Awhile ago, a family member told me that “it’s always about you!” to me. I was taken aback, just shocked and confused at that. I was wondering where it was coming from. Instead of arguing about how I saw that as untrue, I listened. It took some time to process that as I thought I was doing the right thing be interceding in the violence. I felt since I was the eldest, I wanted to protect from the abuse as best as I could.
After talking with someone about this, it was pointed out that this could have basis. As we discussed it further, I now can see how that can be viewed as “being all about you.” Even though I saw it from my perspective, the other person saw it as taking away the attention from them. I saw it as abuse, that other person saw it as something else, as me diverting that focus back to me. For me, it did not feel loving and good; it was quite painful.
In this case, the views had two sides. If I did not intervene to the best of my ability, I likely would have been seen as selfish for protecting only myself at the expense of the others. As I did intervene, I was seen as selfish for redirecting the attention to me. It looks like a no-win space. Selfish either way it was handled.
Seeing it from the other perspective allowed me to let go of the anger toward that other person for feeling so unappreciated. I also realized that no matter what I said, it was not likely to be received; not really an option for a dialog. Even our best intentions can be seen as interference. I believe most often our help is accepted and appreciated. Consider asking for clarity of the person’s request. Weigh out whether it is something you can do. It can be tricky. I have gotten wiser about this, I hope. Still a learning curve when we think we can read the other person’s mind about what they want and what we think they want and need.
When we are little children trying to dodge and navigate these tricky situations, how do we really know any better until we are able to process it and understand when we are adults? How do we even know what the others are feeling when it is probable they are not able to discern what their own feelings are beyond anger and rage. Being in the mire of survival, at times even life and death, I did the best that I could. We all do with what we know at the time. Often, it is us who can use forgiveness, too.
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