Why!?!?!?!

The other day, I talked with someone who commented about my work hours. I explained the hours I really do work along with my consulting work. Pat (not real name) asked about my consulting work and when I shared what I am doing, Pat told me about the experience of child sexual abuse. Pat thought with the advent of children learning about the difference between good touch and bad touch, that child sexual abuse would be waning.

 

This is troubling to me as it seems nearly everyday I meet someone who will share their story. I shake their hand and say “welcome to the club.” It isn’t just us older folks with this experience. I hear the stories from younger people, too.  I shared the stats on the number of people affected by this tragedy, 1 in 4 (1 in 3 women; 1-5 men), have their lives altered. Even though we look like we are doing well on the outside, we still have our struggles to cope and figure out to have life work with us, to trust, to understand about close relationships, including how to be sexual with an intimate partner. We have our quirks and challenges that maybe our partners do not understand.

We can receive therapy, use medications, consume alcohol and/or drugs to self-medicate or try suicide, cut ourselves. We struggle with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,  chronic physical issues, economic disparity, prison and jail. When survivors are derailed from their painful childhood (or lack of one), we try to find coping strategies that work for us at the time. Sadly, a number of people will look at us as having moral character defects. What is WRONG with us. Surprisingly, there can be many things that look wrong. It turns out the biggest crime committed is the theft of our innocence, our choices, our bodies, the direction of our lives and our opportunities. We have lost control over our lives. Theft of our money for counseling to regain some semblance of a real life. Have difficulty trusting anyone and connecting with someone closely. We have trouble at times with employers and people in authority. We wonder what the purpose behind the offer for help. Often, we can get stuck in finding fairness. We have hopes and promises of someone to rescue us from the hell of this type of life. And where do we begin to pick up the pieces after the tornado cuts a wide devastating swath?

When I hear these stories, I feel on the verge of crying or become angry at a system that does not hear our pain; comprehend the complicated and many issues as a result of this abuse; support our healing; understand we are doing our best with what we were given; and that it takes time to sort it out and make progress to living the best life we are able to. And it is expensive.

If we stay in our pain, we can get that message that we are living in the past, that we SHOULD learn to just GET OVER IT!  Again, character defects. Then on the other side when we are recovering and doing a lot more with our life, we hear that apparently we weren’t THAT DAMAGED and what happened was not such a big deal. 

With the stories that are shared with me, I am amazed at how resilient we are, that we are still standing and moving ahead, in a back and forth motion, to living a healing and peaceful life that finds meaning and purpose. What we need to continue on this path of recovering is a compassionate heart,, listening ears, no judgments, no shaming, no embarrassment, kindness and loving support. We understand our stories and intensity of feelings about this road can be overwhelming. Please let us know when you need a break to catch your breath. Or even not to dismiss our histories, and help us to have some fun. We are doing the best we can.