Coming out about our history – Part I

It is a difficult thing to do, to open up and share our histories. Just the thought about what happened can feel overwhelming. We run the risk of being discounted, that we must have made that up. We run the risk of being judged, shamed and guilt like it was our fault. There is embarrassment and the stigma attached to it, too. It takes a lot of courage to say something even when there is pushback from saying something about it. When the abuse is from a family member, I think it is even more challenging and is a difficult topic for other people who have not experienced this type of violence. It goes against what we saw on TV growing up.

Years ago, I talked about this issue at a Minnesota Legislative Committee. When I was getting ready to leave, a man commented to me that I should have said something. I said I was two years old. He replied I still should have said something. I felt awful about that comment and eventually realized how his ignorance was showing.

If the other person knows the abuser, they probably do not have the context to understand how such a nice person is capable of such an ugly thing if they have not experienced such a violation. Who the person is outside the front door is different than the person behind the front door.

There is a two-fold issue here. If we do not say anything, we are carrying around that burden, not being able to become freer. We are protecting the other people around us from this pain. When we do say something, we can be relieved and the other person, depending on who it is, will have to understand or carry around that burden. There may be guilt because they did not know and did not intervene. Or they can turn it around to put the blame squarely back on us.

Carrying around the past chains us to history and can keep us stuck even when we are trying to move forward. I believe it is very important to find a trustworthy person; a professional counselor who is skilled is working with child sexual abuse recovery. Whether we share the information with other people, it depends who will be supportive, loving and compassionate as we travel this road. Finding a support group that understands is also helpful.

Keeping this pain inside can lead us down another road that is not healthy for us such as chemical dependency, depression, self-mutilation, and other addictions as a coping strategy. It delays us from healing. Give yourself the gift of healing and living.