Off to the big adventure!

My son left last Monday to go on his big adventure in Europe. The Sunday before, I was feeling emotional about this even though I have known about it for the past eight months or so. And yet as the time drew nearer, it was becoming more real. It became really real when he dropped his stuff off at the mom and dad storage facility, leaving piles and a trail of his hubris. My husband has done nearly ten loads of laundry and let us to put all that stuff away. On the upside, he did get rid of a lot of stuff before hauling it home.

As babies get to nine months old, child development talks about separation anxiety when babies do not see their moms, they get upset believing they are literally gone. As parents, I have felt my own separation as I left him at daycare. There are many growth steps along the way, a series of letting go from both of us. When he started kindergarten, I cried as I saw my son growing into a young boy who wanted to explore the next stage of his life. My mom role was, and still is, ever changing. From elementary to middle school into high school, the separation, letting go, for both us of went through a lot of changes. I went on a two-week vacation when he was in eighth grade and it was a challenge for me and I think for him, too. We had not been apart for that long ever. He was well taken care of with his grandparents and friends. Yet, it was stretching that letting go into the next phase. When he went off to college and moved into the dorm, he was launching into another world. I was learning to adjust to more space, more time and getting my car back full time. Not necessarily having more cash flow though.

Now that he has moved overseas, maybe for six months, maybe longer, he is so self-assured to do this, his dream. He does email us to let us know where he is at and a snippet of what he is doing. He is journaling everyday which impresses me. It is a comfort in a way that he has learned many tools and strategies to be able to have the confidence to do this and not to let fear and anxiety get in the way of achieving these dreams.

I am still getting used to not seeing him a few days a week (we worked together) and hearing his voice, the calls and texts. We have yet to Skype. Yet, I am very pleased and excited for him as he seeks to find himself, his passion and his own place in the world.

In my world growing up, my energy was laser-focused on survival, figuring out how to stay alive in the craziness. At my son’s age, doing this adventure, or really any adventure or passion, was nowhere on my radar, not even a remote possibility. One of my parenting decisions was to provide a loving and consistent living place for my son. It was not his fault about what happened to me. Keeping that in mind helped me to keep that going. I wanted him to have more opportunities to be a kid and to feel more freedom in growing up to be independent and to dream. It worked.

With my last birthday, now I am trying to figure out what to do with the last quarter of my life. How do I turn my passion and conviction into fulfillment? How do I embrace joy and do what is important for me. What is next for my own big adventure?

I think we look for permission, whether from within ourselves or outside of ourselves to do something, small steps or the big leaps. I have been fearful of offending someone or not taking their needs into account more than mine. It is a conditioned response. Doing what I want to do could be seen as being selfish. What about all those other folks and their very important needs.So when is the right time to do it? Where is the tipping point of being so responsible that you end up losing who you are in the process of truly living fully? I admire my son’s courage to go for his dream at his age. I think it is giving me the courage to stretch out my wings to fly.