When stressful events occur via other people, that is different, to me, than dealing with tangible things. People’s emotions, their stresses, lack of control over other people and events, their inaction, actions, reactions and responses and how they impact others. At times, other people’s behaviors (and ours) cross boundaries which also creates stress.
The challenges I have with this is different with stuff and a list of items. I feel like I can eventually wrap my mind and hands around it, getting those things done. With a deadline, that moves me along quicker. However, when stress is directly people-oriented, I find it much more challenging. The key is to figure out how to respond instead of reacting to their reactions. Another challenge is refraining from getting caught up in the blaming, shaming, guilt, making excuses and judging, either the other person or ourselves. Using these will add more fuel to the fire. And, if it is hysterical, it is historical; meaning when screaming and belligerent behavior is presented, there is a tie to past events. With this kind of interaction, it can and will put us back into survival mode.
Recently, I was in this place and it was easy for me to fall right into the blame and judging thing. I stopped so I could figure out another way to deal with this. It is easy to get caught up in another person’s emotional state and vice versa. It can be re-traumatizing and reinforce our past fears and resentments then spiral back into old patterns.
In DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), a person learns how just the facts can help. Presenting the facts without the intense emotions can be helpful. However, it may not work if the other person does not hear or want to hear the explanation. Still, presenting the facts, even taking ownership of what happened, or try to fix it, also can help even if the fixing attempt does not work. You tried. Again, with explanation. The other person may not be in a place to hear and listen in a responsive way to create a dialog and resolution. They may be so caught up in emotion mind there isn’t a place to discuss. Still, becoming a broken records iterating the facts might sink in. If not, you tried and might need to take a break from it. Or even ask for an intervention. Be aware of moving back into survival mode and the coping strategies from growing up. sort out whether it still works today or not. If not, explore other options that may be more current and more successful in navigating for today.
I used to believe that people did those kinds of things on purpose, historically speaking from growing up. That meanness, being malicious, paybacks (perceived or real) A way to gain control over someone else. In my family, yep. As I moved on and away from that family, I saw generally that people are not doing it out of meanness, just not thinking. They are caught up in their own pain and history which can spill over into other people’s boundaries, getting sucked in to their drama. Of course, this can also be us if we have not learned skills to create a buffer zone. Still, when crap hits the fan, it is not distributed evenly.
Dealing with people and trauma are not as simple as making a check-off list. Although, we can make a list of what worked and what didn’t then try something else. Sometimes, it is time that can soften the onslaught of tirades. So during the past six weeks, I have been numb as a form of protection while practicing skills. I can see part of the intense storm abating so I am able to start coming back, integrating back to living.
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