We can believe that if we can try to control the situations, try to love them enough, prove to them that we can be lovable and worthy of being loved, we will be able to love them into loving us. The traits in the other person remind us of our old family. We try so hard. Sometimes it works; for others, it does not. My previous relationships were great struggles. Started out hopeful and giddy. Slowly turned into painful situations. I wondered what was wrong with me. It took awhile for me to see my part of that equation. As long as I felt like I was a disgusting and an unlovable person, why would anyone want me? I would attract someone who would show that side of me, confirming my views of myself as being unwanted, unlovable.

Years of therapy and self-imposed isolation from being in an intimate relationship may have helped me grow through the changes. By immersing myself in work, volunteering, raising my son, keeping up my house often left me exhausted so I would be disconnected from my emotions and intense feelings of loneliness. I would fall into bed feeling that level of intensity of death-gripping isolation and cry. As long as I kept people away from me, from being hurt and/or betrayed so deeply again, it also kept people away from me. It perpetuated that cycle of loneliness.

The discussion was about making the wish list for what we want in partners. I found it helpful. It offered clarity for what was important for me. Having that information in the positive format help me sort out who would be a better match and help clarify what is important to me.

On the other hand, the other person asked what about that chance meeting? Shouldn’t we just leave it to fate? Yes and no. There is always that chance meeting. However, I also believe in making a “shopping list” for the traits and options of the person we prefer to be in our life.

After my first marriage, I learned not only a lot about him; I learned a whole lot more about myself. I learned about what I still needed to work on, healing, adjusting my expectations, let go of old stuff that doesn’t work for me and become more skillful in communicating. Finding a healthy relationship was challenging when there wasn’t one modeled for me. Just wanted to live in a drama-free place.

Someone suggested I create a list, making sure all was put in the positive. Instead of no smoking, no drugs, I put down smoke-free, chemical-free. I added some things that were opposite of what I experienced. This included financially stability, sense of humor, fidelity, kind. It was a list in process. As I met people, I was able to see if what I preferred actually fit, adjusting the list.

The other reason I wanted this list is because in the past, I would set a boundary, a preference, those deal breakers, then begin to fall into that old pattern of feeling the intensity of loneliness and my unworthiness. When something was off, something from that old pattern cropped up, I would tend to let it slide until it slid all the way back to history, replaying the past. That list was a present reminder to help me make a change toward a healthier relationship and partnership.

An important indicator for a good relationship is to ask yourself: “Are we better persons together, bring out the best in each other or do we bring out the worst in each other?” My first marriage brought out my worst side. I became someone I didn’t recognize and didn’t respect. Now, I am with someone who does. And matched pretty much all on my list.