This imbalance of power can follow us throughout our lives in relationships: work, intimate partners, friendships and the perception of ourselves. We can end up either continuing to give up or become scrapers to grab a piece for ourselves. There are other ways to shift that imbalance of power. We do not have to play the victim and victimizer.
When there is the power differential where the choices are victim and victimizer (interchangeable; I believe one cannot be one without also playing the other side), both can keep us in a one down position and we likely will not be able to really attain what we need and want.
If we believe we can only get when we take, take, take at the expense of someone else or even if we feel we need to cede our own needs and wants, we truly do not get fulfilled. We will wonder if there are strings attached or whether that “gift” really is given freely or can be snatched away. Is it temporary or a long-term thing? It can be that taking what we want or need is more sport than a gift. The thrill of getting something out of someone because power was involved or the belief is that it is owed to us. After all, we paid a price for living like that and we will damn sure not go without anymore. We can even decide not to have much of anything that is important to us as it could be taken away anyway. Feels like a roller coaster hamster wheel, re-creating that cycle. This belief cycle left me exhausted. I did not trust any gift giver, their motivations anyway, so why bother.
If we believe we can only get when we take, take, take at the expense of someone else or even if we feel we need to cede our own needs and wants, we truly do not get fulfilled. We will wonder if there are strings attached or whether that “gift” really is given freely or can be snatched away. Is it temporary or a long-term thing? It can be that taking what we want or need is more sport than a gift. The thrill of getting something out of someone because power was involved or the belief is that it is owed to us. After all, we paid a price for living like that and we will damn sure not go without anymore. We can even decide not to have much of anything that is important to us as it could be taken away anyway. Feels like a roller coaster hamster wheel, re-creating that cycle. This belief cycle left me exhausted. I did not trust any gift giver, their motivations anyway, so why bother. Blaming, shaming, guilt, judging and making excuses are ways to stay stuck, nothing moves ahead, keeping the victim-victimizer circle spinning. (NOTE: I teach a class on this.) This puts the onus of getting what you want on other people, not getting what you need or want for yourself. Depending on someone else does not guarantee you will get what is important for you. You might end up with what someone else things you want or get even crumbs.
To move out of this victim-victimizer place and the imbalance of power, it takes practice and mindfulness. When we are in that imbalance of power, we can feel powerless. It teeter totters. Starting with becoming in charge of something in your life (not other people FYI), is a good place to start. Instead of controlling other people or events, take back your own life.
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