We learn a lot about how to have relationships with other people by observing our parents and their interactions with each other. We learn how to parent by watching how they treat us. We learn about our value and relevance as well as our place in the family. Are we a gift or a burden? Wanted or unwanted? Blamed for our parent’s lot in life? Are we uplifted or put down, ground down into the ground? How our family and eventually how our school peers treat us affect us in a lifelong way. It affects our ongoing relationships with developing friendships and life- partners.
When I was married the first time, I thought my life would magically be what I dreamed it would be that the pain would magically be replaced with a loving, nurturing relationship. Changing my last name would mean that the past was the past and I had a future filled with more promise. Even though I did not love me, I believed if I was loved, that would be enough. It was difficult because I married someone who also did not love himself. It was a painful and bitter end for both of us. These scars were added on top of the other scars from childhood. My heart shut off to the world and I traipsed through it sort of mindlessly. I figured out if others liked me that would be my scale for how likable I am. Being so damaged, my meter was pretty much skewed to zero.
While I remained somewhat hopeful I would find a partner who could like me without having to prove how worthy I am by doing, doing, doing without being a bother, refrain from asking for too much of anything lest they run away from me being so needy. Empty parents raising empty children who grow up to be empty adults. I married my first husband thinking I could fix whatever was wrong. Well, obviously I was wrong. Could not even fix myself. Two empty people trying fill the empty spaces.
We hung out being friends, doing things together. When he said he loved me and then asked me to marry him, I was stunned. It takes patience for both of us to make progress and worked on our communication. I appreciate how my husband is so loving, loyal and caring with me. I still have those bumpy times, up and down; he stays pretty steady. I ask when he is going to leave me (still those abandonment issues). The struggle is it is easier for me to accept how awful and unworthy I am to someone who says he loves me.
I know there are times I remind him that I am doing the best I can. I let in his love anyway and continue trying. The past can still cast a shadow.
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