When I was married, I struggled a lot with the control issue. I was trying to “control” him and he was trying to “control” me. I could not get what I wanted and needed and he
did not, either. There was a wrestling match going on in my head. He hated how I was feeling controlled and yet I wanted to control him. My history played a huge part in that, those old fears and anger, that imbalance of power. That intense hatred seemed to consume me. Through the push-pull about control, I decided that I did not have the energy to control two lives, just one. If I continued to try to control his, which meant that he would control mine. That did not sit well because I disliked being controlled since my life had been under the control of my parents. I took a chance and decided that I wanted to be in charge of my own life and let go of that control of him. Afterwards, I felt a peaceful feeling and the tension lessening. That intense hatred was poisoning me. I also decided to stop hating – anyone. It is a poison that kept me sick.
did not, either. There was a wrestling match going on in my head. He hated how I was feeling controlled and yet I wanted to control him. My history played a huge part in that, those old fears and anger, that imbalance of power. That intense hatred seemed to consume me. Through the push-pull about control, I decided that I did not have the energy to control two lives, just one. If I continued to try to control his, which meant that he would control mine. That did not sit well because I disliked being controlled since my life had been under the control of my parents. I took a chance and decided that I wanted to be in charge of my own life and let go of that control of him. Afterwards, I felt a peaceful feeling and the tension lessening. That intense hatred was poisoning me. I also decided to stop hating – anyone. It is a poison that kept me sick.It was then I began to redirect that energy back to me, to do something with my life instead of giving it away. Slowly but surely, I started my path to reclaiming and building a life of my own future, moving away from being a victim-victimizer to feeling empowered. By filling those empty spaces with my wants and needs, it softened that pain from my past. Those other people I believed would meet my needs and wants yet could not. Their buckets were already empty and looking, taking, whatever they could. By being in charge of my own life, I learned to differentiate what is important for me then be in charge of getting those.
It was insanity for me to continue to try to get what I believed I needed from someone who has little to nothing to give. This lead to ongoing disappointment and greater resentment. I believed at some point, I wanted to be rescued from my old terrible and painful life. Waiting to be rescued left the power and control into someone else’s hands.
Taking charge of your own life will help move out of that victim-victimizer role that is time and energy-sucking. It is akin to giving all my money to someone else then complaining how broke I am. It can keep us in our own prison, limiting our options. By redirecting that energy, piece by piece, bit by bit, back to us, we can become more fulfilled and happier. We reclaim and discover our passions and purpose.
There is grief from that separation. Not only the loss of the relationship; the loss of our dreams we had hoped on how we wanted it to turn out. Spending some time to feel those feelings is an important step in moving forward with our own lives.
I suggest a starting point of making two plans. One, envision what you would like your life to look like. Today is a good day to start. Two, create a daily plan to address the separation of the old while walking into the new. If your closet is stuffed full or your kitchen can use more attention, on the plan list what you would like to accomplish today. Include something fun, something beautiful, something contemplative, something different. Most importantly, remember to breathe deep, cleansing breaths. It may not be a smooth road. It is in those bumps where we learn more about ourselves and our abilities. There is a lot of freedom in being in charge of your own life, your decisions and choices will likely be a closer match to what is important to you. That is when power is in balance.Then, when you want to give or share with someone else, it is often with a kind heart without expectation of a return on investment. Now, isn’t that a sweeter way to really live?
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