The Cross Country Trek

There are a lot of stories, deeply personal stories, I hear from survivors. It varies on the continuum yet each one is so heart-wrenching. It is an honor to hear them though at times, I am crying on the inside and sometimes on the outside. Co-facilitating a support group, we hear so much of people’s pain being shared. Even though I can see the brokenness, the fragile states, we can see the determination to still be standing even though it seems just barely.

One of the phrases that irk us comes from people who tell us to “Just get over it!!” or “When are you going to get over it?” I notice it comes from people who do not have these experiences thus no context. Survivors who share their stories can by buoyed by the tenacity and perseverance of others. There is a lot of isolation as child sexual abuse thrives in silence and isolation. When we can come together to share stories and strength, to find some common spirit to find connection and courage to reduce the loneliness of being stuck in the pain and hurt, stuck in the story.

Finding that safe, non-judgmental place to talk about it, the feelings of powerlessness, among others who are seeking a connection of understanding can lead to healing. Recovering takes as long as it takes. The encouragement and challenging from others is heartfelt.

I wonder why sex became a weapon to conquer someone, a war-like conquest to shame, embarrass and guilt, instead of being something intimate and loving. It looks so confusing being told to be wary of strangers because of what they can do to us. Yet, it is the people we know who assaulted us. When we are little with sex foisted upon us, how are we to know the loving and intimate part of it when we learn it is used as a power to conquer and demean? This leaves us broken, lost, confused and fragile. We are clueless about adult behaviors and cannot understand it. Except it is something terrifying for us no matter how it is presented. Fear is used for compliance and control. It is no wonder why we live in fear even today. Fear of being vulnerable, opening our heart to what love is. We can be confused about what love is because of what happened. Who do we trust? How do we develop trust? Our trust compass is very broken. When pain is all encompassing, it leaves few options when we look through the lens of hurt and betrayal. It clouds our judgment; we can look for revenge to even the painful score. With the piled up shame, we can take that pain out on ourselves.

Recovery is not a linear process like climbing stairs, steadily making forward strides. It is more like a trek across the country, getting lost and going in circles, through the deserts, over and around mountains, the treacherous terrain, the beautiful places, the dark and scary ones. We can use the compass to point to another direction. Sometimes we make great strides, sometimes we slip backwards. It takes a lot of bravery and courage to move out of being stuck in the story. For any little progress, it is a victory. Small victories add up to larger ones.