Hard to believe – but it’s real.

My husband and friends put together my birthday party. Other than giving people’s names, I had no idea of what it was going to be like.  The day came and we arrived early so my husband can  help set up. I stayed upstairs at the church. My son and I had a long talk while waiting which was such an important connection since he is leaving in three weeks. When 1 o’clock came, I  went downstairs and the decorations were really fun — Minions theme. So cute, so cute! Ellen is so creative. People came to celebrate ME!

One of decorations were cut out construction paper flowers with stickers on them that asked people to write down a favorite memory, what they love about me and a favorite quality about me. After they were written out, they were placed in a flower pot. There were over 40 people who came to celebrate with me. I was so touched. It was nice seeing so many friends in one place. I had some struggles, too. When there are that many people around me, I can feel energetically drained. There is a stuck part of an old tape that questions why that many people would care about me.

After getting home, I read the cards I received and was so touched about what people wrote on those cards about me. I have a disconnect about how I see me and how other people view me, how I touched their lives. I do not see me as that way as I still stay guarded. When I read the flowers, again I was surprised at the sentiments. It is a lovely gift that will be a reminder when those old beliefs crop up about me being worthless. It is one of those old cemented beliefs from babyhood that is still rooted. It seems like there are those deeply rooted messages that are stubborn to let loose. The more stress I feel, the more I shut down.

This wonderful gathering of my diverse friends was also an opportunity for me to look at those stuck messages and figure out ways to dislodge them. There was that visible proof that I am important to people, too. I am relevant, I belong. Recovering still.