No Faith, No Direction

As I was meditating, this came to me. Without faith, without dreaming, how would our life paths go? Do we just go wherever the winds and other people’s decisions take us? Or do we take charge, dream of where we would like to go, end up, at least for this part of our life? What we want and need at this time will likely change as we move forward, or backward. Circumstances change and we can choose to adapt or continue to let others make those decisions for us.

When I was caught up in being so frustrated and resentful with my first marriage, wanting him to change, I felt so angry with that situation I could not change. I had a “WHY ME?!?!” attitude; why am I not able to make anything different? I was stuck in a revolving door of poor me, why me. It saw it as a hopeless situation.

I was working at cross purposes trying to hope that things can be different and better while having that old survival attitude of believing that any effort was NOT going to make any difference in outcomes. It will all suck so why bother. No amount of my effort will change anything. Faith and hope? Phooey on that! Caught in quicksand. The more I struggled to go forward, the more stuck I became trying to do it by myself. Oh ye of little/no faith.

Years ago when a mentor asked me if I asked God for anything for me, I said no. I held onto the deeply ingrained belief that I did not deserve anything, let alone dare to even ask. I was showed and told from a very early age how worthless I was which was reinforced through pain. Any asking was disregarded and I was shamed for even asking. I was afraid of God, believing I was being punished for being an evil and awful person. Why wasn’t God stepping in to stop this violence? I became angry at God for “allowing” this to continue, this ongoing punishment.

I had shut myself off earthly and spiritually as a form of protection from any assistance and help, believing asking for anything, no matter how small, will come at a high price. When I did need help, I would figure out a monetary value to pay for the help. I did not want to owe anyone. Kindnesses were met with suspicion. I did not want to be beholden to anyone, to be controlled by anyone. It was quite a lonely existence.

I started out asking for small things. It got easier for me to grow and expand my faith and hope when I was able to figure out that people have free will. God or some other being did not make my parents and the others hurt me. Those people had free will to make those choices, to act that way to me (and other people). It wasn’t in a spiritual sense my fault for my painful life. This concept freed me.

Moving in this new space allowed my faith and hopes to grow. I can ask, even though I am still measured in my asking. If you do not ask, you do not get. When I am feeling that old suspicion creeping up, I can stop and process it. Either accept the gift or pass on it. I fret and worry a lot less, being clearer about what I want and need. I have learned to ask the universe for assistance for the highest good and best outcome. Having faith and hope provides direction and it works a lot better for me. Being on earth is not a do-it-yourself job.