Lately, I have been meeting more people who are opening up to me about their painful childhood sexual abuse experiences. The pain and shame they are carrying takes a toll on the quality of life. It came to me for a lot of us, it is torture. Somehow the concept of torture gives me the shakes. I think of torture as beatings, lashings and other humiliating, spirit-breaking directed toward another’ of trying to force sensitive information out of the enemy. A power-based intimidation so the other person will crack and give up what they know, or supposedly know. The definition of torture is the act of causing severe physical pain as a form of punishment or as a way to force someone to do or say something and something that causes mental or physical suffering; a very painful or unpleasant experience. Isn’t sexual abuse that painful?
Then I thought of how child sexual abuse can be a form of torture. When it is ongoing and systematically done, the level of internal destruction is quite great. Somehow, it is the inflictor who turns the table by having the person on the receiving end to carry the blame, shame and guilt. After assaulted, we are tossed away until the next time when that person wants or needs something from us, repeating the cycle. Systematically beating us down, stealing our will, so we will just comply. That threat is very real to us. It can be a cycle of how we feel about ourselves in our adult life. We can believe how worthless we are and be in situations where we continue to play that out. The consequences of torture reach far beyond immediate pain. Many victims suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which includes symptoms such as flashbacks (or intrusive thoughts), severe anxiety, nightmares, depression and memory lapses. (What is torture? – Effects of torture; http://www.irct.org/…tort…International Rehabilitation Council for Torture Victims.)
These are parallel results. I wonder if people have more empathy for those who are subjected to torture we hear on television occurring in other countries, the wars being waged. What about the war we experience in our own homes, or in other “secret” places against us? It is challenging to fathom how adults can do that to boys and girls. The topic is so uncomfortable. I have heard from some people that I just need to get over it, forget about it, the past is in the past. Would someone say the same thing to someone who experienced torture? I would like to think not. We need to give ourselves the time, attention and love to feel safe in the world and be free from that tyranny we have been subjected to.
Spirit-breaking affects our sense of self, our self-esteem, our dignity, our views of who we are and who we end up becoming from the results of the inflicted pain. It initially can destroy us. Without dignity and relevance, it leaves the welcome mat out for us to be debased and abused more. I do not know the answer to any of this. Maybe it will be to speak our truth. How this has affected us and that we do not just get over it when we hit the magic age of 18. It is a lifelong process to healing and recreating our lives. Not necessarily the ones we wish we had. It is incorporating what has happened and how it shaped our direction as we move to another place where we can finally feel and be okay. Whenever and wherever that is. Every path is different with surprising outcomes.
What Jerry (group co-facilitator) and I see when we do a support group on Thursday evenings in Minneapolis, we see the courage, strength, emotion and drive to find that winding path through the intensity and enormity of our childhood pain, confusion and powerlessness toward gaining our own sense of self, coming out of our guarded shells to experience life on the outside. For Jerry and me, it is an amazing process and an honor to be among this group.
So if you haven’t explored a group, I encourage you to do so. There is camaraderie, heartfelt support, love, friendship, encouragement, non-judgment sharing and tactful challenges. If one doesn’t fit, try another one until you find one that does. Finding others who have this experience can lessen the isolation. We all get to have as many chances as we can to live our best life and not give any more energy to those who have tried to steal it.
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