I don’t know how I did it… I just did it.

I was asked how I did it. How I got to where I am now in my recovering. Put one foot in front of the other, I guess. I talked about this question with my husband. He reminded me something I said long ago. I hate being controlled by bullying and abuse, limiting any options I wanted. It was their way only with implied and acted out very painful consequences wielded on me. Parental compliance was mandatory. I knew what the “or else…” meant. Being surrounded by bullying and abuse, not only at home, but on the school bus and at school. No really safe place to go.

When I was 19, I had a major meltdown. Something triggered old history and reverted into fearful hysteria while trying to become a tiny ball that could disappear in the garage. My father and stepmother talked about committing me to the state hospital. I had made a trip up to that state hospital a few years before to visit my mother. It was scary. I talked with myself about the situation. If I ended up going there, the government will have total control over me. The decision I made was that if I did not want them or anyone to control me, I needed to be in charge of me. NO MATTER WHAT. So I pushed on with my life, through the struggles, even hiding within myself to just survive. New at the time, I was sent down to the city to a halfway house. It was the beginning of my recovery process.

This concept along with the decision of getting on with my life NO MATTER WHAT has kept me moving. Oftentimes, it was running just ahead of dealing with my feelings about the past. Having anyone take care of me was too costly. It meant I would be giving up my choices and my freedom if that occurred.  I swung the other way of being as self-sufficient as possible, barely trusting anyone questioning people’s motives for being kind to me. I believed that as long as I remained self-sufficient, not depending on anyone, I would not be controlled. I needed to consider how much anything someone did for me would cost. Sometimes, it would cost too much for me.

This strongly held premise has worked for me most of the time. It kept me from fully going under and giving up.There are times it does not serve me. Not so good at allowing friends to do things for me I am usually the first one to grab the check, do for others. I consider me to be a generous person. But maybe it can be that I want to be in charge of who and how I let people in. With my first husband, I was more keen on keeping my heart pretty closed, not allowing room for vulnerability. He reminded me too much of my past. This time, with more therapy and bravery, I was able to open up my heart space some more to allow room. My husband is so patient with me and keeps a pretty steady course with me. He has been under the testing to prove how committed he is to me and won’t bail out. Ah, a glimmer of hope. Because this is such an internal turmoil and struggle, other people may view me as cold and unapproachable. Realize it is still part of my survival techniques.