Oops. Skipped a step…

In math when we skip or miss a step in solving the problem, we will get a wrong answer. Same can be said in communicating or not communicating with another person.

We have a discussion with someone about doing something and then believe it was a done deal then went ahead with the plan. The other person thinks it was a discussion and NOT a final decision. So when the process is moving along and the purchase (or other event) is finalized, the other person is shocked. Oops. We forgot a step, or missed that middle step. We did not follow up to make sure both were on the same page.

A friend talked about buying something and entrusted the spouse to “look into it.” While out of town, spouse purchased the item. Understandably, my friend was upset. I said spouse skipped a step, confirming it with you. Spouse what taking charge of doing it. Even though it ought to have been more of a joint process.

What we say and what hear can be different that the other person says and hears. There can be filters. There are times when that SKIPPED A STEP results in great turmoil and resentments. It is not that it was done with maliciousness or revenge; it is we take as a suggestion and believe we are just following through. I am seeing that there are the times it is viewed as being disrespectful and above our pay grade. Sometimes it can be undone and restored. Probably more often it cannot be reversed and returned.

What to do when this happens? Apologize? Ask for forgiveness? Try to restore harmony, the items? Get a refund? I do not believe there is a perfect way to handle this. Sometimes the damage is just done and no amount of trying to remedy it will work. That other person will continue to be angry and even scream about it ad nauseum. Sometimes the remedy options will work and peace can be made to move forward. Sincere apologies will be accepted or not accepted. Often, it is done with the best of intentions. We were just trying to help out. Yet the other person can believe their power to choose, veto or accept, was taken away.

Going forward, when a similar situation comes up, maybe take the time to communicate again with the person about expectations and the appropriate steps to follow through with it, or not to do it at all. People have their own timeline, fears, ways of doing things, filters, what is important to them of holding on, control issues (theirs and ours), being part of the solution. It can be they are so attached to that concept, that stuff, that lifestyle, it is difficult to let go. It is a challenge not to get into a blaming state, or defending yourself ala courtroom style. How can you not increase the drama around it?

It can be challenging for us to let go of someone else’s stuff or duties. We wonder why oh why they cannot just let it go and move on. Sometimes, they just can’t do it. The key then becomes for us to accept them for where they are it, affirming to ourselves that it is their stuff, their choice. And step away. Again, no right answer. Just observations here.